For the longest time I’ve always relied on my writing to be the outlet to my true inner feelings. I’ve never been able to express all my feelings simply by talking but the words just poured out of me when you gave me a pencil and paper. However, since making some of my writing public, I’ve had to draw a line between what I publish and what should never be seen by anyone else. I try to post things I’m passionate about and things that make me happy but lately I’ve been feeling a misconnection with myself. I’ve had a bad case of writer's block for like 2 weeks now and all of my work has been coming from my head rather than my heart. Now here I am at 2:26 AM staring at my ceiling just thinking and thinking when it hit me.
Rewind a couple of hours…
I’m sitting at my desk, looking at myself crying in the mirror. I’m listening to my usual Pandora station that I always turn on when I’m feeling down and I start doing mindless activities to pull myself out of it. I start randomly messaging my friends, not to talk about my problems but just to have someone on the other line who could maybe bring a smile to my face. No responses so I just start doodling in my notebook; words, pictures, quotes, whatever can get me away from my emotions. I give up, move to my bed and turn off my phone. I’m emotionally drained but I can’t bare to shut my eyes.
After hours of thinking, a positive thought found its way into my head. Inspiration hit me for the first time in weeks and I immediately turned on my laptop.
I’m a teenage girl and I’m not perfect but I am happy. Lately I haven’t been, I haven’t felt myself and I’ve been feeling alone. When I’m around the ones who care about me, I’m the most bubbly, perky, laughable person ever. I’m possibly the poster child for having an infectiously positive attitude. It's just when I spend alone time with myself is when my inner monsters start eating away at me.
Who cares that I’m a mess on the inside because I've come to accept it. Maybe I’m not always fully understood but I don’t care anymore because I’m happy. I’m not perfect, not by a long shot, but I’ve learned to change what you can and adapt to what you can’t. I’ve learned that some things never get better but I’ve also learned how strong I really am. I’ve learned to carry on no matter how ugly the situation gets. I’ve learned to find the positive side of life. I’ve learned to see the world not how it is but how I believe it should be. A world where everyone is accepted and tears are not a sign of weakness. A world where everyone feels as if they belong and pain is a distant memory. A world where we are all loved, where we are not seen as a mess but as a masterpiece. A world where we have more hope than fear and more laughter than pain. A world that does not exist but keeping that place alive in my mind has made all the difference.
Maybe some of us will never be fully okay, but at least we’re here. At least we’re still trying, at least we’re doing the best we can and that’s worth celebrating. If you’re reading this, that means you made it to today and I’m so very proud of you for that. I hope you soon find peace with your inner monsters and happiness fills your heart. A good first step is staring them straight in the eye and calling them by name.
3:48 AM 1 unread message…
“Be stronger than the voices in your head. I love you and all your monsters.”
A simple message that I don't get all that often but this one made all the difference for me in this moment.
I realize that I'm not understood in this world, but I also realize that I’ve been blessed with 1 or 2 friends who truly know my uphill battle. To not walk alone is a blessing given to the one who wanders in the world of the lost and forgotten. Suddenly my heart and head are once again connected. The outlet to my soul has been reconnected. Finally, it’s now 4:07 AM and I have made peace with my inner monsters.
