I’m a gray area.

One thing I love about growing up is that you find out more about yourself rapidly. Very rapidly. You experience a LOT in a short amount of time. And if you choose to pay attention, you will discover things about yourself you would have never expected. I have been lucky enough to be naturally introspective, but lately I’ve received an overload of information, as a result of having to make quick, instinctual decisions, driven by passion mostly. The most prevalent discovery is that I don’t believe I’m inherently a good or bad person at this point in my life.

I used to believe people were naturally good or bad. Pure hearted or not. I blame fairytales for this idea. I think I missed a large grayscale. One that I fall into. On a surface level it is very easy to judge people as good or bad, and if you get too close this is possible as well. If someone hurts you just right you can become blinded to all their goodness, oppositely, it’s common to only notice a person’s good qualities and explain away their flaws. You have to see someone in just the right light, at just the right angle, to see them as they truly are. You have to do that with yourself to.

I first started to look at where I might actually fall on the scale after looking at who I socialize with, which changed a lot. I had gone from an unhealthy relationship to a healthy one recently, and had stopped hanging out with people from high school almost entirely. While the way I feel in my relationship is much better and healthier, I still make many of the same mistakes I used to. I’m still insecure. I’m still flawed. This is important to realize because no matter how good a relationship may be, I’m still the same person and cannot expect another human to fix problems I have to work through on my own. I’ve recently thrown myself completely into work. I work full time at a restaurant, and if I’m not there I’m definitely working on a new writing project, or other project for a family member or friend I’ve committed to helping with. I’d like to say I do this because of ambition, passion, or a desire to be kind. But that isn’t entirely true. I partially do it so that I have an excuse for not being more social. I do it because it’s distracting from things I’m very stressed about. I do it because if I’m busy I’m less likely to stay in bed and be depressed. I do it because people assume that if you’re busy things are going well. I have selfish reasons for doing what I do. I know many people do. My reasons aren’t hurting anyone and certainly aren’t evil. But it isn’t something I think about all the time, I say yes or no almost immediately without considering my motivation, and maybe I should.

I consider myself to be in the gray area because I tend to have selfish motivations. I’m a strong person but I still let my past control me more than i’d like to admit. I make decisions too quickly, I will fight things that scare me instead of facing them. I still bend to the side of my brain that only exists to drag me down, and I know better. I know I’m not a bad person. I’ve met bad people, I haven’t sunk that low. I’ve met truly good people, and i’m not quite that either. I’m existing somewhere in the gray area, striving to be a better version of myself. But you can’t get grow if you don’t acknowledge that you need to. I grew up in a society where it really isn’t that difficult to call yourself a good person. I think it should be. That should be a goal we all reach a little higher for. I’m going to work on myself, and I challenge anyone reading this to do the same if you feel like you may be in the gray area of your own moral beliefs.