The article below is written by Lisa Renee Thiele, a resilient, beautiful, strong woman who decided to share her story.
It took hitting rock bottom to see just how resilient I was. It took feeling weak and defenseless to see that I had power inside me. It took a man acting like a monster to make me realize that I was a woman.
It took 12 hours to remember that I had said no 3 times. It took 2 days before I could confirm to my best friend that he had raped me. It took 3 days to say the words “I was raped” out loud.
It took 4 months for the daily panic attacks to stop. It took 5 months for me to sleep through the night without the nightmares and flashbacks haunting my dreams. It took a year to believe the words “It wasn’t your fault.” It took everything from me.
Yet here I am.
I was 18 the first time I ever referred to myself as a woman instead of a girl. I was 18 the first time I felt like more than a child. I was 18 when I was raped.
Rape is not always a stranger in a dark alley. The lines are not always as clear cut as a violent act between a clearly evil man and a small, defenseless woman. Yet, this is what rape has been portrayed as for the longest time.
There was no dark alley the night of March 10th, 2016. There was no screaming. There was only me and a man that I knew. I questioned for months if I was justified in calling it rape. Could the repeated nos or the tears be confused for consent? Could the fading in and out of consciousness be seen as willingness. Why hadn't I just fought harder? Said no one more time? Why hadn’t I prevented this?
I blamed myself for months. I needed to hear the words “it’s not your fault” 1000 times from my best friend and my counselor before the words finally sunk in. It wasn’t my fault. I wasn’t crazy or damaged. This didn’t define me.
I was lucky enough to have the most incredible friend by my side. I truly believe that I would not be here today without her. Roohi listened and sacrificed for me. She forced me to reflect on myself and look my PTSD in the face. She pushed me to continue on, even when I didn’t want to. As 18 and 19 year olds, we had no idea what we were doing or how we were supposed to handle this, but we did. We didn’t have the choice to run. Though I have at times, felt guilty for making her bear the weight of this with me, I know I couldn’t have done it alone.
In the 2 years since my rape, I have done a lot of healing. I learned a lot about myself. I learned that once started, these conversations cannot be stopped. I have seen women open up to me once I opened up to them. I have seen how vitally important it is to start the conversation.
I want to live in a world where this conversation continues because survivors don’t feel the need to hide. I want to take away the shame of being a victim of sexual assault because there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. I want people to recognize that sexual assault isn’t only occurring in dark alleyways. It is occurring on campuses like ours all across the nation. It is happening everyday to women all over the world.
It took me two years to speak out about what happened to me because above everything else, I was scared of the stigma attached to the word victim. I did not choose for this to happen to me, but I do get to choose what I do with it now. I choose to fight.
To survivors: It is not your responsibility to share your story. I understand how terrifying it is to open your mouth and say to others that this happened to you. I understand the fear of hurting the people who love you and the reluctance to share the weight of this with those who you care about most. I am here to say that I could not have done this alone and that you shouldn’t have to. I am here to listen. I believe you.
By Lisa Thiele
Confidential Help at Wake Forest:
Safe Office:
Helpline 24/7: 336-758-5285
Benson: Room 414
University Counseling Center
336-758-5273
Reynolda: Room 117
Confidential Help around the U.S.
National Sexual Assault Hotline (RAINN): 800-656-HOPE (4673)
- Can give you access to a trained therapist and find you local resources to help you
