Edgar Allan Poe once said, “The scariest monsters are the ones that lurk within our souls.”
Being open to discuss mental illness and depression isn’t easy for me. One, because I find it embarrassing and two, I believe there are people that have it worse than me, so why should I be complaining? Well yes, there are those who have it worse but that does not mean your story is inadequate. I am learning to not be afraid of my story, but to let it inspire others.
Everyone says mental illness is a rising issue, yet so many people disregard it. Even the ones who struggle with it are in denial so the result is finding an excuse for their monster. Life was pretty “normal” for me up until college. I had a solid family, a boyfriend, great friends and my college education ahead of me. Rightfully so, after my mom passed away I had a hard time concentrating and finding happiness. I could be in a room full of people but to me I felt alone and scared. Everyday activities such as going to class or watching TV resulted in full blown anxiety attacks. I didn’t know what a real anxiety attack was all I knew was my heart would be racing a mile a minute and it felt like my stomach was going to come out of my throat. I would be trembling, become short of breath and have cold sweats. This would only last a few minutes but to me it felt like hours.
I never knew when these episodes would arise so I began distancing myself from social events. Anxiety led me to miss out on college parties and meeting new people. Anxiety tore apart my relationship due to insecurities and disillusion. All I wanted in life was for this feeling, this indescribable terror to go away. I wanted some type of control back in my life and that’s when another demon was born.
Being a dancer all my life, I was used to looking at myself through a mirror. Though I never fully liked what stared back at me, it never got in the way of anything. Realizing I could be in charge of how I look and feel on the outside, made me believe it might make up for the uncontrollable on the inside. You name it, I’ve done it. I tried diet fads, skipping meals, purging, binging. My life had become this cycle of desperation. The depression was still lingering and my body image issues were snowballing. I have never thrown myself a pity party but I began reaching a point of “why”. Why am I like this? Why did this happen to me? Why am I here?
One thing I do vividly remember, it was a school night and I had reached a point of internal exhaustion. I cried and just could not find the words or emotions to evoke how I was feeling. I told my friend I needed to get help or something bad could happen to me. All that time I was so humiliated by my feelings, that I didn’t want people to know I was suffering. I realized I couldn’t escape this on my own. Have you ever felt trapped within your own self?
Personally, counseling helped me tremendously. It led me to learn things about myself I didn’t even know until we talked about them. After three years of circling around my emotions, coming and going in different wave lengths, I still searched for a life of content. As hesitant as I had been to medication, I gave it a try and saw some of my past worries slip away. Antidepressants are not an end all. Patience, strength and optimism are the keys to recovery. I still battle through my mental illness everyday but like anything, there are good and bad days. I learned that seeking happiness for the approval of others wasn’t going to get me anywhere. This is life and with life there are many aspects that I cannot control. One thing I can control though, my own happiness. I’m in control of how I feel and I will not let this monster win.
Depression is just as serious as any exterior sickness. I have a chemical imbalance in my brain that I did not ask for, nor did a diabetic ask for their sickness. Yet, mental illnesses do not get the compassion that physical conditions do. Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind, and be there for someone.
