Single, Yes, But Not In The Mood To Mingle

Single, Yes, But Not In The Mood To Mingle

I don't know about you but I often feel like I was born in the wrong generation. I feel this way often when thinking about being in a relationship.

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msmry
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I was raised by an older parent who raised me like it was still 1975 (love you, Ma). Needless to say, I am the definition of old skool. I am known as the grandma amongst my friends. Mainly because I get little to none of the newer terminologies and if I do I sound like somebodies wanna be cool auntie saying it. I don't really have a problem with not fitting completely in with my generation. I always enjoyed the concept of being different and unique.

However, being single is a whole nother ball game. In this generation many people meet from parties are hanging out and as someone who does not feel comfortable in these situations, I don't really have many opportunities to meet a potential partner. Not to mention, I am very much so a bookworm and nerdy so I live in the library or my room, not really ideal for finding a partner. Unless you encounter someone so bold to walk up and say "Hi."

So, when it comes to getting wedding invites to high school classes, weddings and seeing them have kids, it does get a little difficult as I am still single nancy over here.

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Some may say, "Well if it bothers you so much, why not take that risk, go out and try." I would say absolutely not, my momma told me to stand firm in what I believe in even if I changed my mind. Lol... Just kidding, I have tried going out but then there's that awkward hump to get comfortable. Everyone knows the latest dances and things and my favorite dance is still the wobble. I can imagine some people asking what is the wobble.

OK, maybe a little too old skool. My point is for those who are like me and don't feel like they necessarily "fit in" with this generation, dare to try. Just go out. It's gonna be uncomfortable as hell but it'll be worth it. If nothing you can add another experience to your bucket list. You never know what could come from it. Best part you can always run back home to a good book that story will be there when you get back.

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But you know what it is also OK to be single. I have been for a while now and it's honestly the best, for me at least. Yes sure, it gets lonely every now and then especially with the holidays around the corner. However, I have always believed that one needs to spend some time with themselves and learn themselves before hopping into something with someone else. You wanna be able to have a happy and healthy relationship. I genuinely don't believe that can happen if you do not love and know yourself first.

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Promise, that person will be there when they should be. In the meantime enjoy this alone time, love yourself. In the meantime, I'm right here with you.

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Open Letter To The Boy Who Didn't Appreciate Me

I know, now, that what I have to offer is for someone who realizes just how spectacular I really am.
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Dear You,

You didn't give me enough credit. I put you on a pedestal; I praised you for everything you did right, and even when you did wrong, I still thought you were the greatest.

You see, I know what it's like to appreciate what is in front of me. I have loved, and I have lost. And when I found you and got to know what was deep down inside you, I began to fall for that. But that's not who you were. That's the person you wanted to be.

You wear a mask every day. You put on a big show for everyone around you. Well done! You have them convinced. But me? Not so much. I challenged you to really think about the person you wanted to be. The person you don't show to others. And for a while, you were that person for me. I got your best. And it was wonderful.

But when you were done putting in the effort to treat me with respect and love, it went downhill. When you stopped cherishing the time spent and the deep conversations shared, you resented me. You resented how I made you think further than your comfort zone. You resented how much time of yours I took. You resented the effort it took to be a better person for me. You resented my emotional nature and the huge heart God blessed me with. And it was hurtful.

But that's what I love about myself. I am not easily won over, or impressed. I don't want to settle for mediocre or half your best, I want rawness and wholeness. I want vulnerability. I want someone who isn't afraid to shout the way they feel about me. I want someone who is able to recognize I am a prize. I want someone to appreciate that I have opinions and I am a free thinking individual. I want someone to reciprocate the neverending love I have to give.

I am not a brainless individual. I am an intelligent being, with opinions and thoughts on the world around me. I am a loving and giving person. Always accepting, always patient, always generous. My love is rare. Mostly because I love without conditions. And you won't find that just anywhere.

My emotions were never yours to toy with. I trusted that you would take good care of me. I gave you some of the most precious pieces of me, but you played me for a fool. You left me unsatisfied with a broken heart and nothing to show for the time we spent together.

But I have come to terms with the truth. What I had to offer was much too great for what you were willing to give back. You were not ready for what I was able to provide for you. It frightened you. I wanted to grow with you. I wanted to learn with you. I wanted to build you up, pamper you, shower you in love. But then again, you showed me you weren't worthy. I had to pull myself up from my boot-straps, and move on.

I know, now, that what I have to offer is for someone who realizes just how spectacular I really am. And that was never you.

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To All 15 of My Flings In 2018, Thank You, Next

You taught me that I am good enough for anyone, but this does not mean I should settle.

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2018 was my promiscuous year. And by that I mean the year I went on the most dates (maybe like 50 tbh), had the most hookups and flirted more than I ever did. 2018 shaped me and changed how I saw things. Many men entered my life but also left. Rather than bashing on them like a certain pop star, yes Taylor Swift I'm talking about you, I decided to take Ariana Grande's approach. Because by meeting these men, I learned about myself and what I wanted.

So this is a letter to my hookups, my exes, the guys I chose not to give a second date to, my stalker and the guys who hurt me.

Thank you, but next.

All names have been changed for the purpose of this article. P.S I did not sleep with all these men, but even if I did there should be no judgment!

