Ahh, retail. While retail can be amazing and therapeutic when it's at your disposal as a customer, it can also be very dreadful and taxing as an employee. I have grown to value my job in the retail industry, but I've also found that I dislike a lot about the infrastructure of great corporate America. Even though my position as a sales associate has enabled me to grow as a person and acquire many useful skills, I resent it about 78 percent of the time. If you and I are in the same boat here, you may be able to relate with some of these common retail worker habits and musings.
1. That plastered-on smile. As soon as you put your name badge lanyard around your neck, you also don a grin that's sure to fool countless customers into thinking that you actually give a shit about the fact that they can't find a size eight in those Ralph Lauren heels.
2. The fake voice that does a 7-octave jump when a customer approaches. You inherently transpose your normal speaking voice, as if a shrill tone will make you sound more genuine. As soon as said customer walks away, your voice's normalcy returns so you can go replay the scene to your coworker.
3. You're already three minutes late because you hit all the red lights on the way and you know Julie's working today which means you are definitely going to get yelled at and then you finally pull into the parking lot, only to get stuck behind someone that's driving two miles per hour, almost like he/she is trying to smite you...#relatable.
4. You've just seamlessly completed a return transaction, even though the woman's receipt was five months old, and then SWEET MOTHER OF GOD, WHAT COLOR IS THAT STAIN? AHH, MY HANDS WILL NEVER BE CLEAN AGAIN.
5. When you just spent 10 minutes recovering a rack of sports bras and then a customer stares you right in the eyeballs while she ruins everything you just did... Dear god, what abhorrent thing did I do to deserve this?
6. When you're dealing with a crippling secret hangover that's not that much of a secret, and you have to throw up in the fitting room supply closet trash can... I've never personally experienced that, I've just heard that it's happened to someone somewhere...
7. Standing around in the break room with all of your fellow employees, plotting the demise of those customers who inconsiderately stay 15 minutes past closing time.
8. "Okay, so I'm going to try on 72 pieces of clothing! Sorry, I just kept finding things! LOL!" and then two hours later..."Only these two tank tops worked. Have a good day!!"
9. That awful feeling in the pit of your stomach when a customer approaches your register with a cart full of glass and ceramic items. So much wrapping is about to commence, and you're not happy about it.
10. The familiar faces of the quirky regular customers. There's the real estate agent from across the street who has a helium voice and comes in during every lunch break, and there's that couple who always puts their toy poodle in the cart while shopping.
11. Knowing every single note and riff in every song on the constantly looping playlist that will drum on in your head for the rest of your damn life.
12. When you're super ready for the holiday season but you realize you can't get too excited because of the many tears you'll shed and the many nights you'll close the store so late that the inside of Arby's is dark as you drive by on your way home.
13. We. know. you're. stealing. You're practically famous; everyone is talking about you on the headsets.
14. Yes, everything that's out on the floor is all we have, and no, I will not go look in the back for you.
15. Asking "Did you find everything okay today?" even though they're only buying a single pair of socks.
16. Getting to the end of the credit card application, only for the customer to realize after you put in their social security number that they were, in fact, signing up to be in debt to your company for the rest of their lives.
17. "Oh, there's a half-empty Starbucks caramel macchiato in the shoe department by the wedges! That's exactly where I would have put that also!"
18. If you are not Bonnie Hunt or Steve Martin, I don't think your 12 children are cute. Please restrain them and don't look the other way when your little Oliver shatters a nail polish all over the white-tiled floor.
19. I'm only asking you about your daughter's wedding or your upcoming vacation because my boss is standing right there.
20. "I have seven eGiftcards and three different in-store credits...hold on, I know the line is 10 people long, but let me look through my itty, bitty, messy wallet to find all of them."
