Lately, I have been pondering the idea of time. The first thing I want to note is the passing of time. It baffles me how time can pass by so quickly or so slowly. I often find it is either one of the other and changes throughout the course of one day. Your morning could fly by, but then the afternoon drags along. If you're preoccupied, you blink and it's three hours later. I just think it is so crazy that time can have such an impact on you.
When I first went to school, I had such a difficult time with the idea of "down time." When I wasn't in class, working out, or at dance, I couldn't deal with time seemingly "standing still." I often would count how many more hours until it was time for bed and a new day to start. This is so saddening to think back on because I realize I was wishing time away. I know how precious life is so why was I wanting it to move faster? I had an ongoing battle in my head because I wanted to take advantage of the great amount of time I had, but the anxiety I would feel during these free times was unbearable that I would want it to go away.
It is honestly devastating that I was feeling this way. I speak so much about how I hate that time goes by so fast, so why am I wanting it to?
I never quite figured out the answer to this question. I just did the best that I could to work through these anxious feelings, wanting to soak in what I could with my life. I still struggle with this thought. Often times, I count down the hours of the work day or plan activities on my Sundays so I don't have to deal with these anxieties. I know this isn't necessarily a great solution, but I am still a work in progress.
Another thing that I think is interesting with time are time zones. In my recent trip to visit my boyfriend, we changed time zones. Collin lives in Chicago and they are an hour behind us. So does that mean that I went back in time? When we came home, did we go into the future?
Before the clocks knocked back an hour, my Fitbit notified me that I had reached my daily step goal. However, when we arrived at our hotel and I noticed that my clock aligned with Chicago time, I was disappointed to see that I was only at 8,000 steps. What happened to the 10,000 that I had just 2 hours ago? I went back in time I guess.
What about my cousins in California? They are 4 hours behind. Are they in the past? Or are they in the present but just at a different time? It is so crazy to think about and it honestly is something I ponder about so often. What about the days? What makes a day, a day? What makes it Saturday, Sunday or Monday? How am I in June one day but July the next?
I could go on and on about this topic. However, there quite honestly is no answer. The sooner I can be at peace with that, the sooner that I can be at peace with myself.
So where am I going from here? I guess since I have no answer or solution, my best bet is to be okay with not knowing. I still greatly struggle with the idea of time and this constant battle in my brain with wishing it to go faster, but regretting it after I do so.
I know life is precious. I know you only live once. So, I am doing my best to live in the moment. To live in my anxiety. There is no way to ease those emotions if I don't confront them. Life is good, bad, ugly, and beautiful. Living is experiencing all that it has to offer, whether you're happy or sad, anxious or calm. If you can relate to me, know we are in this together. This is an ongoing battle, but it's one worth fighting.
