Welcome to the first volume of Sh*t That Shouldn't Exist. Here's some shit that shouldn't exist.

Mindless Entertainment Shaming

If you enjoy doing anything besides advanced trigonometry and watching C-SPAN in your free time, I guarantee you there is some asshole out there that think that the activities they arbitrarily chose to enjoy in their free time are better than yours. Someone could be a mediocre failure in every aspect of their life, but then as soon as they find out I like watching "Keeping Up With the Kardashians" on Sunday nights, they feel the need to vomit pretension all over me, coating me and my new sweater in a thick layer of undeserved-superiority. This goes for literally anything that anyone enjoys with no educational or cultural merit that smashes you over the head with a brick--Starbucks, Yoga pants n' Uggs, the Biebs, Cosmopolitan, "Sharknado" (ok not that last one, that's undisputed genius). My favorite are the people who say sh*t like "Dance Moms is ruining society," and then when I ask them what specifically they hate about it, they tell me they've never watched it. This roughly translates to "I will parrot any opinion because I am a melodramatic dumbass who can't formulate my own." Here's an idea on what you can do in your free time- try creating an original thought.

When you mock someone's entertainment choices because you think somehow that makes you more intelligent, that's called "projecting." And with the amount you're doing it, I can watch Kim crying in 1080p on an AMC sized screen.

Apple's "Suggested Reading" List

I was on my phone yesterday morning, mindlessly scrolling when I came across this page-

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(Source: The Derm Review, 2015)

Hm, that graph is too small for me to read on mobile. I know! I'll just turn my phone to landscape mode and locate the graph! Increasing the horizontal surface area of th-

What the f*** is this? For those of you without iPhones, this sh*t automatically pops up and takes up half of the page you're reading when you turn your phone to the side. When you have Apple's (default) "suggested reading" mode on, Apple takes it upon itself to clot half of your screen with either shared links, saved pages, or....Twitter. That's right, Apple thinks that I am such an incompetent dipsh*t that it's basically telling me, "Hey Sarah, I know you really want to be on Twitter right now. F*** off with whatever you're doing." I turn my phone to landscape mode because sometimes it's the only way you can zoom in on something if the website has a poorly designed mobile site. It isn't secret code for "gee, I wish someone would suggest I piss around in a slightly different way than I am right now." Remember which one of us is the being capable of autonomous thought here, iPhone.

"But it's so easy to turn off, are you seriously whining about having to push a button?" F*** you that's not the point. The point is that this "feature" serves no purpose other than Apple trying to shove stupid sh*t in my face because apparently I need "suggestions" on how to waste my time now. It's insulting. It shouldn't exist, and it sure as shIt should not come as a default option. I'd like to "suggest" that Apple add a colonoscopy practical manual to its own list after it shoves this "feature" up its ass.

Open Letters

Open letters are stupid. Open letters are the 50-50 mix of uncomfortable and unoriginal that no one asked for. People write open letters because they so deeply fear criticism that they can't bring themselves to write an actual letter. You are not writing to an abstract thought, you're writing to a person in your brain covered in a thinly veiled skirt of "I-I wasn't talking about you" if ever confronted. It's the literary equivalent of that girl from your high school that's always posting cryptic Facebook statuses about someone who did her wrong but won't @ a bitch. When they do mention who they're writing to (about?), it's exclusively someone who will never, ever read it--Donald Trump, for example. Holy sh*t, if I see another open letter to Tronald J. Dump, I'm going to pumpkin someone's house. I hate to be the one to spoil this for you, but as you cry out in rage over whatever horsesh*t Donald Trump is talking about, you are feeding him. You are Rapunzel, Donald Trump is Mother Gothel, and your outcries of "*things any rational person knows are true*" is that swan song or whatever the f*** she had to sing to keep the witch young. You know damn well know if Donald Trump ever actually read your "open letter" and criticized you, you'd shUt your pants so hard you'd automatically receive 20% of the shares of Depends.

Don't like this article? Write me an actual letter. My email is at the bottom of the page. However, keep in mind, I will call you an idiot for wasting my time with your nonsense.

Starbucks Holiday Backlash-Backlash

No, I'm not talking about the people who were supposedly offended by Starbucks "Take the Christ Out Of Christmas" Coffee. Oh, and I say "supposedly" because there were like 5 Twitter posts before the media storm rained down upon them like a swarm of liberal-outrage-fueled harpies and the trolls came out from under their bridges.

I'm talking about everyone who decided to come out and "speak the truth" about the apparently vexing problem of Christmas coffee cups at a 100:1 ratio. I have never seen one genuine post on any of my social media outlets about someone being offended at the Starbucks cup, but what I do see is hundreds of you drowning in moral superiority over something that a handful of nutterbutters allegedly cared about.

So you know what? I'm going the opposite direction- I think the cups should have been a little more festive. I think if Starbucks is going to advertise a special "holiday cup" they should have at least exerted a modicum of effort to decorate it. I think the red cup is a cop out to not pay a graphic designer and call it political correctness. Also, they are ugly.

There's my unpopular opinion. Rev up those keyboards. Make sure to link to my blog in your thinkpiece. Can I get my venti free advertising with an extra shot of espresso, please?

There you have it, a list of 4 things that shouldn't exist. If you disagree with anything on this list, you are wrong.

Source Cited

"The Derm Review." (2015) Devonne by Demi. Retrieved 11/13/2015 from-

http://www.thedermreview.com/devonne-by-demi/