The week I decided I wanted to share my story was the very same week my philosophy professor asked the class to question the meaning of vagueness... Which was the same week I had two tests in two separate classes... Which was the same week I was looking for a place to sublease for Maymester...
As my priorities spun out of control, I became too focused on my story and what made me the person I am that I was forgetting to eat, shower and sleep. I was stuck on this rollercoaster of emotions that kept questioning my past and hindered my abilities to move on from my mistakes. Who was I? That simple, yet powerful question began to spin right round inside as I began to question my past values, my current beliefs, and my future goals.
Long story way too short, I had a mental breakdown. I felt as though my whole life had been one big lie that I created and so I felt trapped like a fly in a spider web. When I panicked, I did what every other college student does when they are about to collapse: I called my mom. She came to pick me up and stayed in a hotel room with me to figure out what was going on.
That hotel room was where my voice came out. I had finally found it again but because of my lack of sleep, I was manic. My racing thoughts that were once part of my normal routine came out loud and proud and I couldn't stop. After that episode, I slept and when I awoke, my voice was gone but this time, the silence was so haunting that when I asked my mom to take me to SSC she reluctantly agreed. Once inside The Well, I tried to grasp what little amount of reality I thought I had, but I couldn't hold on. That's when the cops got involved. They took me to the hospital to be evaluated and so began my two-month vacation, unplugged from everything that I thought had created me into the person I am today.
When I think about what I was saying and what I was trying to decode in the hotel room, I want to scream and yell, "I am right! I'm not crazy!" but the society I grew up in pressures me to be silent and ignores my cry for help. Up until this point, I never felt like I had a choice to say no because consent is downplayed in our society. Young girls are first taught that sex is a forbidden topic that shouldn't be discussed. Then in the early teenage years, media takes over and consumes their minds with the idea that sex is the gateway to womanhood. There's then a disconnect between the years of late teens to early adulthood that leaves some wondering, "Well what about me? What about now?"
Unfortunately for us, we live in a society that praises men for their sexual activity, yet pressures women to either submit or wait. Either option forces us into two categories: prudes and sluts. There is no in-between. Being so young in an adult world, I constantly felt pressured to do things I was never quite ready to do and I know there are others who have felt the same. Some are lost and others confused as to what's morally right vs. morally wrong and to be perfectly frank, they are just seeking some guidance as to what they should hold true to themselves.
How can we expect to respect others if we can't even respect ourselves? Self-love is the first step in accepting what made you who you are. This world is going to try and knock you off your path, but you must recognize the need of your own self-love in order to thrive.
So where do you fall in all this? Some of you may know me as Kate; the hypocrite that sings in a praise band at church, and others may know me as Kate; the slut that will steal your boyfriend away, yet only a few know me as Kate; the real me. I have always been an observer in this world and have always acted on impulse, but now, this time is different. I am going to fight and fight until I win because for once in my life I am grasping reality with both hands. So go ahead - ask me anything you want - I'm the one waiting on you.
