An Open Letter To The "Friends" I Tried Too Hard For

An Open Letter To The "Friends" I Tried Too Hard For

Maybe I'm crazy. Who knows. But this is how I feel.
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My biggest problem has always been putting too much faith in people too quickly, seeing everyone as a potential friend. When I do start to notice myself having not-so-great thoughts about someone, my mind goes into hyperdrive, fiercely trying to shut them down, or find a way to justify them. Or, worst of all, I look for reasons to blame myself.

No, no--it must be you. There's something wrong with you, not them. Why are you being like this?

So I tend not to realize when someone is actually hurting me.

And now, once again, I'm finding myself emotionally drained, full of frustration and resentment because my efforts to be what I thought you wanted--what I thought you needed--the best, most-caring friend I knew how to be, seem to have gone unnoticed.

I could find plenty of reasons to think highly of you people when we first met. I haven't forgotten those thoughts. They've just changed, and I don't see the point anymore in pretending they haven't. Because in my eyes you have changed. In a way, I feel betrayed. What happened to the people I first got to know? How do you not realize that you've destroyed the image I built of you in my head? Of course I understand people change. But too often, in my experience, "changing" is equivalent to not making as much of an effort.

And sure, maybe my efforts haven't been totally obvious. This is where I feel like I'm being a little unfair. But I've suffered. I've gone back and forth and back and forth with myself trying to figure out if it was okay for me to ask certain questions, to say certain things, and then watched you offer up that information to other people like it was nothing. I wanted to know because I cared--too much, clearly. But you made me feel like I shouldn't care. Time and time again I bit my tongue when I felt like I had important things to say--and why, to keep the peace? You certainly never apologized to me for disturbing my peace. I let things go that I was really not okay with. I stepped way out of my comfort zone and tried very hard to do something that is objectively difficult to do. I sat back and watched things that went against everything I stood for happen. I was careful not to act too entitled, to keep myself in check because I wanted to be liked, and didn't want to give you anything to use against me. And I wanted you to see that. But you couldn't. Maybe I can't fault any of you for that and this frustration I'm feeling is invalid. But it just feels a lot better than being sad. I'm just sos tired of that.

So no longer will I tag along with other friends like a stray puppy just to get to spend time with you, while wondering why you can't be bothered to invite me personally. Or wonder why you seem to treat me so unfairly. No longer will I make a conscious effort to change my opinion of any of you; it just isn't worth it. No longer will I put up with these constant feelings of inadequacy, of needing to try harder. No longer will I put up with words or actions that are damaging to me--whether or not they're directed at me. And most of all, no longer will I put up with the general unfairness of the whole situation. I don't see any reason left to try. I'm just...done.

You may like me. You may think of me as a good person. You may even think of me as a friend and be completely taken aback by this. But if there's no proof, if you're not showing me that you feel that way, then all of that becomes meaningless. You have to show that you care. And you've proven to me in many ways that you're incapable of doing that. I'm sick of being the one who always cares more about other people than they do about me.

So don't expect to see or hear from me much anymore. Consider me gone. It's time for me to move on, and live the life I want and deserve, with the people who make me feel good about myself. Enjoy yours.

Cover Image Credit: Fable Feed

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10 Reasons Why My Mom Is My Hero

She's also my best friend.
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My mom is pretty darn special. And I'd be kidding myself to say that I tell her enough how much I appreciate her. There aren't enough breaths in the day to thank her for all that she has done for me, and all that she will do for me. So this is for my momma, these are just a few of the reasons why I think she's pretty great.

1. I can talk to her about anything.

I know for a fact that no matter the issue and no matter the story, my mom will listen to the entire thing with nothing but compassion in her heart. I don't ever need to wonder if she will judge me because I know for a fact that she never will.

2. She gives the best hugs.

I don't care if I saw her yesterday or if I've been away for three months; my mom will always hug me like she hasn't seen me in years, and there isn't a better feeling in the world.

