When I sat down in front of my computer this week I thought, “OK, this is it. This is going to be the week I write about my anxiety.” That usually falls through, and I write about the other first thing that pops into my head. This usually works out fine, but it’s not what my heart has been set on expressing.
Not many people are aware I have anxiety, because it’s not something I casually include in conversation, and admitting yet another flaw I have that takes me farther from perfect isn’t something I enjoy discussing. But I have to get this off my chest. I am a social butterfly with anxiety.
I’m an extrovert. An outgoing, fun-loving and talkative girl who loves the company of others. I enjoy being on stage, being the center of attention at times and going on adventures. But some days I wake up and I’m crippled. My chest is tight, it’s hard to breathe, my head is pounding and the last thing I want to do is get out of bed. Sometimes I get up and I’m fine, but other days it seems like it’s never going to go away. I feel suffocated, alone and unwanted. I feel sad, scared and like a disappointment. My friends don’t always know what’s wrong, and heck, I usually don’t either, and that’s tough when all I want to do is go out and have fun. The last thing I ever want is for my mental state to affect my life and my college career. Lately, though, that’s all it seems to be doing.
Maybe because the end of the semester is around the corner, maybe because I’m applying for internships and looking at grad schools, or maybe just because. I don’t get to pick when I feel anxious and upset or when mood swings hit. I just have to take the punches and try to carry on. I haven’t let it hold me back, though. I’m in a sorority and flourishing through it, I’m in a comedy acting group, succeeding in classes and loving life as much as I can. Some days are cloudier than others, some nights are a little darker, but at the end of the day I love myself and everyone else I have the privilege of knowing.
Not many people are aware of my anxiety, because I try to not let it keep me down. The punches keep coming but I keep going. It’s hard, but if living life was easy, would it even be worth it? Challenge accepted, because my anxiety has not and will not hold me back from living my outgoing and social way of life. I enjoy people, my friends and family keep me sane and being involved on campus gives me opportunities and memories I may never get otherwise. I am not anxiety, I have anxiety, and it will not define my life. Though it may bring me down, I am a stronger person when I build myself back up.
