It is such a hassle to be a woman.

My worth is not in a number, or a pant size, or how good my highlight looks.

For example, I hate how the standards of beauty are so excruciatingly high that we have to punish ourselves with negative thoughts about what God has given us. I have a body that can move perfectly and it is in pretty good health and I’m worried about what my face looks like? And if I’m gonna look good in a crop top this summer?

What?

For some odd reason, I was given the idea that my worth is in my weight, my looks, and my performance.

I remember being in the fifth grade. I think I was 10 or 11 in the fifth grade. That’s how young I was whenever I figured out that I could be bigger or smaller than someone else.

I was sick for a good two weeks or so. Vomiting profusely, no appetite, just skin and bones. I think I weighed about 90 pounds. I went back to school after losing a ton of weight, around 15 or 20 pounds, and I remember being asked by this one girl how I did it. This girl who was probably 10 years old, as well. She wanted to know how to get skinny, quick.

I remember her only because she said this. I saw her randomly throughout middle school and high school. I always remembered her because of how obsessed she was with her weight because anytime we spoke she mentioned weight loss or something of the sort. I went to her house one time, and her mother commented on her weight more than a few times.

In middle school, I was a part of this forum online. I don’t know what the exact website was, but it was some type of weight loss, diet or exercise program. This woman who was dark skinned and really fit with long brown hair ran the forum. I thought it would have been cool to be that fit, like she was. I think I was twelve. I would ask her questions, including my age and my activity level, about how I could get smaller calves. She responded to every single message that I sent. I don’t know why I’m so offended thinking about this right now but I realize that if a twelve year old asked me advice on how to lose weight, I would wonder what is wrong with this little kid's influences that she thinks she needs to change.

I was also obsessed with celebrities at such a young age. My mom liked them, too. She always bought those magazines with the controversial cover stories. They always had pictures of celebrities in their bathing suits, with perfectly norma, healthy bodies, and they would rip them to shreds. I know this now, and I refuse to buy those magazines in protest. Those companies are disgusting.

I enjoyed programs like Disney Channel or ABC Family. For some reason, they always had such perfect looking teenagers on the television shows. I aspired to look like them. I would literally ask Google how much a certain celebrity weighed. I was probably thirteen or fourteen. Trying to see if I weighed the same as Miley Cyrus, like the Internet accurately knew her weight. I was a gullible preteen. No one ever told me it wasn’t normal to obsess like that.

Look up any of those celebrities from Disney Channel and an article will show up about how they have body dysmorphia or have an eating disorder.

I remember the exact day, the exact hour and my exact outfit the first time someone commented on my body in a negative way. I gained a good amount of weight, and I knew it. I don’t really know why this person thought I didn’t know it. I was 16 years old and my body was developing from a young girls body into a woman’s. I wish someone would have warned me about that before it happened. Unfortunately, I figured it out the hard way.

I restricted my foods, exercised excessively and got buff as hell for a 16-year-old girl. Nothing really helped, though. I would still see someone different in the mirror. I wore more makeup. I dyed my hair. I tried to distract from my body, because I couldn’t really control what was going on with it. I couldn’t lose any of the weight no matter how severely I would restrict my foods. So I stopped, or so I thought.

I got asked to go out for milkshakes once, and I said no, because I can’t drink those.

It hit me honestly only about two weeks ago, that I can drink milkshakes, but the calories in milkshakes terrify me. I got a milkshake after having that thought. I’m still alive and I didn't gain 10 pounds.

Once upon a time, I was the queen of fad diets. Let me remind people that may not struggle with these issues and simply don’t know, fad diets do not work. I would lose 10 pounds and gain back 15. My metabolism was damaged because I wouldn’t properly nourish my body, and it is still recovering now.

There were some days where I didn’t eat at all. I couldn’t do that for long, though. I’m a foodie. There were some days where I would binge eat. Some days where I would only eat low calorie food, drink zero calorie sodas, and restrict myself to only one bad food a day. It was a never-ending cycle of disorder. This is something I’m going to have to deal with for the rest of my life. This is also something I see on a weekly basis, especially in college. I notice more disorder in a girl’s diet than I ever thought could exist.

I think letting your friends in on the secret isn’t easy, either. It’s like a competition, between girls, all of the time. Who can be prettier, or skinnier, or who can get the most guys at the party. You can’t really be open about how you feel toward your looks without looking vain or like you’re fishing for a compliment.

I think I have a pretty good radar on when someone is just trying to fish for a compliment. It’s pretty depressing to say that because of where I am in my head, with my past of disordered eating, that there are more girls that struggle with eating and self-esteem than you could ever imagine. The majority of the women I’ve met in college have restricted their foods, or cut their intake on food back to save room for the calories in alcohol, or had a boyfriend that called them fat. It’s disgusting, how much we rely on our looks to get us by in this world. We all care so much about what others think.

Nowadays, my problems are easier to deal with because I’m at that growing point in my life where I’m realizing that I don’t need to be this certain type of perfect person to be liked. I have smaller goals now that are more realistic. I notice more qualities about myself that I’m genuinely proud of and none of them include how well I can contour my face. I catch people with a witty mind instead of a pushup bra. I appreciate being called smart and witty over hearing my body looks good or my hair looks good I even used to have a problem with what the people I was hanging out with or dating looked like. I wanted to have this "aesthetic" life but it wasn't happening. Turns out, I appreciate brains more than I appreciate a guy that can lift. Sometimes looks and brains don't happen quite often together and I actually believe I'm pretty blessed to not have that shallowness inside me to care so much about what the man I'm with looks like or what my friends look like.

We have one body. I have one body, and I have abused it for the past couple of years. Too much coffee to suppress my appetite, too much fast food, alcohol, vyvanse during finals week with the “bonus” that I’ll lose a few pounds. Anything that shouldn’t be inside your body is pretty obvious. We know this, too. We are told everyday to not abuse our bodies, by doctors, by school administrators, by our parents, and we don’t listen. We are a product of the media because it's constantly telling us that we have to look better.

We are told to eat less, and most of us do that. We are told to exercise, and we’ll do it because we want to look good. We will consume 130 calorie shakes to replace meals because the media makes food look scary. We aren’t striving to be healthier. We are striving to look good. It's all over the place, on instagram and twitter and even health channels on cable.

You know that stupid tea celebrities keep endorsing for weight loss? Well, welcome to product placement. That tea literally makes you shit your pants. Save your money because it won't turn you into Kylie Jenner.

I hope God did not put me on this earth because he thought I would simply be a pretty face. This is not something I would wish on anyone. To wake up and not have a negative thought would be a good day. I have a good day now if I make sure to get enough water in, because I forgot the simple basic needs of my body. My body needs food and needs activity. My body also needs to be respected and nourished.

I feel like I talk about this quite a bit, but I feel like I'm one of the few stubborn people in the world that won't shut up until people get it. I don't ever want my little sister looking in the mirror and thinking she has to turn the temple she was given into a vapid, vain object that she could use and abuse for the wrong reasons. I want more women and young girls know that it's totally fine to want to feel cute, and to feel good about yourself, but it starts from the inside out.