Breastfeeding is a controversial topic in the world of social media. From posts shaming mothers for breastfeeding in general to arguments about if a mother should cover herself while breastfeeding in public. Every person has an opinion on the subject. People just seem to like to talk about boobs and if babies drink milk from them or not.

When I was pregnant, I remember being given lots of information about breastfeeding. They even offered a class on how to breastfeed and what to do if you begin to have problems. I always assumed I would breastfeed. My mother breastfed all of her children and it just seemed like what I would do. I thought it would be easy. They talk like it is the easiest thing in the world, like our bodies should just automatically know what to do and how to do it. That is a load of crap right there. Breastfeeding is a lot of work, especially in the beginning. But the lactation activists, or lactivists, will tell you to push through it all because it is what is best for your baby. “Breast is best” is a saying that is commonly used on the internet to encourage breastfeeding and help normalize it. I commend the effort, it felt good to breastfeed in public with people to back me up. But the saying is often taken a little too far. Lactivists often take the saying and use it to shame formula feeding mothers without seeming like they are shaming anyone. “It’s all about what is best for the baby” is something I and several friends have been told when it comes to breastfeeding vs. formula feeding.

Let me state this here before anyone goes into the comments and says “BUT SCEINCE SAYS!!!” Shh. Just shh. I know what science says. Science says that in an ideal world and in third world countries, breastmilk is the perfect food for infants. But in the USA and in developed countries, formula is an amazing option in feeding an infant. Formula and breastmilk are both perfect ways to feed an infant.

Moving on to the point of this whole thing. There is so much more than nutrition when considering what is best for an infant and for a mother. Maternal mental health, infant weight loss or failure to gain weight, jaundice, maternal work, illness of either the infant or the mother, medications that aren’t safe, food intolerances, or infant food allergies. That is just a short list of reasons why a woman might choose to not breastfeed. But the lactivists that take “breast is best” to the extreme do not believe that these are reasons to not breastfeed. After talking to several people, I found that the shaming of mothers who cannot or choose not to breastfeed was far worse than I had previously imagined.

Personally, my son had formula via a tube before I even got to hold him. He was admitted into the NICU the moment he was born via emergency c-section. I had an incredibly supportive lactation consultant who encouraged me to pump when I could if I wanted to pursue breastfeeding but that she would give me some help with drying up if I did not. Online though, I was told by multiple people that I never should have let my child have formula. I was told formula was poison and that my son was never going to recover from the traumatic birth if I did not start breastfeeding soon. This is not what I needed to read while worrying about if my son was going to need surgery or if he would even get to go home with me. This was just the start of the worry I would have while on my breastfeeding journey. I was told to nurse more when my son was not gaining weight in the first few weeks of life even though he was already eating every 2-1/2 hours and getting an ounce or two from a bottle after every feeding. My days were consumed with feeding him, I barely had time to rest. Then I was told that I just needed to try harder when I was not pumping enough. These were quite tame considering the other things woman have gone through. I spoke to various woman across the internet to hear their stories of the shame and belittling they felt due to lactivists preaching “Breast is best.”

Some stories were as simple as the problems the women faced causing incredible amounts of stress on their lives.

“When I was pregnant I got breast is best all the time and formula is bad and evil poison. So with that mindset I pushed myself and pressured myself in to nursing and I pumped and pumped for my daughter so she'll have enough milk when I go back to work. I got some formula samples in the mail and would think of using those sometimes but I kept telling myself that formula is bad and instead kept pumping and nursing. Then finally my boyfriend saw how sad and stressful I was when I wasn't pumping enough milk anymore and suggested we use formula to supplement and at first I was mad at him then I realized that it was for the best. Next time around idk if I'll breastfeed."

- Thomasina O

“I had PPD and developed a nursing aversion. 'Breast is best' made me feel like I had to push through nursing even though I hated every second of it (and honestly started to hate my baby). I switched to formula at 6 months and am heart-broken that my mentality of 'breast is best' prevented me from enjoying those early months with my baby. I get teary when I see photos of her at 2, 3, 4 months old because all I remember from that time was how much I hated nursing her and how miserable everything felt."

- Briana H.

“I cried when I had to supplement. I mean CRIED. I was absolutely devastated. I felt like a failure. I wasn't enjoying my time with my child…I realized I'd been so hung up on breastfeeding and being a failure that I had failed to enjoy my child.”

- Lauren F.

“Breast is best was a huge trigger for me while i battled PPD/PPA. I knew- I KNEW- that formula was not the evil entity I was thinking it was but I could not let myself give my kid formula. It wasn't until he was like ten months that I was able to supplement without breaking down and thinking I was the worst mom in the whole world ever.”

- Eileen D.

“I had PPD and suffer from anxiety. Because of "breast is best", I spent agonizing hours over ounces and supplements and tea and fluid and healthy fats, because I thought formula was bad. I look back now and realize that I lost out on months of my babies life.”

- Kayla H

Several women I talked to had medications they needed to take but could not, avoided medical care, or struggled to get the care they needed due to breastfeeding. But still were told that breast is best, above all else.

“I couldn't because I was on medication… I needed medication to make sure my autoimmune diseases didn't start being active. So my choices were to breastfeed or run the risk of becoming so sick I couldn't take care of myself and my child.”

- Quinn S.