1. Andrew

Andrew, you made me hurt a lot. I was so caught up on you, I isolated myself from people because of you. I did things I wouldn't normally do for you. You did teach me a lot of pain. But also a lot of lessons. You taught me that a woman should never feel like a secret. She should be wanted more than after 2 am. She should not have to sacrifice a lot to be with someone. You taught me that my status does not equal my value. I hope you learned your lessons too. Thank you.

2. Alex

Alex, you were undeniably handsome smooth and funny. We actually still talk a lot because you're just very charming. What I learned from you is that guys should be able to listen. Which is what you were really good at. When you'd come over I knew I was going to laugh a lot, even if you stumbled in drunk or smell like weed. But what I also learned was that sometimes things don't go as planned. Why we would never work out is because your lifestyle is very different from mine. But thank you anyways.

3. AA

AA, where do I even begin with you? At one point I really did want us to date because you had everything together. You made me laugh, you drove hours to see me on a given night. But you taught me that the person I should be with will accept all of me. The person I should be with will push me towards my goals and love me for who I truly am. You taught me that sometimes life does get in the way of people and if it was meant to be it would have happened. Thank you for always listening, telling me I was beautiful and calling me if I was freaking out. I'm sorry I wasn't ready to date you when you asked. But thank you, for still thinking about me.

4. August 

August, you were great. It was fun to go back and forth with you because the laughter was endless. You taught me that I don't have to give myself to someone so easily. You taught me that I can be flirty, sexy and smart all in one. Though we never moved as far as a kiss, thanks for taking care of me when I was drunk, lost and bored. I'm proud of where you are now. Thank you for everything.

5. Allen  

Allen, you are still a great friend. Thanks for getting along well with my friends. Thank you for teaching me that I don't need to hide my sexual orientation from anyone because that's who I am. Thank you for constantly pushing me to be the best I can be.

6. Alec

Alec, thank you for putting up with me and my friends. I know we can be a lot to handle. You taught me that the guy I should end up would only have eyes for me. And that I should not be anyone's second choice. Thanks.

7. Andre

Andre, you were a mess if I'm being honest. Yet you were there for me when I needed you and for that I thank you. Thanks for visiting me over those lonely summer nights. You taught me that a guy should not cheat or lie. You taught me that a guy should not fear to be around his partners' friends. You taught me that everyone has a backstory and not to judge someone based off looks. Thank you.

8. Alan 

Alan, I have no words to describe you. Though you were good to my friends and had goals you seemed to still be searching for yourself. You taught me that a woman should never wait on a man. You taught me that I should not feel like an object. You taught me that I am good enough for anyone, but this does not mean I should settle. You taught me that I should not feel used. Thank you.

9. Ace

Ace, though we only had one summer night of making out you did teach me something. You taught me that guys don't always have to be the ones to make the first move. You taught me that a guy should truly listen to what I had to say and that I should feel beautiful all the time. Thank you.

10. Angel

Angel, the day I met you was very rushed. You made me laugh but also made me feel a little bad afterward. You taught me that sex isn't gratification. You still ended up wanting to date me, but I just couldn't, I'm sorry. You taught me that I should be able to go out and have fun and not have to worry about being hurt. Thank you.

11. Aiden 

Aiden, you took me out of my comfort zone. I'm glad I met some people through you but I did regret it the next day. You taught me that guys and girls can be friends after sex. You also taught me that I shouldn't be too vulnerable when meeting new people. Thank you.

12. Adam 

Adam, I loved taking on new adventures with you. Thank you for trusting me with all your secrets. You taught me that a guy should go beyond the first date to impress me. He should make me laugh, be spontaneous, make me try new things and make me feel wanted. You taught me that distance shouldn't be an excuse for not being with someone. Thank you for being there, I'm sorry I wasn't ready to date.

13. Abe

Abe, you scared me. You taught me that a guy shouldn't blow up my phone. You taught me that I shouldn't fear the person I am with. You taught me that I shouldn't feel embarrassed with the person I am with. You taught me that a guy should never talk to a girl with harsh language, You taught me that a guy shouldn't control someone else's life to show he cares. You taught me that guy should never degrade a girl. Thank you.

14. Anthony

Anthony, you gave me a lot of happiness. You taught me that a guy can test me intellectually. You taught me that I should go for anything and everything I want. You taught me that people have different ways of showing others how they care. You taught me that I can be really goofy and that's perfectly okay. You taught me, that just because someone sounds perfect on paper, doesn't mean they are. You taught me that there are going to be a lot of broken hearts before I meet the right the person. You taught me to love myself no matter what size I am. You taught me to always voice my opinion. You taught me that it's okay not to be okay all the time. You taught me that guy should have eyes for me, and only me. You taught me that a guy should not lie. You taught me that a heart stings when they get hurt. You taught me that a guy should work really hard if he wants to be serious. You taught me a lot. Thank you.

15. A

A, you taught me that our story is just beginning.

Look, you're going to meet so many people in your life, but this does not mean you should settle for anything less. I know now more than ever that my top priority is myself. I have to make sure myself is taken care of first.

Thank you to all the guys who were in my life, but it's time to move on. Yes, it's going to hurt, you'll start questioning what you did wrong, or how you could be better. But remember in order to love someone else, you need to love yourself first.

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