This is a tough one to talk about, folks.

It's personal. It's nerve-wracking. And to be honest, it's a little scary.

And it's a little different from most experiences with loss that you are more familiar with...

It's different because I was there. I was there when Max died.

I found him...I checked for the pulse...I heard no heart beat...I called for help...and that was the last time I saw him...when I found him.

When Max passed away, that sequence ran through my head every night. I was afraid to fall asleep fearing that it might happen all over again, either in my dreams or in real life. They stopped after awhile, the flashbacks. I still deal with some PTSD from that night, waking up and making sure those sleeping around me are still breathing... It used to be a lot worse. The night that Max died, he had this HUGE sneeze that was a little alarming, mainly because it was so stinkin' loud, but after that night whenever I heard someone sneeze at all, my whole body would go rigid. I would stare at the person or wait to hear if someone was not okay.

Last Wednesday, I had a flashback...a very intense and very vivid flashback that led to me having a full on panic attack. I hadn't experienced one like that in a long time, probably since last fall in the laundry room.

This one was worse...

I was lying on the couch when all of the sudden I became very aware of my own pulse. It started to get a little fast. I started to tell myself to just take deep breaths and to relax my muscles.

Then I couldn't breathe. I became insanely aware of my own heartbeat that it caused that flashback. I couldn't stop shaking. I was sobbing uncontrollably and I just kept repeating the sequence of that horrifying night. It felt like my body and the world around me was starting to collapse. My body felt so heavy. My face was soaked and salty. My roommate, bless her soul, came to me, called Public Safety on campus and just stayed with me. She gently talked to me, telling me everything was going to be okay, we are here in this space right now. An officer came to the door and asked what could be helpful and I just asked him to sit with me. And he did. He would gently ask a question sometimes, but would never press me to answer. He let me stutter and sob, and he was just present.

But then even more support came into our apartment. My friend who works for Public Safety was with me all of the sudden. She was the one who answered the phone when I called the night Max died. She was the one who stayed on the phone with me until someone got there. Every time I see her, I feel so grateful to her.

When I started to calm down, I could tell that my body and mind was ready to start settling. I started making jokes like, "Well, that escalated quickly" or when the officer left he said to call anytime as he would be on campus all night so naturally I replied, "I'll be here all week" like a comedian who is actually successfully funny. My roommate brought me a cold washcloth, my friend made me some yummy tea. I was in good hands.

I wanted to share this because of the reason I started writing for the Odyssey in the first place: share the experience of young loss of a loved one so others in similar circumstances know they are not alone.

I know that the phrase "you are not alone" has kind of become cliche'd but when people our age lose someone else our age, I think most of us only feel alone. We can't imagine one of our peers going through what we just experienced. Adults can try to help, but really what we need is to find a community. A community that can actually shed some light on young loss.

The flashback was scary. I felt the whole experience all over again. I felt the punch in the gut again. I felt weak again. I felt the loss again.

But I also felt the love again. I felt supported by those around me. I felt safe. My body still felt physically weak, but my mentality was starting to clear and come back to the present moment.

I share this because they will happen. Attacks like that will just hit you. I know this is a frightening thought, but let them happen. It's your mind and your heart telling you that you need to feel that grief again and take time to honor that person and the love you felt for them. Something that was suggested to me a while ago, was to have some sort of list of helpful things to give to another person when you are having a flashback or panic attack. Admittedly, I did not have one, but when the officer asked me what would help, I knew immediately to ask for a cold glass of water and something cold for my neck.

People will help you with your pain. Don't be afraid to ask for help, don't be afraid to accept help. And most importantly, don't be afraid to need help. We can't do this all on our own. I'm incredibly grateful that I don't have to. I hope whoever reads this never has to go through suffering alone.

Love and peace this week everyone. Love and peace.