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Health and Wellness

Relapse Vs. Recovery

It works if you work it and you're worth it.

Marisa Clark

Apr 26, 2016

SUNY Buffalo State

Marisa Clark

Disclaimer: This article may be triggering to some readers.

“How are you doing?” is such a complicated question for me to answer. I can’t say I’m doing badly, because I’m not. Physically, my body is healthy and weight restored. I can think more clearly, and I have the tools I need to cope. I’m so happy that I am no longer living a secret life and I have met so many amazing people throughout treatment. But I cannot say that I’m doing well either.

I still despise the way my body looks in clothes or when I accidentally spot myself in the mirror when running from the shower to my bed. I still feel awful when I remember that I have food inside me. I still compare myself to every woman, man, child, doll, dog that I see. I still cry sometimes because the urges to use are taking over my entire being, and sometimes, they win.

I’m restricting, but I’m eating a hell of a lot more in amount and variety than I was before. THIS IS RECOVERY. I’m floating through life (or to me it feels more like walking through we cement) trying to figure out what I’m doing. Am I in recovery? Or am I in relapse? I don’t know. These are some things I’m learning while in this awkward, uncomfortable, and frustrating stage in my recovery.

Recovery is crying into your food. Recovery is forcing yourself to do things that make you uncomfortable. Recovery is trying new things. Recovery is learning who you are without our disorder. Recovery is painful, dreadful and sometimes does not seem worth it. Recovery is life!

I've learned that I can’t have a life until I’m well, but I can’t start to get well until I have a life. I get impatient sometimes. I just want to be “normal” already, but I can’t be normal until I start to move on from the self-destruction. I want to be able to eat drunken pizza on a Friday night without freaking out afterwards, but I will not be able to do that until I stop scrolling through hours of eating disorder blogs.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

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The Best Lines from the Fab Four

And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make

The sun is up, the sky is blue, it's beautiful and so are you

Love is old, love is new, love is all, love is you

There's nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be

Life is very short, and there's no time for fussing and fighting, my friend

He say, "I know you, you know me", One thing I can tell you is you got to be free

Oh please, say to me, You'll let me be your man. And please say to me, You'll let me hold your hand

It was twenty years ago today, Sgt. Pepper taught the band to play. They've been going in and out of style, but they're guaranteed to raise a smile

Living is easy with eyes closed, misunderstanding all you see

Can you hear me? When it rains and shine, it's just a state of mind

Little darling, it's been long cold lonely winter. Little darling, it feels like years since it' s been here. Here comes the sun, Here comes the sun, and I say it's alright

We danced through the night and we held each other tight, and before too long I fell in love with her. Now, I'll never dance with another when I saw her standing there

I love you, I love you, I love you, that's all I want to say

You say you want a revolution. Well you know, we all want to change the world

All the lonely people, where do they all come from. All the lonely people, where do they all belong

Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends

Hey Jude, don't make it bad. Take a sad song and make it better

Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away. Now it looks as though they're here to stay. Oh, I believe in yesterday

And when the brokenhearted people, living in the world agree, there will be an answer, let it be.

And anytime you feel the pain, Hey Jude, refrain. Don't carry the world upon your shoulders

I'll give you all I got to give if you say you'll love me too. I may not have a lot to give but what I got I'll give to you. I don't care too much for money. Money can't buy me love

All you need is love, love is all you need

Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

Blackbird singing in the dead of night, Take these broken wings and learn to fly. All your life, You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Though I know I'll never lose affection, for people and things that went before. I know I'll often stop and think about them. In my life, I love you more

Obviously the best superpower.

There have been many lessons learned.

1. The importance of traditions.

2. How to be thankful for family and friends.

3. How to give back.

4. What the word "community" really means.

5. That it isn't about the destination, but the journey.

6. The consequences of making bad choices.

7. To trust people, until you have a reason not to.

8. To be welcoming and accepting of everyone.

9. How to be my own, individual person.

10. How to work for what I want.

11. How to be great at giving directions.

12. How to be humble.

13. To be well-rounded.

14. How to be great at conflict resolution.

15. The beauty of getting outside and exploring.

16. To be prepared for anything.

17. That you don't always have to do it alone.

18. How to be creative.

19. To brush off gossip.

I have never been so thankful to know you.

Dealing with the inevitable realities of college life.

Don't freak out

Email the professor

Attend the first class

Keep attending class

Have a backup plan

Remember that everything works out at the end

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