I fear what people think about me when I'm around them. I fear that they're judging me based on my personality or the way I look. I fear that anytime I'm around other people, especially if they're my age, they won't accept me. I don't know what causes this, but needless to say, it causes me to have insane spells of anxiety. Social anxiety, or social phobia, is the fear of being seen negatively or criticized by other people.

I met new people all throughout my freshman year of high school. Some of them I clicked with and we're good friends now, but some of them I never wanted to be around. Sometimes, certain people can come off in a way that makes me feel that they don't like me, and because of that, I get anxious feelings for no reason when I'm in their presence. A lot of them are probably fake, and don't have an interest in being around me, but I'm sure there were a few that didn't think negatively of me the way I thought they did.

I have a great group of friends in my dorm (shout out to you, Moore Hall tenth floor), that welcomed me in the "family" when I moved in second semester. All semester, they had been trying to get me to go out with them. Whether it was to a party or shopping or even just to go to the dining hall. Even though they are my friends, I still had a ridiculous fear that they might not actually like me, or that I would do or say something to make them not like me. In reality, this wouldn't happen and I know it. But my anxiety tells me otherwise.

My experience with social phobia is very hard to explain, and even when I do tell people about it, they still don't understand it unless they deal with it severely themselves. I even get anxiety thinking about having to tell someone about my anxiety. It's a never ending cycle. I fear about what they will think of me if I do go to that party, or if I don't go to that party. Either way, I don't win. I typically turn down the offer of going out, because I get worse anxiety when I'm introduced to a bunch of new people in one night.

I've always been really self-conscious, and I'm the type of girl that can't eat in front of someone new, especially if it's a guy. It's all because I'm afraid of what they will think of me, and it sounds crazy to say that. I always tell myself that no one is going to judge me for eating dinner. The few times that I have agreed to go to the dining hall with friends, my anxiety literally makes me nauseous and I'll lose my appetite and won't eat. Then, I have to deal with the question, "Why aren't you eating anything?" in which I respond that I just don't feel good because having to explain my anxiety will only make it worse.

My anxiety comes from my thoughts. One strange way I can describe it is, if a group of people near me are laughing or making jokes, I automatically assume it's about me. I go around thinking there's something wrong with me that people make fun of, and that probably isn't the case at all. If I go to a club or see live music with my friends, I might have guys come up to me and hit on me, call me "beautiful" or tell me I'm "the only girl here they have their eyes on," but I typically don't even believe them and still feel really self-conscious and feel like everyone is judging me negatively. I can't help it.

However, I will note that college has helped me improve some with my anxiety. I learned that always listening to my anxiety and staying in by myself only makes it stronger. More recently, I did go out with my friends and I did go to the dining hall with them, even though guys were there. And I did eat dinner. It actually came easier to me than I thought. Living in a co-ed dorm, it became easier for me to walk around without my makeup done and still wearing what I slept in the night before.

I think the biggest reason why my social anxiety has lightened up is because of the great community I've built with everyone around me. Besides some drama here and there, everyone that I hang around with in my dormitory loves each other. We all support each other and we're all comfortable with each other. Coming to the realization that I actually have many friends that enjoy being around me helped me to handle my anxiety better, and allowed me to start saying yes to hanging out more often.

I'm not "cured" from my anxiety, and I will probably have it for the rest of my life. I become nauseous every day from something different. But I do know one thing, and it is that I'm so thankful for all of the supportive friends I've met this year, who might not truly understand my situation but don't give me a hard time about it. I'm still going to get anxiety when I'm introduced to new people, but I'm going to continue to fight it and try to overcome it to the best of my ability.