You can’t breathe. You’re surrounded by people on their way back home. Feel them poke, prod, and pollute your personal space. Move an inch and suddenly a bag, a hand, or a shoe is on you. And you can’t breathe. Your throat is choking on dead air and the metal machine is screaming around you.
Flick your gaze from person-to-person. Try to quiet the creeping dark that is crawling up your neck and into your brain. Three people have runny noses. They sniffle repeatedly but never at the same time. Four people are reading, three on their phones, one is a real book. The man on your left has wide eyes but you can’t figure out what he’s staring at. The woman in front of you is sniffing her hair and is repeatedly running her fingers through it. Did she forget to wash it? Is she nervous for a date? Only young women wear high heels. The older women wear loafers. Do the young women get by on their looks? Do they have to? The man behind you has angry eyes. They make you shiver and twitch.
Why did you let them hurt you? Why were you attracted to their secrets? Do you find joy in your characters’ suffering? Why didn’t he stop when you told him to? Why weren’t you louder?
Calm down. Calm down. Focus. You’re being overdramatic again.
He didn’t help you when you were passed out cold. His friends said he laughed when you lost consciousness.
Focus! Pay attention to the surroundings. The woman two seats down wears a fur coat that looks like floating midnight. You hope it’s not real fur. Two old woman are complaining about how a niece of theirs wears too much makeup. “She’d be so pretty without that stuff! It ages her!” There’s a couple standing. Neither of them clutch the pole. The man holds the woman in place. Is his touch loving or possessive?
Who could love a freak like you? Why did you tell her about yourself? Now she thinks you’re weird. But you are weird. When will you find people like you? He was like you. And he made you into a scared animal. You didn’t cry under your desk until you met him. He would have killed you. Oh god, he would have killed you!
Shut up. You’re being overdramatic again.
They all made fun of you for being overdramatic. Nothing you made for them was good enough, all critique and no praise. She didn’t even bother to read the things you wrote about her. Are you really that bad of an artist? How will you make it out in the world if the people who “loved” you didn’t even think you were that good?
Quiet! People have had it so much worse than you. You’re just trying to make your life into another story. Calm down. Calm down. Breathe.
There’s two kids reading picture books. They squirm in their seats. One of them reads out loud, but the words on the page don’t match what he is saying at all. Is he really reading it? Or making up a new story? The man on the right of me is playing Candy Crush on his phone. An old man is reading Harry Potter. How cute. A woman with caged eyes is speaking to herself. She doesn’t have a phone on her. Is she crazy? Or does she see something that you can’t? A man boards begging for change and tells the people on the train that his father used to beat him. Everyone averts their eyes at these fallen souls. Why? Aren’t they still human? You reach for your wallet. Why is everyone so angry?
Was it your fault for not running? Of course it was. You could have saved yourself and now all you have left are stories no one wants to hear. Remember waking up in a pool of your own blood. You thought it was water. Remember not knowing who was screaming and then realizing it was you. You saw that line so many times in books but you didn’t know it was real until then. You thought he was saving you, but he was just dragging you further down. There was something evil in that room, and he told you it was just you. She told you that you were the dark one after she gave you bruises. Why did you think that was love?
Two quick breaths. Shake it off. Don’t think about such negative things. Don’t think. Just breathe. Just observe.
The train door clunks open. Push your way out and feel burned by every touch around you. Calm down. Breathe. May you be filled with loving kindness. May you be well. May you be peaceful and at ease. May you be happy. Repeat this phrase until you get home to your cold apartment, where your roommate thinks you’re too strange to talk to. Try not to faint. Take pills to help yourself sleep. Try not to faint. Forget about the nightmares.
And sleep.
