The smell of pepperonis and cheese is replaced with a night breeze and cigarettes as the door to a new campus-favorite slams. My friends' faces glow, laughing in the window with eyes flashing back to the counter, hungry for our little girl’s night indulgence. My teeth slightly chatter and goose bumps rise as I round the rouge bricks to reach their apartment’s bathroom in the same building.
In the one-minute walk, a man a few yards in front of me slurringly yells, “Hey beautiful.” My lashes flip instantly as I shift focus to the ground and continue on what has become a mini mission to pass this man. The original intent of a simple bathroom run is overpassed. “You could say thank you, bitch.”
I suppose I could’ve said thank you, then maybe this interaction would just be over. Then maybe I could just continue past him to my destination, but was that really required of me? Must I show appreciation and fake a smile for this “compliment?” Did I owe this strange something? My time? My voice? My body? Why? Because he gave meaningless notice to my appearance?
These thoughts tumble back and forth in my mind as I pee in the dark apartment. I sit on the toilet with eyebrows furrowed and a lump in my throat. This beautiful bitch is infuriated and this stranger isn’t the only source. Every “complimenter” with eyes flickering left and right for their next target, the next hottie, is on my mind. My head is held high on my return trip and my teeth do not chatter -- they’re clenched. I do not owe a thank you to any “compliments.”
Two men have now joined our table. Later my friends tell me the men flipped them off then came inside to express their attraction. I mean, on the playground we were always told that when boys were mean they liked us. I guess that hadn’t changed. The cruel flirting techniques linger.
During the conversation, their ages were exposed. Their college days had long passed as with their twenties. Mid-30s and from out of town but at a college pizzeria, hmm. As they continued, their intentions were revealed. Sex. “This strip always has the hottest girls.”
Why are these instances not received as compliments? How flattering! A strange finds you sexy. They were so attracted, they stirred up the courage to speak to such a beautiful woman. “F*** you. Sexy. Beautiful. Bitch.” Compliments. We’re the ones being rude, right? We should be grateful!
Why didn’t I say thank you? Because I knew what was coming next. Since I didn’t respond, vulgar terms are thrown in my face. I am so rude because I don’t accept his compliment. And why don’t it? Because it’s not a compliment! It’s an empty pursuit. It’s not to boost my confidence or to be kind. It’s sexual objectification of my body.
This is why some “compliments” are unwanted and why I’m not exactly thrilled to be called beautiful while walking alone late at night. Regardless of the fact that I’m taken, it doesn’t matter. Regardless of one’s relationship status, cat-calling and other derogatory attempts of flirting or whatever the intent are offensive and sometimes frightening.
If you find a stranger beautiful and you would like to share this with them, there are certainly different ways to approach the situation. Don’t claim your cat-calling derived from a sincere desire to flatter a woman. No, that’s unacceptable. If you want to flatter a stranger, begin a conversation! Be polite. Here are my revisions to what I experienced.
Scenario 1: See an attractive stranger nearing in the dark and you want to tell her really bad? Bringing attention to this person is probably not appropriate at night outside, so be very careful approaching this situation. Perhaps begin by addressing something non-threatening and obvious such as the weather: “It’s pretty chilly tonight.” Or you noticed she just walked out of a busy restaurant. Comment on that. "Wow, that place looks packed tonight. Must be some good pizza.” Depending on her response, you may be able to initiate and engage in a conversation in which you could express your attraction.
Scenario 2: From the perspective of the man walking with his friend- Those girls in the window are really pretty. I want to talk to them. Let’s go in man. Walks in, smiles at the girls, “Hey, doesn’t pizza sound really good right now? We thought so too. How are you tonight?” Conversation continues. At the appropriate moment, maybe when leaving, slip in “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable but you’re a very beautiful woman. It was nice to meet you.” Wow! Didn’t have to flip anyone off or objectify them! What a success. And maybe the girl actually appreciated this because this time it was a sincere compliment.
Compliments can be very flattering when they are actually compliments. I’m not afraid or angered by compliments from strangers. It’s nice sometimes when a cashier says “you’re a beautiful woman.” Sometimes that compliment is just the self-esteem lift that a person needs. However, what I’ve explained in this article is very different from that. When I’m walking home from the bus stop after a long day at work, I don’t like to be yelled at about my looks. That’s not genuine. It’s just sexist.
Before you say this is just a stupid nit-picky rant from a “useless third wave American feminist” when there is “actual sexism occurring in other countries,” please consider a few things. Cultural relativism. Yes, American women are very fortunate compared to some other cultures, but that doesn’t mean they or anyone else should have to suffer through disrespect because of this fact. Yes, we have come very far in gender equality but there is a long road ahead. Everyone deserves respect. And here is where I place the reminder of feminism’s definition -- political, social, and economic equality of all genders. What I am describing is social equality. I do not hate men. I do not want to be superior to men. I stand for equality. I preach respect for other human beings.
Speak up against bias. Speak up when vulgar terms like “whore,” “cunt,” and “bitch” are being tossed around. These terms aren’t innocent, funny jokes. They’re rude and it only escalates from there. It’s not uptight to be angered instead of laughing. For further education, see the Youtube video #DearDaddy by CARE Norway -- one of the many sources of information on subjects like this.
If you’re an offended male reading this, please know I realize the cat-callers do not represent the male population. There are many amazing people in every gender and then there are some shitty ones that misrepresent the rest. If that’s not you and you treat people with respect, great, continue on my fellow human. However, this does occur every day; there are people like this.
It doesn’t matter what gender you’re talking to, whether the person is familiar or a stranger, be respectful. Consider how your words will come off to the receiver. Stop cat-calling and start actually complimenting. Just keep in mind, others are not required to provide something in return. Your kindness should not be dependent upon reciprocation. If lack of response turns you cold, then it probably wasn’t so nice to begin with. Start spreading joy to others and treating your neighbors like the human beings they are. Be genuine and be nice for the sake of being nice.
