As I’m writing this, I am sitting on a balcony overlooking Strom Thurmond Lake. Several moments after each boat passes the waves get a little bigger and crash along the shoreline. I find it metaphorical. There are things that happen to us that don’t truly affect us until after they pass.
It's peaceful here, and quiet. I feel as if this is the epitome of God’s grace. These restful moments, these moments with God are something I have been missing lately.
One thing I don’t really like talking about is how much my depression has affected my faith. It’s uncomfortable. On the retreat, we focused on life’s struggles. During this moment with God, I was able to be fully present in that moment. The director of the retreat provided a short chapter from Matthew Kelly’s book Resisting Happiness. In chapter five, entitled Life is messy, Kelly closes out the chapter by writing “Life is messy, but nobody can take your hope from you. And if there is one thing that resistance hates, it is hope. So hold on to your hope no matter how messy life gets, and share it with everyone who crosses your path.”
Each time he mentioned resistance I kept equating that resistance to my depression. Early on, my depression took all hope of a better future from me. I gave up on caring about things I loved. I gave up on school. I gave up on myself. I gave up on my faith. I didn’t stop believing, but I didn’t put the effort in that I used to.
Slowly but surely, I am finding hope again and my relationship with God is a work in progress.
College life is so crowded, so hectic, and so busy. Rarely do we get moments like these to slow down and appreciate the life we live? I was able to learn how to appreciate God’s beauty in nature the summer before my freshman year of college. That summer I packed three weeks’ worth of clothing into a small duffle (no easy task), bought a therm-a-rest, borrowed my friends sleeping bag and my parents’ tarp, left my cell phone with my mom, and got on a charter bus with over 80 strangers to travel across the country in 23 days.
Over the next three weeks, I would spend my nights sleeping outside and my days exploring numerous cities throughout the United States. Out of all the nights we had on the trip we spent no more than seven of them inside as a result of bugs that I swear were trying to eat us, rain that came out of nowhere, or preplanned venues.
I walked barefoot on the River Walk of San Antonio, star gazed in the clear skies of New Mexico, hiked three miles of the Grand Canyon, got super sunburnt in Santa Monica, got into a stranger's car to go shopping at Top Shop, went to Disneyland, fell in love with San Francisco and Jackson Hole Wyoming, learned that I’m not a huge fan of rodeos in Cody, kissed a cadet at the air force academy (on the cheek, y'all, chill), Toured the Olympic Training Center in Colorado Springs, took a bath in Bear lake (don’t worry, I was wearing a bathing suit), spent the fourth of July at Mount Rushmore, spelled out words under the Gateway Arch, toured Churchill Downs, ate at the original KFC, learned how to feed 80 kids on a tight budget, and cried basically all the way home.
The trip was invented years ago by Dennis Deaton. It is called Teens Westward Bound and it was the best experience of my entire life. I wish every day that I could go back and do it again. Prior to each trip, Dennis shares these words with each participant:
I offer you laughter, for laughter is beauty.
I offer you my dream, for my dream is you.
I offer you America, for America is yours.
I offer you honesty, for honesty is pure.
I offer you sincerity, for through my sincerity I will show you my inner being and dreams.
All I ask in return is for you to be honest and open for through your honesty and opinions
I will receive from you all that I offer.
At the retreat, I was reminded how important the silent moments with God are. I had many of those moments on TWB, but they have not been as frequent during my college career. My faith is a work in progress. I struggle a lot, but that’s what makes it worth it.
I used to ask myself why God would make me this way. Why I was made to have depression and anxiety. And at the end of the day, I know that God made me this way because he knew I could handle it. The poem relates not just to our actions on the trip, but to our actions in a relationship with God. I’ve got a lot of work to do, but I’m really looking forward to it.
