“I ponder of something terrifying
'Cause this time there's no sound to hide behind”
- “Car Radio”, Twenty One Pilots
So I woke up on the wrong side of the bed the other morning, metaphorically and literally (typically I wake up facing away from the door, if you were curious). I was planning on sleeping in until 8:00, but was woken up by my phone at the ungodly hour of 7:30.
“PLEASE CAN YOU DELIVER ME ICE COFFEE AT LIKE 9 please PLEASE”.
I don’t know about you, but that is not exactly how I like to be woken up: being asked to go out of my way to get Starbucks for my sister. But this one moment could not possibly (or reasonably) define someone’s day. But, in my case, reason played no factor at all.
I rolled out of bed and into my mom’s car. She needed me to bring it in to get the wheels checked. “Another job for the family lackey!” my bitterness screamed, stuck in a car that not only had bad wheels but did not have a working radio (and has not, for two years). And so I drove the 20 minutes to Starbucks with my phone blasting music, but it just wasn’t loud enough; it barely filled the silence. I was still fuming from the “audacity” of my older sister asking me to get her a venti iced coffee with soy. And, as I drove, bitterness whispered in my ear, ensuring me that Katie was not grateful and would never pay me back.
Fast forward, and I’m working. While gardening, which is a particularly lonely profession, I listen to Podcasts. I tried listening to music, but somehow the same 100 songs got boring after a few weeks, and did not have the same effect as a new every day Podcast did. With the music, as I became familiarized with all the lyrics and melodies (but not harmonies, because I have a terrible ear), I found that I was not nearly as distracted as I wanted to be. So now, listening to a new Podcast every day, I find that I am thoroughly distracted. But from what?
Late that night I went to bed and lay there in silence. I had just set the unreasonable bitterness of the day on my bedside table, prepared to pick it up again in the morning. But, as I plugged in my headphones to drown out the silence while I drifted off to sleep, I stopped myself for a minute and listened to the person I had ignored all day: myself.
Silence is funny like that. I’ve come to see silence as a two-faced companion.
- For some it brings a profound sense of comfort and connection. Taking time to listen to the silence allows us to check in with ourselves, to conquer any demons before they grow too unruly. This has been understood for thousands of years, being the main purpose for meditation in many religions.
- For others, silence is a loud and resentful companion. Many people are afraid of or uncomfortable with what they will find when they embrace the silence and confront themselves, so they simply fill their lives with noise and distractions. With this mindset, some demons may drown in the noise, but others will likely be left unchecked. They will just continue to fester in your head and in your heart.
Maybe the key, then, is just to listen to yourself. Maybe that’s how I could have avoided my angry day. Whether we’re in the middle of the work week (or just a long week) or the middle of the school year, it can be so easy to forget to check in with ourselves. Even if it’s just a few minutes of silence during your commute, or in bed before you pull out your phone in the morning or after you put it away at night, maybe that’s all it would take. It could be prayer, meditation, reflection, whatever gets you listening.
Maybe we would all be just a little more at peace if we took time to understand why we’re feeling the way we’re feeling, instead of blindly accepting our emotions. We could see that our anger may not be as righteous as we thought and our sorrow not as irreversible, or our joy even more supported by gratitude once we take minute to look back.
We find so much fulfillment in connecting with others; musicians in their songs, hosts in their Podcasts, friends and family in our conversations. I think it’s time we all start connecting with ourselves a bit more. Summertime is a time to step away from the (oddly enjoyable) madness of school and relax, so why not step away from the distractions that we give ourselves too, if just for a few minutes. Besides, who understands you more than you? What a wonderful friendship it could be! It would by no means be an easy relationship, because sometimes confronting ourselves can hurt, but confrontation always seems to help us rise above our current circumstances. Of course, you don’t have to listen to me, but hopefully you’re a little more inspired to listen to yourself.
