THE TIME IS HERE LADIES! Nothing is safe from being pumpkinized! So, hide your kids, hide your wives…this is about to get real. Wonder why that line at Starbucks is extra-long this month? Pumpkins. Wonder why your nose is so stuffed up from the scents of fall? Pumpkins. Wonder why the only food you can find to eat is more orange than usual? Pumpkins. Wonder why Charlie Brown was so cool? Because he had a great pumpkin. Who would have thought that an orange squash could cause the world to enter into such a frenzy?

I mean, why not make an abundance of unnecessary pumpkin flavored things? Pumpkin Pringles? Yeah, they go perfectly with my pumpkin turkey sandwich. Pumpkin bacon? A perfect side dish for my pumpkin omelet. Pumpkin peanut butter? Only because nothing else would go with pumpkin jelly. Pumpkin dog treats? I mean if I like pumpkin, pshhhh then of course my dog does too!

Mom always told me I would be a princess when I grew up, and since Cinderella rode in a freaking pumpkin carriage, then EUREAKA the proof is in the pudding, I must ingest, smell, see, and hear everything pumpkin to be as pretty and cool as her! I mean girls, we’re already all princesses, but if you want your ticket to true royalty, then your answer is to jump on the pumpkin bandwagon like every other living soul.

Let’s be real here, isn’t it true your fall ensemble isn’t complete unless you have a Pumpkin Spice Latte in your hand? Ladies, the riding boots can only complete the look so much. If your room doesn’t smell like pumpkins then it must not really be fall. In fact, I’m sorry to say, but your house might not even be up to proper living code. Evacuate. A-SNAPS. If you don’t have a photo-shoot with a pumpkin at some point this season, then your life is pretty much hopeless and you should go hide in your little pumpkin-less parallel universe where there is probably nothing to look forward to. Sorry to be a Jackass-o’lantern, but I’m just trying to prepare you for the crazy pumpkin game that is about to ensue.

Fall is in the air, and men, that doesn’t just mean Halloween and Thanksgiving. It means your male species is about to undergo a challenging test, so here’s a little piece of advice for you. Flowers might be a nice gesture, but all she really wants is a pumpkin muffin, or candle, or maybe even for you to try a new pumpkin cologne. But unless you can make pumpkins rain from the sky, no matter what gesture you make, well, you simply aren’t trying hard enough. A good boyfriend is well equipped for the pumpkin apocalypse and will know how to handle this seasonal epidemic, so if you are new to this, please consult an experienced pumpkin psychologist. They are there to help you.

The pumpkin apocalypse is well on its way to being in full blown effect, so please prepare wisely and most importantly DO NOT PANIC! Pumpkins are for everyone, this orange autumn squash just wants to be your friend.