I can’t even remember the last time we spoke about how and why things went wrong between us.

All I remember is that whenever we tried, it always ended with me apologizing for all of the pain that you caused. Talking to you just does that to me; it intimidates me.

It silences me.

And because of that, I’ve never had the courage to sit down and tell you just how devastating our relationship was for my mental health. That being said, if one day you find yourself wandering through my social media, forced by curiosity to see how I’ve been, this is what I want you to know:

1. It wasn’t me; it was you.

For too long, I accepted all of the blame for our relationship problems in a desperate attempt to make you happy. It was almost like a game with you: each day, you would find a new conflict to flourish as I scrambled to find ways to fix them. Maybe you enjoyed watching my unraveling anxiety; it probably made you feel powerful to know that my sanity sat in the palm of your hand. But only after years of being free from that abuse, I am able to see the clear manipulation. I’ll admit, I was emotionally vulnerable and certainly naïve during the time that we attempted dating. But if anything, our struggles stemmed from your own cold-heartedness and not from my inability to be a caring partner.

2. You taught me so much about myself.

Out of everything that happened over the course of our time together, I can only clearly remember how much you bullied me. My personality, my family, my school involvement, my job… you tore into every aspect of who I was as a person and left me scrambling to change my identity. Thankfully, coming away from that crisis has helped me to find joy in the things that make me, me: my deep passions, my work ethic, my playfulness, and even my crazy antics. What’s more, is that I finally understand how the most important people in my life will also love me for those things. Someone who loves me for everything that I am will never have a reason to change me.

3. I genuinely do not miss you.

There’s a feeling that you get in the pit of your stomach when you hear or see something that hurts you deeply – a feeling that I use to get after seeing your name or face in the months following our breakup. Thankfully, these past few years have been incredibly healing for me – so much so, that you no longer inspire that Earth-shattering twist in my gut. Not only have I been able to rejoin the friends and family whom you constantly kept me from seeing, but I’ve also found a new partner who’s so gentle and so kindhearted, that past heartache is nothing more than a fading memory. My life is so much better without you.

4. I’m still recovering from how you treated me.

Although my life has improved drastically ever since I put an end to our toxic cycle, I’m now just beginning to fully comprehend the long-term effect that you’ve had on me. From overwhelming insecurities to deeply rooted trust issues, dealing with the lingering psychological damage has been tiring, to say the least. To you, our relationship required neither thought nor investment; I was nothing more than an option that you could take or leave on any given day. Yet somehow, I’m the one who’s struggling through therapy to navigate the mess that you left behind.

5. I still wish you the best.

Although I can’t say I’ve come to forgive you, I do hope that things change in your future. I have high hopes that one day, you’ll find the perfect partner who inspires you to change your bitter ways. After all, regardless of how jaded or noncommittal you like you to make yourself out to be, no one deserves to feel as unloved or as worthless as I did. It messes with your mind and body; it destroys you. And I don’t want you to have the power to destroy anyone ever again.