When I entered a new stage in my life I seemed to have become disconnected with one important aspect of my life, myself. I had endured so many different struggles, obstacles, and experiences that it truly shaped who I was. The heart of who I was – independent, strong, determined, bubbly, confident – seemed to have disappeared in what felt like a blink of an eye. One day a person in my life had said some disgusting words to me and I just stood there. There was not one ounce of me that wanted to defend myself or fight back and I had realized then in that moment that I had abandoned myself.
During that time in my life, I can honestly say I was unhappy. However, I was not sad because I had let so many people walk all over me, but I was upset because I had lost self-respect for myself. For so long I just stood there silently without saying one word. It was so difficult to try not to go back into the past and try to integrate something inside of me that was once there, but to remember what I stood for myself in my life. For the first time in my life, I had no idea who I was because I didn’t know how to be happy. I didn’t know how to go back to the person that I once loved and was proud of. We don’t even realize it, but all it takes is one person and one moment to change how we shape ourselves as individuals.
After that incident, I realized that it was time to make a change in my life where I need to stop taking care of others and for once in my life I need to take care of myself. This was the time to explore who I was as a person and who I wanted to be. We spend so much time thinking about experiences and moments that truly have no significance in our lives anymore. We worry about what people think about us that we forget to ask our own selves if we are proud of we who are. It was then that I came to the realization that I want to love who I am and feel confident just dancing in my underwear in my room alone.
It was now the time in my life to fall in love with the core of who I was and to just let life drift me off with the wind. A good way to figure out who you are as a person is to experience life on your own and try things you would have never even dreamed of. I started to take small trips by myself even if it was just for a day to embrace what was around me and to figure out who I am as a person again. I would be able to listen to the music I wanted to, sing horribly like I normally do and see the things along the road that I wanted to see. During those drives and walks, it gave me time to think and reflect. Being within your own thoughts can be a dangerous thing only if you let it, but if you embrace it there is so much magic that can happen in one moment. It was then when I took a step back and thought to myself, “Did I really let that person define who I am as a human being? Did I really let them tear me down so much that I couldn’t defend and have respect for myself?" I felt so disgusted with my own actions and I knew if I didn’t make a change now that it would never happen. I would not be prepared for what life had to offer if I did not have an intimate appreciation for my own self.
The first and most important step I needed to do was to just let go. My life was unable to move forward because I did not deal with the situation internally because I had put it on the back burner for so long. It was easier then to just pretend like it never happened instead of accepting it and learning from it. All of that pain, crying and suffering showed me one positive thing about myself, I was alive. From this point forward I promised myself that I would not regret anything and I would stick by my decisions and let it run its course. However, I wanted to be proud of every decision that I had made and that is exactly what I was going to do. Those mistakes of me not saying anything I accepted it and realized how important that moment was. That moment taught me that I would never be that person again. I needed to remember how to be myself. I wanted to be loved for who I was and not what someone wanted me to be. I began to understand my worth and there was no way I was ever going to someone make me comprise that. I now loved my mistakes and the edges of who I was as a person. When I used to comfort that person and tell them how great they are I realized the person I should have been giving words of comfort and encouragement should have been myself. I needed to love all of the things I disliked about myself because those aspects about me shaped me. If I didn’t love all of my imperfections, then I wouldn’t be able to love myself completely or anyone else for that matter. I wanted to love who I was. It took awhile to remember, but that is something that mattered to me. I had so many dreams for that person that I never really focused on my own. Just like I wanted the best for them it was time to want the best for myself. It was time to start writing again, to sing in the shower, to walk down the street with my chin up and to most importantly, believe in myself.
I am now at a point in my life where I can say that I love myself. It was not an easy journey, but it was definitely an important one. I am now that confident, independent, and strong women I used to know and I am so happy that we reacquainted ourselves. I am a beautiful person and no one will ever tell me otherwise unless it is myself.
