September is suicide awareness month. This has always been something I have held close to my heart and spent time learning about. It has always felt close to my heart as I have experienced the tragic loss of suicide in my friends and family. Something I have only ever shared with a few people is that I have experienced these thoughts myself and feel ready to share my story. I share this for a couple reasons. I want people who read this to know how suicidal thoughts can affect someone from my point of view. I want to bring more awareness to this issue that takes the life of approximately 800,000 people a year. I want to open this conversation as it can be hard to talk about but is necessary. Finally, I want to release the shame I feel in waves of having experience this. I want to let it go and not feel like I am hiding any part of me anymore. Here is my story.

I have experienced a range of mild to severe depression ever since I was a junior in high school. It wasn't easy to navigate at the start, but with time, practice, and a lot of grace, I feel like I have had a better grip on my depression and can feel and process it in a healthier way. Last year was a great year! I felt and saw a lot of personal growth in myself. Fall comes and I am so excited for everything to kick off and get back into a routine. Depression, for me, likes to come in waves. Sometimes I don't even notice it and then in a moment I could feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. Something in September of last year hit me harder than normal. I fell into a deep depression and felt trapped there. I couldn't understand it because everything in my life felt like it was going great. I had all the same symptoms of depression I had felt before, lack of motivation, lack of interest in normal activities, hopelessness, and some other common symptoms. But this time it felt different. It felt heavier and I couldn't figure out why. I didn't tell anyone at first because I wanted to figure it out on my own and not have other people worry about me. So I kept it all in and that was my first major mistake.

I am someone who I will keep how I am feeling bottled in until I break. It is a pattern I constantly find myself in and no matter how hard I try to convince myself that I will change that, it always repeats itself. I found myself doing that again in that time but felt no motivation to change it. I sat in it in my depression in an unhealthy way for a long time. That is when these suicidal thoughts began to come. Now, I had experienced less extreme suicidal thoughts before, but those we're momentary. These thoughts wouldn't stop. I tried to speak the truth over myself but the lies felt more powerful than me. After more time went by, I hit a breaking point. I had a full on panic attack and just felt completely defeated. I sat and stared at my phone for what felt like hours upon hours debating on calling someone. I never did. I felt completely hopeless and tired from it all. After hours of experiencing the heaviest pain I had ever experienced I fell asleep. I woke up the next day and tried to move on as if it had never happened, and that was my next mistake.

I was afraid of these thoughts at this point. I didn't know where they would take me and every day felt like a scary movie with no idea when something will pop out at you. These thoughts hit harder and at random times of the day, but especially at night. I kept going about my life as if nothing was happening. I went to church and school, I hung out with my friends regularly and put on a face so no one would be able to tell I wasn't doing okay. Finally, I hit a point one night where it was too much to carry alone. I told a close friend at church and she intentionally listened and was ready to help in whatever way she could. She showed me grace and love that night. She brought another person into the conversation, which was very helpful that she did because it took everything out of me to ask her to talk about it. When she brought someone else to bring in, it felt easier to share again. I told two people that night and felt okay about it. My anxiety wanted me to second guess telling anyone in fear of being seen differently, but luckily the practical side of me stepped in and told myself that I was safe telling other people. She kept the conversation going with me and made sure I was doing okay. It was really hard to accept help from others but it was a step that needed to be done. I knew if I just kept practicing that, it would get easier with time. But the thought of bringing it up with anyone else felt so draining. I was clinging to the little energy I had left just to get through the days. I told someone else and again was met with nothing but grace and love. I began to see some hope coming my way.

One night I was home and just finding some things to pass the time before going to bed. I felt fine all day and out of no where it hit me like a truck. I complete wave of hopelessness and loneliness flooded me. I felt like I was instantly drowning in these thoughts. I sat starting at my phone debating on reaching out. This was the hardest part for me through this whole situation. I could find the courage to tell people after the thoughts, but reaching out during felt impossible. I was afraid of hurting people, putting everything on them, or having them worry about me. I wanted to protect others from me in these moments and I felt that staying silent was the way to do that. The Lord really met me where I was at and without Him I wouldn't have been able to pick up my phone and text someone. He gave me all the courage I needed to take this major step for me that made my stomach drop with anxiety. She responded and asked me about my current physical situation, if I needed to go to the hospital, and if I was alone. I told her how I was feeling and that I was just home but not home alone. She listened, encouraged, and supported me in ways I will never be able to thank her enough for. She reached out to a few others who knew I was experiencing these thoughts and they all called and texted me with encouragement and support. God really showed up that night by giving me the courage to share and be completely vulnerable.

After a couple of weeks, I began to find myself climbing out of that super dark place. Every little step forward I praised God for because He helped me take little mini steps towards getting better. I started seeing a therapist and told a few more people about these thoughts. I didn't want the world to know but I didn't want it to be buried in shame within me. I started to find hope in the Lord again and some days had to take it hour by hour or day by day but with a lot of intentionality and processing with myself, I found a healthier place and and was able to start looking back on those thoughts instead of head on.

Now, I am in a completely different place a year later. Do those thoughts still surface every once and a while? Yes. I know they wouldn't go completely away but now with the help from therapy, the Lord, and my community, I am no longer afraid of them and can see them, recognize them, but not fall into them again. I thank God all the time for getting me through that time and for putting people in my life who exhibit His love every day. I haven't experienced it as extreme since and pray I can continue to stay that, but if they do come back, I am prepared and ready to process them in a new and healthier way with people around me.

Suicidal thoughts and ideations are real. They aren't easy to talk about but it is so necessary. The more we open this conversation, the easier it will get and the more comfortability we will have when someone approaches us saying they are dealing with this. There isn't a set way to navigate something like this, it takes talking about it and processing how you feel to find the solution, A trusted mentor, therapist, and/or a doctor is a great place to start the conversation. While I am terrified to post this, I am ready to release this and pray I can be a light of hope for someone experiencing something similar to me. I am going to end this with some simple reminders that I, to this day, speak over myself, You are loved. You deserve to be heard. You will get through it. These thoughts don't last forever. You are never alone. People care deeply. You will grow from this.

If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts or ideations, reach out to me, a friend or family member, a pastor, or call this hotline 1-800-273-8255.