There is something both scary, and fascinating, about being aware of your emotions and the actions as a result of them. Before going into specifics of what it feels like to be aware of my thoughts and actions, I must tell you that this article is triggering.

I can’t stress that enough right now. I will be discussing previous things I’ve done, or have thought about doing. If you’re currently struggling or recovering, and feel like you will not be able to make it through this article, I apologize, and wish you the best of luck on your journey. If you believe you can make it through this article, then by all means, read on and learn a bit about me – don’t be afraid to stop, though, if you feel it’s becoming difficult to read.

Psychological mindedness, at least according to Wikipedia, refers to someone’s ability for “self-examination, self-reflection, introspection and personal insight.” The article goes into more detail about how one's ability can be put onto a scale of highs and lows of being mindful, but that’s for another discussion at another time.

The reason I’m discussing psychological mindedness, or awareness, is because last week while visiting with my therapist, he proceeded to tell me how surprised he was at how aware of my psychological state I seemed to be. After sitting there, processing what he said, I immediately told him how weird that was because it made sense. There were so many light bulbs in my head going off that for the rest of our hour together, I told him examples of how I had been aware of my mental state.

I’m not going to go into an extreme length of the examples I gave, but I will discuss one of them. When the light went off in my head about being aware of my mental state, the first thing I thought of was how I had acted during one of the lowest times of my life – when I suffered from extreme disordered eating.

To put a lot of it into short sentences – I had been losing weight for a year and doing a solid job at it, then before starting my junior year of college, I went down a dark path. I began to exercise after every meal. I cut my meals in half continuously and would only eat roughly two meals a day. On top of all of that, I knew perfectly well what I was doing. I knew the possible consequences of going down that road, that I could eventually develop an eating disorder or worse. I didn’t care, though. All that mattered to me was getting to my goal weight. I knew that to get there in a healthier fashion would be the best route – that I wouldn’t suffer more in the long run both physically and mentally. I couldn’t help myself, though. I needed to be at my goal weight, and I needed to be there ASAP.

I was completely aware. When I would do something like purge or restrict, I knew the consequences of my actions. I was aware of this lingering sadness that followed me around, and I knew I was depressed, but I never addressed any of it because the only thing that mattered was my goal weight.

I’ve since begun getting help for both my depression and my ongoing battle with wanting to lose weight in not-so-healthy ways. The more I talk to my therapist, the more lights go off in my head and I can piece so much together. Having total self-awareness is one of my goals, and to be healthy is the next. However, for the amount of awareness I currently have, there’s also this large burden that follows. Being aware of my actions, my thoughts, and my emotions, it’s very confusing at times and can cause me anxiety. I’m able to understand them, but the process of caring about what effect they’ll have on me is something I struggle with and am hoping to fix.

Since taking therapy, I’ve also begun to accept that it’s okay to not be okay. That sounds cheesy, right? Well, it’s the truth. When I was very sick, I tried my best to make it seem like I was okay, that I didn’t need help because I knew, or at least thought, that I wasn’t going down as dark a path I thought I was. However, it is okay to admit that there’s something wrong – to address this sudden self-awareness you have and how it could be causing you pain both physically and mentally. Knowing you need help, and getting it, is a big step – one that may seem difficult, but will have lifelong, positive benefits. I know it sounds cheesy, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel – you and I both know it. It’s just about taking those steps to get there.