At one time or another, I've watched every single one of my girlfriends slouch in their chairs in front of me, roll their eyes to the ceiling, and say with a frustrated sigh, "boys are stupid." Similarly, many of my guys friends have recounted stories on how they got screwed over by a girl, using several not-so-nice words and looking equally defeated. Many adolescents and young adults have had their share of less-than-perfect relationships, in which they may declare an entire gender to be totally incapable of appropriate action, affection, and understanding. I have seen this in college often, especially within the party / hook-up scene. For some, respect is an irrelevant concept. Personalities are boring. Feelings are meaningless. Crazy nights of sex and booze top the priority list and nothing else matters.

Getting played in college is very easy when you surround yourself with the wrong kind of people. Despite my perpetual awkwardness, I miraculously managed, for the majority of my social life thus far, to keep around genuinely good guys, whether romantically or just as friends. I am not bragging (no seriously, I'm far too awkward to credit myself with this fate). I instead want to point out behavioral patterns I’ve noticed, whether they be from my personal experience, or from stories told by my friends. My purpose here, while acclaiming those who treat people they care about the right way, is to acknowledge signs of chivalry (which is, in fact, not dead); this article is for the sake of those who have lost their faith in maintaining relationships, as well as those who need to understand all that a relationship entails if they ever want to be successful in having one.

Being kind

Obvious, right? I think those that can’t get this down have entirely deeper issues other than ones with dating. Nevertheless, everybody deserves respect from the people in their lives. The problem: No one wants to be treated poorly, therefore they are sometimes willing to brush behavioral outbursts under the rug and try to move on without proper confrontation. They are the same people who deserve better but don’t know it. If you find yourself consistently unhappy with someone because of the way they treat you, it's up to you to do something about it. Constant rude comments and inconsiderate habits should not be thoughtlessly delivered. If they are, the person must be directly confronted about their mistreatment. It is those who realize their wrongdoings themselves, own up to it, and work to make amends with the person they hurt that are truly kind at heart. Courtesy matters.

Picking up the tab

I'll admit to simultaneously feeling gratitude and somewhat suppressed discomfort when my date pays for my meal. Here, I finally address this discomfort; according to an article on Bustle, there is an apparent overlap between feminism and chivalry. In my (limited) dating experience, the guy has almost always taken the check. I would object, offer to pay for my half, and then at the very least demand I put in for the tip. My requests were either hushed or ignored. My voice being suppressed is by itself unnerving, but more than anything I am completely flustered at the near obligation men feel to ALWAYS pick up the tab. This isn't an occurrence I always fuss over; after all, it is an admirable act and I'm thankful. But what if I planned or suggested the date? Shouldn’t I be the one taking the check? Men shouldn’t be expected, for the entirety of their dating lives, to cough up cash for women, regardless of circumstance.

It's worth noting that there's more to showing someone you earnestly care for them than taking your wallet out. However, taking gender roles out of the picture, the gesture alone is a nice one. When you are happily spending time with the person who holds your affections, paying for them shouldn’t be an issue (without counting a person’s financial situation as a factor.) Despite this, it is important to communicate feelings of unease in these situations. Personally, I think this gesture should be mutually performed in a committed relationship. I want to give the same respect I am given, in the same way. That's just me.

Holding the door

Just as I feel weird about the check-at-dinner situation, I'm reluctant to hold the door for a guy unless he’s A) much older and more professional, say, a college professor, or B) a friend who I’m kidding around with. I always think to hold the door for anybody, male or female, who is walking in or out with me, but I’m afraid of getting a strange look by a man, or that he will reach up behind me and somehow manage to hold the door for me (some are experts at that, you know). Should I see this as an embarrassment, though? So what if the person doesn't appreciate my gesture? It's the attempt and hope for appreciation that counts

So again, let’s take gender out of the equation. To hold the door for someone is to simply acknowledge their presence and purpose, to show respect and kindness. The effort should be made when the opportunity arises, especially if it involves the person who holds your affections. Opening the door for someone you have feelings for might even open the door to a relationship—okay, that's the only bad pun I make in this article, I promise.

Effective communication

Texting, while being the most popular form of communication among our generation, equals endless mind games. So many of my friends have shared stories about how they were “talking” to so-and-so and then, suddenly, the person disappeared. Stopped answering. Or, said texter started one-wording said friend. Agonized storytellers might complete their stories, yet stare off, sullen and depressed, unable to focus on what anyone else is saying. Their wounded hearts suck all the cheer from the room, and all attempts to discuss another topic fail miserably.

LET’S STOP TORTURING OURSELVES, SHALL WE?

Another smartly-written article on Medium discusses “Chill” culture and the rise of emotional vacancy between two people who refuse to label themselves romantically. When you like someone, even in the slightest non-romantic sense of the word, your relationship with the person is not a game of who-can-care-less. If you are old enough to date, you are old enough to communicate your feelings, which you can’t simply PRETEND NOT TO HAVE. To be chivalrous involves having courage. So if you want to hit-it-and-quit-it, step up and say so. If you want a relationship, work your way up and eventually make it known. If you aren’t sure what you want, tell the person just that. It saves you both a lot of anxiety, and it’s the mature thing to do.

Sticking around

When the going gets tough, the cowards get going. Make sure you recognize who will and won't stick around when something goes awry and when you suddenly need a shoulder to cry on. If someone is brave enough and willing to put up with awkward confrontations, breakdowns, emotional slumps, and anything else life will throw at a person, then they are worth keeping around. Being there proves the person cares. Running away proves you don't matter to them as much as you might have hoped.

Readers, I assure you: Kindhearted, compassionate, chivalrous people worth dating are out there. They may be difficult to find, but reading people is the first step. Essentially, I think we all should be communicating with manners and kindness in order to get their feelings across. Seeing someone's true self and understanding their aim makes decision-making within the realm of dating much easier. Regardless of romantic intentions (or lack thereof), don’t be a jerk and don’t use people. More importantly, don’t be used by people. Recognize the signs of a chivalrous person and seek out the respect you deserve.