Days on end I have struggled with my self-worth, but not only that but respecting myself through the daily choices I make. The way a person views themselves is pertinent more so than the common bystander, friend, or possibly a family member. Over time my respect for myself and my choices have dropped, turning me into what I never imagined to become. My vision was so clouded that when it cleared, I did not even recognize who I was anymore. Not only that but some of my close friends from high school did not even know who I became. Change is good if you allow it to treat you well or you can take the change and manipulate it into something that you wish to change back. Is it too late to change what has already been done? The answer is yes and no because you will have to own up to your choices but in the long run, it will make you feel better and lead you to a happier life. I have shamed myself all semester and as of December 14, 2016, I am done feeling bad about who I am. I finally realized that I deserve better in life than to keep myself around people who were so toxic. As of today and from my article I Have Conquered The Unconquerable, I wish to give hope to the fallen and broken like I once was because I have been there before. I may not be fully recovered but lending a hand through words is just as powerful.
To put yourself back on the right path, know your self-worth and I am not talking about the “Oh well I know I am beautiful, nothing can harm me.” I mean the literal what are your values? Have you lived up to your expectations? Would the hero you look up to or your dream job, are you living to that maximum potential? Are you being true to who you are and avoiding relations with toxic people? My start to the college experience started out rough from graduating from my dream high school and not even noticing that I was really graduating. Not only that but I got out of a relationship a week before college courses began. I was so attached to high school that I hadn’t realized that I truly was away from my classmates till the first day of classes began.
Devastation hit hard and I shut myself off from making friends, which was wrong because I did not give anyone a chance. Everyone deserves a chance, no matter who they are. Once I started accepting I was going to see my friends from high school a lot less, I tried to put myself back out there. Putting myself out there was hard, you could tell I was off my game for anyone who knew me personally. After trial and error of finding where I belonged, I started to give up and started settling for less. Accepting people who did not like me for who I was but who I pretended to be. Basically, I threw my self-worth under a vehicle driving by and did not even bother to look at the license plate.
Losing self-worth is only the first step, self-respect soon followed in its path. Once I started surrounding myself with intoxicating people, I started making choices about my style, demeanor, and overall outlook on life. I started to hang out and talk to guys who did everything in their power to make me feel bad. Treated me with zero respect and held power over me that normally no one is allowed to hold over me. My self-esteem lowered and my values went out with it. I no longer felt like I was worth much than what I was told, being dumb and sensitive. Eventually, I listened to my friends in my math class who we call ourselves Finite Squad to ditch those friends and start knowing my worth again. If it wasn’t for my friends, I would be stuck in the same situation; however, I was seeking help to put my life back where it was before college.
Before college, I was always labeled the strong one, no one could harm me. I was that person who anyone could talk to because it seemed like my life was set right the majority of the time. My bright attitude and leadership positions I held gave easy access for people to contact me, but I will never forget the time when my two best friends contacted me. Both friends did self-harm, one who cut themselves and the other who did physical damage by punching walls or hitting their heads against the wall. I was devastated when they told me, but I was there for them until the end when we went for professional help. When I stooped to my low in the fall semester with depression, they returned the favor every step of the way but my self-harm was different.
Self-harm to me was punishing myself even further than I was because I thought I deserved it. Continuing to go to those people who lowered my worth and losing respect for myself by daily choices I made. Self-harm for others can even be taking pills, drugs, alcohol, or mixing drugs and alcohol together. The harm comes in many forms and styles, but if you have never seen it before, can be hard to notice. Some people look completely fine on the outside, but they can be hurting on the inside. Sometimes it takes the extra mile to really know what is going on in a friend’s life or someone who needs a friend.
Overall, I want my readers to understand that everyone is going through a battle that sometimes they alone cannot fight alone. Do not force yourself on them, but be ready for when they ask you for help. The three major ideals that I will always remember is that I am worth something and who I am today affects my tomorrow, but I will not lose the respect of myself in the process for depression and unhappiness follows in pursuit. Harming myself in depression even more, does not solve my issues, but only causes the issues to continuously bite my butt down the road. I am done with surrounding myself with people who belittle me and do not support decisions that I wish to make to become more involved. I am the outgoing person that I will uphold myself to be and you should too. Don’t let others drag you down! You are strong and don’t be friends with people unsupportive of what you want to do in life because anything you set your mind to is achievable.