“I breastfed 3 kids: first time because I was forced to, second time because it seemed "normal" for lack of better terms and third because I wanted to. All went amazing with the first two. The third... I almost died. Literally. When my son was 5 months old I developed mastitis with atypical symptoms. I went to my ob/gyn he said I was "fine”, I went to my pcp she said I was "fine" I hurt… Not long after finding out my body was falling into sepsis. I had double mastitis. Mastitis so bad that I had 16 rounds of vancomycin, 4 sessions of aspirations, before a surgeon even felt comfortable with putting me through an EMERGENCY surgery to save my life.”

- Brittney R.

“I delayed getting medication for my anxiety and ppd because I was afraid I'd have to stop breastfeeding because I had been told by so many people that formula was poison or the easy way out.”

- Katie W.

“When my oldest was 5 days old I was in a massive amount of pain and needed to go to the emergency room to get help, but dragged it out because a) I couldn't bring a newborn to that cess pool germ central and b) I wouldn't be able to breastfeed him and who knows how long I'd be gone? Eventually the pain became excruciating to the point where I couldn't even hold him, so I gave in and went- allowing him to be supplemented while I was away. But my thinking breast is best caused me to delay my much needed care.”

- Ashley P.

Several women talked about being pushed into breastfeeding by someone else. Be it a family member, a friend, a doctor, or even a stranger.

“I personally didn't deal with any breast is best issues but my stepmother did with her first child. She was being told time and time again that breast is best. She struggled for months to produce enough to feed my sister. And because everyone was screaming at her to breastfeed, she ignored her body. She was up constantly nursing. Not getting any sleep. Her child wasn't getting enough to gain weight.”

- Devon W.

“My husband was the one sucked into breast is best initially. He pushed my entire pregnancy saying "you're gonna breast feed. It’s the best. It will make our daughter smarter." eventually I agreed and got sucked. I felt shame and sadness soon after having her because of ppd and my husband constantly pushing for me to breastfeed while she screamed at my boob and projectile vomited everywhere. I felt such guilt mixed with relief when I switched to formula because I thought I should be giving her what was best but I suddenly felt HAPPY with my baby and she's only been causing me stress. I stop at 5 weeks because of my ppd and still feel guilt occasionally (she's now three) because I don't know maybe I didn't try hard enough.”

- Holly P.

“I was verbally attacked when my baby was 7 weeks old because some old lady in a store had to tell me I was poisoning my child and that breast is best. I was too shy to breastfeed in public so I had pumped a bottle.”

-Megan M.

“I didn't want to breastfeed and was forced to see a lactation consultant anyways.”

- Kiraa E.

The issues go beyond those of just the mother. Several stories I was told involved health risks to the infants themselves.

“I was given zero info on supplementing and my son lost 11oz in just a few days, making him too sleepy to nurse and delaying my milk coming in.”

- Jaimee V.

“1 1/2 days after being discharged from the hospital, we were readmitted for severe jaundice. The pediatrician wanted me to stop nursing during treatment so they could monitor her intake - she needed fluids to flush the bilirubin. Severe, untreated jaundice can cause brain damage and I DID NOT want that. So I followed the doctor's orders, but women on the breastfeeding FB group were militant and told me to defy the doctor.Later, I had supply problems and had to supplement. Again, breastfeeding fB group berated me and others in my position for this. I sobbed. I felt like a failure. I felt like I wasn't suited to be a mother - because a bunch of women on FB kept pushing breast is best.”

- Jennifer W.

“Breast is best sets this mindset of failure for those who choose not to breast feed or those who can't. It seemed like everywhere I turned, I failed. From the hospital when my baby wouldn't latch to the jaundice from my breast milk not flushing his system to the formula cans that I never asked for showing up at my door. Even those cans remind you that breast is best. No matter how hard I tried, breast was not best for me or my baby.”

- Melissa C.

“My son has a genetic disorder called Bruton syndrome. I forced myself to remove a majority of aluminum from my diet and fit all his needs with this warped theory that somehow my breastmilk was best. I regret not switching to formula. So much anxiety would be saved.”

- Rebekah G.

“Because of "breast is best", I breast fed my babe even though she would scream and poop blood. I did it because her pediatrician pushed me to do it because "breast is best." She was a preemie, so she needed breastmilk. "Just cut out the dairy." She has a severe dairy allergy, and I couldn't cut out enough. I continued torturing her and myself because "breast is best." She was also labeled as failure to thrive.”

- Hannah C.

One that was hard for me to read was a young woman being treated differently due to her wishes of not wanting to breastfeed.

“When I was 19, I had my first child. The nurse asked me if I wanted to try to latch my newborn son, I said "no, I'm formula feeding " right away her personality with me changed. I was all alone.”

-Rome W.

My intent with this article is not to say we should not encourage breastfeeding. I believe every woman and man should feel empowered and proud of the choices they make with their children. What I want to see is a change in the support of mothers and fathers. Be it in how they feed their baby or how they parent their baby. Being a parent is stressful enough without people chiming in at every opportunity. It does not matter how you feed your baby as long as your baby is being fed, is happy and is relatively healthy. Breastmilk from the source, pumped milk, donor milk, or formula. Any of them are perfect ways to feed your baby and no one but you can decide what is best for your family. Fed is always best.

At the end of the day, they will be eating a cheerio they found on the floor under the couch when they are a toddler and we will all still be pulling our hair out and worrying about if we are good parents.