“So how many miles did you run today? Like a million?,” I was asked between training for a marathon last November and then a 50k in April. Even though the question was hyperbolic, it did seem like I was running relatively a million miles, which makes my current weekly mileage of zero even more frustrating. Non-runners can’t relate to this specific struggle, but this is not just about running. I am talking about a passion, which those who have one, know the word I associate with running: essential. At least it used to be essential. Since my race in April I’ve stopped running due to recurring injuries, and as a result I’ve lost my love for running. I now ask myself: Is my passion lost forever, or am I just temporarily burnt out?
Even before I was a “runner,” I had been playing a sport every season since I was 5-years-old, so running was still a daily activity for me. Working out and running were constant sources of stress release and satisfaction. I found out senior year of high school that running long distance could give me a more intense endorphin high, and that is how my passion originated. When I’m passionate about something I can usually attribute a few key moments to the solidification of that passion. With running that is the feeling I get when I’m nearing the finish line or when I complete a long training run. Are those moments enough to keep me going in the long term? When I think about my other passions, such as writing, I can remember moments like seeing my byline in my high school newspaper or finally seeing a good grade on a college English essay. I’ve had my doubts about writing as something that I want to do forever, but I’ve never completely fallen out of love with writing because I can only get better by doing it more. Unfortunately, the same does not apply to running. I’m learning that the more I run, the worse my body gets.
I knew I was obsessed with running when I called my mom when I was injured during training for the marathon. She couldn’t understand why I was crying hysterically and saying that I have to run. She might not have comprehended the running part, but even she can relate to that one thing we have to do. Whether it’s climbing the highest mountain or planning every minute of the day, there is a part of our lives that is vital and does not make logical sense to others.
Apart from the physical pain I feel when I try to run now, I also do not get the same enjoyment out of it anymore. I feel like I have writer’s block in my legs that prohibits me from running the way I could. The worst part is that I still can do every other form of exercise, but when I leave the gym or pool I feel dissatisfied. The week culminates and I feel like something is missing because I have gone from running 30-40 miles a week to zero in a month. Although it’s hard to give up your passion, it’s even harder to regain that passion when it is lost. Similar to someone who works their entire life to get to their dream job only to realize it isn’t what they want, I am wondering why I have fallen in love with and put so much effort into something that only repays me with injuries.
Contrary to my belief, after I called my mom in tears that night, I’m still alive without running. People ask me why I run if it hurts me and I don’t have a direct answer. I do love the idea of running, but I need to figure out if I still have a passion for the activity itself. I hope that my running career is not over, but that I have just reached another obstacle that has yet to be overcome.
