What's up Asshat,

I've composed a list of things that I wish upon you, and they're harsh and cruel. These things are things that I wouldn't wish upon my worst of enemies, not even that Starbuck's barista who always screws up my order, not even him. You fall into a whole other category of hate. You surpass Starbucks barista. Congratulations, I'm actually a pretty nice person, making you worthy of every single bit of torture I wish upon you. What are these things I wish upon you you might ask?

1. I hope you get a unsatisfiable craving for Chick-fil-A on a Sunday.

2. I hope you go home with a 10, but then find out that she's a two.

3. I hope that two's original reaction to said hookup is, "Is that it?"

4. I hope you get put in a class with no curve, no extra credit and an attendance policy.

5. With clicker points.

6. And a sign in sheet, biotch.

7. I hope your Uber driver charges you an ungodly amount, and his car smells like moldy month old leftovers.

8. I hope that you get to Chipotle right as they run out of guacamole.

9. I hope that you get food poisoning off of pizza, and you're never able to eat it again.

10. I hope that you continuously get spammed by game invites on Facebook.

11. I hope that you only have one bar of super, insanely slow WI-FI for the rest of your life.

12. I hope that you get down to your last bite of Burrito, and it's nothing but a huge glob of sour cream.

13. I hope that you wear clothes that resemble the Jersey Shore cast every time you go out .

14. And everyone makes fun of you for it.

15. I hope that alcohol shoots out of your nose at the bar.

16. I hope that you forget your Netflix Password for the rest of your life.

17. I hope that you develop a predisposition to always hit "reply all" on group emails.

18. I hope that you always think you've found a close parking spot to your destination, and then discover there's a tiny car in them.

19. I hope that you gag on an extremely sharp french fry.

20. Or better yet, an ice cube, so you have to just sit there and wait for it to melt.

21. I hope that you never match with anyone on Tinder ever again.

Most of all, I hope that you realize that you lost one of the greatest people in this entire world. She's a saint, and I dare you to try to find someone as phenomenal as she is. You can go dip your toes in a blender now.

Sincerely,

Her Best Friend.