There are a lot of people struggling with anxiety everywhere around you.
Too many people don't understand how it feels to have anxiety, or what it means. I've had so many people tell me that my anxiety isn't real, or it's not actually anxiety. I've also had people tell me that I can't be diagnosed and take medicine for anxiety when it's just something I make up in my head. Anxiety isn't easy to deal with at all - it never has been, and never will be. Anxiety is more than just a "fear" made up in my head. Anxiety is a part of who I am, but it does not define me or who I am as a whole. If you're reading this, maybe you have anxiety as well and you can relate to what I'm about to say. Maybe you're trying to understand anxiety more, or maybe you're just reading this to see what I can say about something you don't believe in.
Whatever your reasoning, please take what I'm about to say into deep consideration and replay it in your mind. Anxiety lives within so many of us, and sometimes the people around us can't even see or understand how we are feeling.
You feel "scared."
It's not even the actual feeling of fear. It's something completely mixed up with several emotions, and the only word you can describe it with is fear. It's a fear that is completely different from when you're on a roller-coaster, or you're jumping off a pier. No, it's nothing like those fears. Everyone has their worst fears, right? You've heard so many people tell you that they're afraid of spiders, guns, knives, drowning, heights, etc. What about the fear of loud noises? What about the fear of walking at night, and thinking that you hear another pair of footsteps following you, but really you're walking alone and it's simply the sound of your own footsteps. What about the fear of ordering at a restaurant because you're afraid that you'll stutter, or even mess up your order? What about the fear of presenting publicly in school because you're afraid your topic won't reach the level of intelligence of your peers, and you'll either be laughed at, or just humiliated?
You're not as independent as you thought.
It comes in waves, and that's completely okay. It can be very stressful, and you wish it never happened to you in the first place. One day you're walking the halls at school, your head held high, confidence soaring through your body. You're not paying attention to your surroundings and what people think of you, and you're living your life the way you want without worrying. In a split second, you're on the school stairs struggling to stop shaking. You're crying and the tears feel as if the flood gates from your mind have just opened, and they're never going to shut. You can't stand up -- no, if you stand up, you will fall down the stairs or just crumble like your mother did when she found out that you didn't want to be alive anymore. Your knees are wobbling, your arms are shaking, and your mind can't find one simple thought to calm itself down. You're scattered, your body and your mind - you're lost.
People scare you.
Everyone calls you anti-social, but you want to socialize as much as the next person. How can you socialize when the only thing you can think about is the fact that your palms are so sweaty from thinking of what word you'll say next? How can you socialize with anyone when all you hear is the laughing from people behind you, and you think they're laughing at you? They don't even know your name, and yet you always feel as if they're talking about you. How can you socialize when you're in the cafeteria and it's been 20 minutes, and you haven't touched a single item on your tray? How can you socialize when the thought of speaking one syllable out loud to someone who isn't you makes you shake with fear? They call you anti-social, but they'll never understand what goes through your mind.
Please don't tell me that my anxiety is not real.
If my anxiety was not real, the millions of gears shifting in my mind, turning my once content state to a body shaking with the fear of rejection, would not be there.
There are so many people telling me that this isn't anxiety. They say this is just another version of fear, but does fear affect your body this badly? Does it affect you to the point that you are physically and emotionally sick, and are not able to move, or even get up? My stomach contracts in waves of large oceans, to the point at which I'm throwing up because I am so anxious at the thought of going outside. Everyone says that staying in bed is a big sign of depression, but is it not a sign of anxiety, as well? Have you ever felt anxious about getting out of bed and having to face the real world, and deal with life one more day? Have you ever been scared to move a single limb in your body outside of your house, thinking that once you do, everyone will be watching you? You can't escape the anxious feeling that awaits your mind, and travels down your spine - that goes all throughout your body. It's as if anxiety itself was your heart, pumping the fear into every small cell in your body, and carrying it throughout every which way.
Do not tell me that my anxiety is not real.
If my anxiety was not real, I would not feel this way every single day of my life. I could be able to eat in public without having to check my surroundings first - making sure I'm in a dark enough corner where no one can watch me eat. I could walk through school halls without thinking someone's small snicker from looking at their friend's phone is a picture of me. I would be able to live a happy life and be worry free from all of this. My anxiety is a pool of never ending panicking thoughts, swirling to the end of destruction.