3. I have never met a more selfless person.

She has such a heart for others and I am constantly blown away by her devotion and passion for serving those around her. If I (or anyone else) needs anything, my mom is the first one to jump up, drop everything, and run to help. If I have half as much generosity as my mom someday, I know that I would be making a huge difference.

4. I am inspired by her.

Always.

5. She cares so much for me.

I know that no matter how old I grow to be, and how mature I may become, my mom will always be there for me. She will always be waiting with open arms to either congratulate me or console me. I have never felt more loved by any other human than I do by my mom.

6. She loves me unconditionally.

I will never ever need to worry that she will stop loving me. No matter the circumstances, no matter the phase of life that I'm in, my mom will always be there for me, loving me every step of the way.

7. She is my number one cheerleader.

I don't think I will every meet another person more dedicated to my success and ready to celebrate my accomplishments than my mom. She is hands-down my biggest supporter and will always be standing at the finish line of whatever race I may be running. I could be crawling across that finish line and she'd still be cheering for me the whole way.

8. I can always count on her to point me in the right direction.

My mom will pray for me. She'll encourage me. She will lead by example and through the counseling that she is always ready to provide. I know that I can always count on her to push me in the direction of my dreams.

9. She has the best laugh.

I could pick my mom's laugh out of a crowd of hundreds. Her ability to laugh at herself (and at her own cheesy jokes) are part of what makes her so amazing. But the sound of my mom's laugh has the capability to make anyone's day, including mine.

10. I never stop learning from her.

See points 1-9.


Mom, you are such an amazing woman, and there is simply no way that I could put it into words. So I'll simply say thank you. Thank you for all that you do for me, day-in and day out. Thank you for loving me, and showing me what it means to live like Jesus and everything else that you do. I hope that one day my daughter might love me as much as I love you.

Love,

Me

Cover Image Credit: Ashley Burton

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To The Best Friend Who's 2000 Miles Away

A letter to the person now too many miles away.

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When I first confirmed my acceptance to the University of Minnesota, there were a lot of things to consider.

Not only was there the staggering cost of out-of-state tuition and the drastic change in weather from SoCal, but I was also about to be leaving pretty much the only place I'd ever known, and the only people I'd ever loved. Among them was my best friend.

You can know some people all your life, and they will not make a dent in the person you become. Yet, there are some people you can know for only a few years who can change the course of your destiny. That sounds cliché, but it's definitely true. And, now, 2000 miles away from the person who was my closest confidante, I realize how entirely dependent I was on you.

I'm here in a new place, with a new circle of friends that are quickly becoming another family to me. But, every day, there are times when I turn to talk to you, and once again realize that you aren't there. Once again, I realize that even though we always promised we'd never leave each other, I ended up leaving you and moving halfway across a country.

It's been difficult for both of us, I know. You keep reminding me of how much I miss you, and the calls and texts both help and hurt.

But, I want to say thank you.

This is the greatest test of our friendship yet, and, if we can both make it through, I feel as though we'll never grow apart, never fall away from one another. There's a question I ask myself over and over again, every day that I'm apart from you, every day when there's radio silence between the two of us: I keep asking myself how I'm supposed to live without the person I would live for.

I know I've always had to walk the line between living for myself and living for other people, but I'd like to know how I'm supposed to live when separated from someone who was so constant and unyielding in my life.

You were like a heartbeat: I knew you'd always be there, no matter where I was. Now, I turn corners and it's like I'm being followed by a ghost. It's a kind haunting, but a haunting nevertheless. I know we keep discussing options for seeing each other, but we both know I can't afford a plane ticket back just to be home for two days, and you can't afford to fly out here either.

I think in the end, what I'm trying to say, is that this letter is hopefully some kind of closure. Obviously, it can't be closure, since this friendship isn't ending. But, hopefully, it puts some of those ghosts to rest.

It's not that I don't want to see you and be reminded of you, but I just can't keep turning corners waiting for you to appear. Maybe sometime soon, I'll turn a corner and you will appear. And then we can laugh and carry on as though nothing has changed.

Because it hasn't; distance won't matter in the long run. It just matters so incredibly much right now.

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