They say you should fake it til you make it. I guess that applies for a lot of different things, so it's a pretty broad quote that everyone can use for different situations. To me, it's been my way of life for the past few years.

Although I seem like a burst of energy and confidence on social media (which is so easy to accomplish), in reality, I am actually incredibly insecure. Now, granted, everyone has insecurities. How deep they go and how many there are depend on the person, but for me, I'm insecure about basically anything you can name. I think it's more of being insecure about myself as a person rather than every individual thing.

I just find myself thinking "oh, I would so much more ____ if only I had ____ or if I lost ____ or if I did ____." After this almost always comes the same thought.

"Oh well."

This small phrase is almost always followed by something such as "I don't need that, my funny personality makes up for it," "I am so pretty and my makeup slays," "I am the baddest b**** I know" and so on an so forth. It's such a weird contradiction, a hypocrisy of fleeting thoughts. I'm not complaining though.

You see, this is how I "cope," more or less, with my bad feelings. By making myself out to be the coolest person I know, complimenting myself beyond comprehension even if I don't believe it, acting super over-confident (not out loud, though-- don't wanna seem egotistical), and forcing myself to believe that I am a worthy human being is how I can drown these thoughts of self loathing.

It doesn't actually ever go away, and these insecurities do continue to haunt me, but I can at least own them for a short term by shaking my head at them and saying "Nah, I'm good today. You can come back tomorrow though."

I like to think about it like the insecure thought is someone you're having an actual conversation with that you just need to go away. Here's a pretty decent example of my daily thought process.

"Hey Sierra, don't you sure feel like you need to lose some weight? You've been gaining some and look kinda gross."

"I mean, you're probably right, but I'm gonna need you to come back tomorrow, bad thought. I'm too busy being beautiful and cool. Thanks though."

I fake being confident and secure, which in turn has actually made me more confident for real, even though I do still struggle quite a bit. It's like every time I tell myself I'm a total badass, I become even more sure of that, even if it's not actually true. Until I can fully love who I am someday, I will continue to fake it until I make it

And, ya know, as Kanye West once said, believe in your flyness, conquer your shyness.