Change. A word that scares most of us, and thrills a selected few. A word that for me scared me to my core. The fear of the unknown, not knowing when, or why or how has been something holding me back. It took a push from someone else because I admit I wasn't strong enough to push myself fully, for me to turn the page. I've always been capable of admitting my wrongs, and my flaws but never capable of taking action against them. I accept my flaws and the things that truly make me who I am. However, we all can agree that sometimes certain flaws we have are not healthy ones. In an effort to push myself further, I've decided to publicly admit my flaws. In the hopes that I can inspire some of you or maybe all of you, to turn the page you know you've been staring at for far too long. I've gone back and forth wondering and questioning whether putting it all out there for you all to see (or in this case read) would be beneficial. For a moment I felt like it would give people the go ahead to pick me apart. But then I thought to myself, "But what if it doesn't?"
Admitting your faults is not an easy thing to do. Trust me, I know. But admitting them to myself has been the most liberating feeling I've ever felt. Because in doing so, I've accepted the person that I am. I've also been able to take note of the person I want to be. I am not a perfect person. Nor will I ever try to be. I only strive to be a better version of myself. With that being said, I will no longer postpone what I told myself needed to be done to help me move forward. The only way I know how to be open and honest with myself, is to write it all down and allow the world to read it. As a writer, my aim is to influence others to not only write but to voice their thoughts, and opinions. As writers, we write what we know, and what we go through. And this is what I'm going through.
1. I'm always on the defense. Constructive or not, I am always defensive about any criticism I get. Ironic right? As writers, we are supposed to be able to deal with criticism. Believe me, when it comes to my writing I can. But when it comes to myself, that's a different story. I've built my walls up so high for reasons that no longer matter to me that I haven't knocked them down. It took someone so special to me to climb over them, and tell me about the beautiful view I'd been missing all this time. Well, no more. I want to enjoy the view. I do not blame others for my continued defensiveness, and I take complete ownership for dragging out such a negative behavior.
2. There's always something to argue about. This is probably one of my biggest flaws. I'm a Type A personality, so I like things how I like them. I create arguments where there shouldn't be any, and that is a huge problem. I can't control the things that set me off, but I can control whether I react to them or not. I don't like arguing; it's exhausting and only leaves me with a headache. However, in me choosing to react, I'm choosing to argue. I grew up around people who arguing was and is their only form of communication. When that is all you see growing up, you think it's the only form of communication there is. But it's not, and I know that. I may have been influenced by my environment, but I do not and will not be a product of it. I need to focus on the bigger picture, and the bigger picture is that not everything needs to be argued about.
3. My "I don't really care" attitude when I actually care very deeply. This one's a tough one. I guess you can say this goes hand in hand with my defensiveness. When all I was told was what I was doing wrong, and why my efforts weren't enough I decided that I had had enough. I was just going to go about my business, and everyone else could deal with it. Obviously, that's not the way it really is. I care so much about so much that I hurt myself, and I hurt others when I act like I don't. It's hard to allow myself to care, and allow others to see that I care about what they have to say. Our society has influenced a lot of us to not care what everyone else thinks and to just "do you" but I tried that. Unless you're close to perfect, you can't just "do you" when doing you is hurting those around you. It's cool to care. It's not cool to act like you don't.
4. My inability to try to understand others. We live in a world where we are all fighting to be understood, and we forget to try and understand each other. All we focus on is ourselves, and "Why won't anyone just listen to me?" When in reality, a lot of the answers we're searching for lie within other people. If we would just listen to other people, instead of trying to get everyone else to hear us, we would live in a much better world. I don't always try to understand others. I let my emotions get the best of me, and I only focus on how I'm feeling. There have been instances where I don't lack this ability, but it is less than I would like to admit. I'm trying to change the things I can that will ultimately help me be a better person.
These are just four things of what I believe, and perhaps those of you who know me personally believe, to be true. I accept that I may be diluted and perfectly flawed, but I choose to live my life with passion and not by law. My flaws do not and will not confine me to be more. Instead, they inspire me to be more. As I begin my journey to be a better me, I hope I have inspired some of you, hopefully, all of you who read this to be a better you. I am here to remind you that if you think you have nothing to change or improve on, you do. I am also here to remind you that if you do think you have things to change or improve, there is still more work to be done. Life is not about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself. Reflect the things you desire the most, mirror the things you admire the most, and become the things you respect the most. My journey has not been easy, and it won't be. It has been equal parts beautiful, and equal parts a struggle.
I'm a piece of art that will always in progress; we all are.
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