Eating disorders are something should not be treated lightly or just blown overhead. They are serious and very prevalent.
Recently, I fell back into old habits due to ongoing stress of school and work. I have never officially experienced an eating disorder, however, I can speak to it as someone who has had thoughts that could invoke one.
Throughout high school, the draining halls were filled with girls of all shapes and sizes, ridiculed for their bodies and who they were. I was someone who had never felt comfortable in their own skin from a very young age. I vividly remember, in my Gymnastics days, hating the way I looked in a leotard and the way my hip bones popped out to the sides. I always compared myself to the other, smaller girls. I knew I was not fat, but I definitely did not like what I saw when I looked in the mirror. I would skip meals, secretly buy weight loss pills, try every diet or cleanse I could read about online, and yet I was never satisfied.Years later, as a high school student, I would look back at old pictures of myself, and only wish that I'd looked like that still. Within the confines of school, there was always someone prettier, and thinner than me, and I knew that. I just couldn't get myself to accept the fact that I will never benefit from comparing myself to others. I now see, and truly believe, that there will always be someone that can one-up me or even 100-up me, it is just important to tell yourself that although there may be someone else better, that does not decrease your worth in any way.
As I, along with every college student ever, have said, university life is grueling and stressful. I have discovered recently when I get extremely overwhelmed, I forget to eat or don't have an appetite at all. I could go a day or two without eating, and not realize until I looked in the mirror the next day and noticed that my stomach was significantly flatter or I got a splitting migraine and feel light headed. Unhealthy, I know.
As an actress, the first thing we are judged upon our arrival at a casting call is our appearance. Is she too short or not skinny enough? Directors are very specific in the "type" that they want for their dancers and performers. It is terrifying to think that your career could suffer because you are not in better shape. In college, I took this upon myself to improve upon, effectively this time. It is drilled into our heads that we have to work hard and be the absolute best that we can be. I started working out as many times as I could fit in my schedule, eating a nearly raw and vegan diet, and taking care of my body. This was going extremely well.... and then I went wrong. I found it upon myself to set unrealistic goals for what I would be eating and doing. This previous week, I woke up, stretched, went to Ballet class, went to work, and then fainted. My boss panicked and I was sent home for the day from working. I had not eaten in two days. I then went to the dining hall, got myself some food and binged. I binged and binged and binged until I was sick and weak in the knees nauseous. I threw up and went on with my night, and then bed.
I told myself that I would never let that happen again. This was definitely not the first time I have put myself through something like this and it always ends badly.
I tell you this now because, after eighteen years, I understand what it means to listen to your body. I have heard that saying from teachers for years and never thought anything of it. The night that I threw up, I wrote in my journal what I learned from this. I wrote reminders in my planner for the rest of the year to listen to what my body is telling me. It is so much more beneficial to do things that make you happy. It is a commonality in the world, that we all wish we were more like someone else. But you know what, we aren't and never will be. It is so much easier to accept that and make the best out of what you were given. Your body is a unique and miraculous thing.
"Valentines Day, February 14th, 2017
I wish that I was skinny enough. Today I feel very lightheaded and tired. I don't have to work tonight though because of this morning's incident. I will nap after English.
I caved. I just ate so much, I am a FAT ASS. I hate myself.
OK, I threw up.
What I learned from this dreadful day:
I NEED to listen to my body and when I am hungry- eat. It is easier to make healthy choices and satisfy your hunger than to fight it. When you binge: drink water, forgive yourself, and move on. Everything is going to be okay. You are enough.
Don't tear yourself down for other." -My Journal
