I was 13. A hole and a rock in a dirt field stopped my lower leg in its tracks. Momentum had different plans for my kneecap. Physical therapy brought me back up to speed but as I continued to play, the severity and proximity of patellar dislocations increased. I’d heal, get cleared to train, dislocate and repeat. Eventually, I got so used to it I would put my own kneecap back in place. There were two major surgeries. I gained the nickname “Knees” because of the full leg brace I was constantly wearing. The injuries persisted and left the pity, others’ help, and the laziness to become my new normal. Eventually I was exploiting it all. Of course, that's not a character flaw, I didn't choose this. It's not me, it’s my leg; it's not my choice, it's my doctor’s orders.

That's what psychology calls the attribution bias. Anything negative about myself is attributed to outside causes while the good is attributed to me personally. The formula is the exact opposite for anyone else. I always get the benefit of the doubt, you never do. I began to rely on the attribution bias. I don't know when specifically the change took place, but I went from a recovery warrior to an apathetic, complacent excuse factory. I became a quitter.

You see, now that pain and pity were my new normal, physical ability and strength became the unknown. Who would ever decide not to rehabilitate? It didn't bother me anymore, I knew how to accommodate the injury. How many people constantly think about starting a new gym routine but never actually do it? It's the same thing. The desired result takes effort and requires a catalyst. It’s so much easier to do nothing than to do something and everyone else was making the excuses for me. Without the necessary work, I continued to get hurt. The problem snowballed until I started quitting in other domains as well. It’s toxic. At a certain point, it became blurry. I became so used to quitting just when things got difficult that I no longer knew what I was truly capable of.

I began to accept lower grades, bail on friends, and even left high school early. It was just easier to leave than stay, so off I went. I’ve always hated chemistry so I changed my major from biology to psychology. I took minimum credit semesters in an easy major. Things weren’t working out when I tried to study abroad in France, so I didn’t go. I haven’t had a job since I lost my last one in July of 2015. I knew I wasn’t supposed to be with my ex-boyfriend but it was easier to ignore the problems. I knew I believed in my faith but I didn’t want to put the work in to make my life match. Sometimes I think I may have dropped my grad school acceptance because I’m so used to not doing anything.

This couldn’t continue on forever and about a year ago, 7 years into my quitting habit I became so disgusted with myself that something had to change. I called a spade a spade; I called myself a quitter and decided that was unacceptable. I started to put the work in. I saw the results. I put myself in situations to rise to the occasion. Constantly demanding more from myself. This past year I have been consistently surprised by what I'm actually capable of. I’m in the right place but it’s solely by the grace of God that I’ve made it here. So much has changed in my life for the better, especially on the mental health front. To sustain the delusion I had to constantly lie to myself and suffocate the truth. If we can't be honest with ourselves, how can we expect to be honest with anyone in this world?

Making changes for the better is only possible after recognizing what it is we need to change. When you realize something negative about yourself, all you can do is take the present opportunity and change going forward. Each moment and every following opportunity we have to choose that change. If I lighten up on myself or relax, I backslide. Eventually, achieving will become my new normal again. I'm making it, but eventually, I won't have to fight through every training session, every assignment to make sure I perform to my full abilities. I'm still waiting for the day when it becomes automatic. But for now, I have a lot of work to do and a lot of life to catch up on. Gotta keep keeping on. One step at a time, setting my sights higher and higher with each one.