I have always known that the person whom I owe the biggest apology to is myself. I suppose others may have been crueler but really, who knows my mind better than myself? Who knows better where to launch an attack than I?
Perhaps that's where we all must begin — begin by apologizing to ourselves for the wrong we've done unto our own bodies and our own hearts and minds as if they are canvases that can easily be painted and remade. If you want to be remade, forgive yourself before any others because that is where the damage begins. You will always be the worst to yourself. If humans have such a long history of hurting others, imagine what the books don't say. Imagine the hurt done unto ourselves over time — it is amazing we have survived.
We must decide upon a cease-fire. We must stop attacking ourselves because we are the easiest thing to punch. If you sleep every night next to the person you love and it's restless sleep, don't you think it's time to change something? Who do you sleep with more than your lover? Yourself. When the person next to you isn't there, who are you left with? Yourself.
Stop attacking. You are using old bullets to reopen old wounds. Is your arsenal really that well equipped? Or is it simply that you've done unto yourself far worse than what others could possibly do, and this is a game of one-up? War is not all bullets and gunfire and punches. War begins and continues with words and negotiations and war ends with words and negotiations. Stop fighting a war against yourself. Stop shooting bullets at the places you know will bleed the most.
To whom do you owe an apology? Yourself.