Preparing for a date, to a completely irrational human being, is like preparing for prom. Everything has to be perfect. You’ve put off the date for a month because you needed proper time for pampering but it’s finally here.

You’ve called everyone in your family to tell them you’re in luck and someone actually wants to be seen in public with you. Grandma mailed you a good luck card with $5 and mom is shopping for wedding centerpieces. Dad is weighing you down with extra pressure because mom really wants grandkids and he’s tired of listening to her wonder what went wrong with you. “Don’t f*ck it up Timmy,” followed by a pat on the back. He hands you a condom and you really are in high school again.

I’ve recently belly flopped back into the dating pool and let’s just say I wasn’t quite ready. Completely forgetting the dedication it takes to prepare for the act of dating, I realize I can’t possibly be alone. To prove it, I’ve compiled this list of things normal (totally insane) people do before a date in hopes that someone in the world agrees with me.

1. Investigate

You Googled your date so intensely that you found an obituary for someone else with the same name and panicked he/she faked death to get out of actually spending an evening with you.

Just remember that your private investigator skills need to be kept under wraps until at least a few months into seeing this person. Don’t give your poker face away at dinner. What I mean is don’t divulge into your dates Twitter feed from a year ago.

“So, I read on your social media that you got rid of your TV but I also found your Time Warner cable bill through their system logs and I just don’t understand.” Dad is watching you and he heard you say that. Mom is crying again and grandma wants her $5 back. One of your cousins actually has a chance for a second date.

2. Shave

Basically, your shower has become life’s cleansing pallet. You shave your entire body, even where it’s physically impossible to grow hair because your date cannot know you’re human and have any. You even invite over some friends to help wax, pluck and laser hair removal any evidence that you were born anything but smooth as a baby’s ass.

3. Change

“Should I be chic, hipster, casual, dressy or maybe all of the above?”

“He’s kind of a hippy so maybe I’ll make a brown, paper bag look good.”

You spent all day at work planning the perfect thing to wear from head to toe; too bad it doesn’t fit anymore. Your dog is buried somewhere underneath a pile of stuff that were options until completely overanalyzed. Everything you’ve ever worn that has bad luck attached to it doesn’t just stay away from the date, it becomes garbage. There will be absolutely no bad juju tonight.

4. Shots

Since your friends are already there for moral and beauty support it’s only fitting to take off the edge with a shot or two. We all do it. It’s motivation but if you’ve started shotgunning you’ve veered too far off of the beaten path. You still have an entire date to get through and the facial you got will be ruined when alcohol is seeping through your pores.

5. Poop

Yes, you poop before your date. There are so many reasons for this. First, you don’t want to have to poop on your date. Second, you don’t want to end up like the girl who did poop on her date, wrapped up the specimen and put it in her purse.

You’ve already done shots, presumably of tequila, and now you’re about to put steak and potatoes into the mix. That’s not a good combination. Also, just as an added bonus it’ll flatten your belly a little.

6. Cancel

Or so you want to.

“I’m just not going!” If after all of the nervous running around, changing clothes and sweating profusely you’ve decided to just stay home, I officially welcome you to the dating world. It’s a scary pool out there. People are ruthless today. The expectations of dating are overbearing and I wouldn’t blame you for wanting to cancel, but don’t.

This is my motivational smack on the ass to you! It’s going to be a great evening whether there is a second date or not.