My biggest problem has always been putting too much faith in people too quickly, seeing everyone as a potential friend. When I do start to notice myself having not-so-great thoughts about someone, my mind goes into hyperdrive, fiercely trying to shut them down, or find a way to justify them. Or, worst of all, I look for reasons to blame myself.
No, no--it must be you. There's something wrong with you, not them. Why are you being like this?
So I tend not to realize when someone is actually hurting me.
And now, once again, I'm finding myself emotionally drained, full of frustration and resentment because my efforts to be what I thought you wanted--what I thought you needed--the best, most-caring friend I knew how to be, seem to have gone unnoticed.
I could find plenty of reasons to think highly of you people when we first met. I haven't forgotten those thoughts. They've just changed, and I don't see the point anymore in pretending they haven't. Because in my eyes you have changed. In a way, I feel betrayed. What happened to the people I first got to know? How do you not realize that you've destroyed the image I built of you in my head? Of course I understand people change. But too often, in my experience, "changing" is equivalent to not making as much of an effort.
And sure, maybe my efforts haven't been totally obvious. This is where I feel like I'm being a little unfair. But I've suffered. I've gone back and forth and back and forth with myself trying to figure out if it was okay for me to ask certain questions, to say certain things, and then watched you offer up that information to other people like it was nothing. I wanted to know because I cared--too much, clearly. But you made me feel like I shouldn't care. Time and time again I bit my tongue when I felt like I had important things to say--and why, to keep the peace? You certainly never apologized to me for disturbing my peace. I let things go that I was really not okay with. I stepped way out of my comfort zone and tried very hard to do something that is objectively difficult to do. I sat back and watched things that went against everything I stood for happen. I was careful not to act too entitled, to keep myself in check because I wanted to be liked, and didn't want to give you anything to use against me. And I wanted you to see that. But you couldn't. Maybe I can't fault any of you for that and this frustration I'm feeling is invalid. But it just feels a lot better than being sad. I'm just sos tired of that.
So no longer will I tag along with other friends like a stray puppy just to get to spend time with you, while wondering why you can't be bothered to invite me personally. Or wonder why you seem to treat me so unfairly. No longer will I make a conscious effort to change my opinion of any of you; it just isn't worth it. No longer will I put up with these constant feelings of inadequacy, of needing to try harder. No longer will I put up with words or actions that are damaging to me--whether or not they're directed at me. And most of all, no longer will I put up with the general unfairness of the whole situation. I don't see any reason left to try. I'm just...done.
You may like me. You may think of me as a good person. You may even think of me as a friend and be completely taken aback by this. But if there's no proof, if you're not showing me that you feel that way, then all of that becomes meaningless. You have to show that you care. And you've proven to me in many ways that you're incapable of doing that. I'm sick of being the one who always cares more about other people than they do about me.
So don't expect to see or hear from me much anymore. Consider me gone. It's time for me to move on, and live the life I want and deserve, with the people who make me feel good about myself. Enjoy yours.