An Open Letter To The "Friends" I Tried Too Hard For

An Open Letter To The "Friends" I Tried Too Hard For

Maybe I'm crazy. Who knows. But this is how I feel.
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My biggest problem has always been putting too much faith in people too quickly, seeing everyone as a potential friend. When I do start to notice myself having not-so-great thoughts about someone, my mind goes into hyperdrive, fiercely trying to shut them down, or find a way to justify them. Or, worst of all, I look for reasons to blame myself.

No, no--it must be you. There's something wrong with you, not them. Why are you being like this?

So I tend not to realize when someone is actually hurting me.

And now, once again, I'm finding myself emotionally drained, full of frustration and resentment because my efforts to be what I thought you wanted--what I thought you needed--the best, most-caring friend I knew how to be, seem to have gone unnoticed.

I could find plenty of reasons to think highly of you people when we first met. I haven't forgotten those thoughts. They've just changed, and I don't see the point anymore in pretending they haven't. Because in my eyes you have changed. In a way, I feel betrayed. What happened to the people I first got to know? How do you not realize that you've destroyed the image I built of you in my head? Of course I understand people change. But too often, in my experience, "changing" is equivalent to not making as much of an effort.

And sure, maybe my efforts haven't been totally obvious. This is where I feel like I'm being a little unfair. But I've suffered. I've gone back and forth and back and forth with myself trying to figure out if it was okay for me to ask certain questions, to say certain things, and then watched you offer up that information to other people like it was nothing. I wanted to know because I cared--too much, clearly. But you made me feel like I shouldn't care. Time and time again I bit my tongue when I felt like I had important things to say--and why, to keep the peace? You certainly never apologized to me for disturbing my peace. I let things go that I was really not okay with. I stepped way out of my comfort zone and tried very hard to do something that is objectively difficult to do. I sat back and watched things that went against everything I stood for happen. I was careful not to act too entitled, to keep myself in check because I wanted to be liked, and didn't want to give you anything to use against me. And I wanted you to see that. But you couldn't. Maybe I can't fault any of you for that and this frustration I'm feeling is invalid. But it just feels a lot better than being sad. I'm just sos tired of that.

So no longer will I tag along with other friends like a stray puppy just to get to spend time with you, while wondering why you can't be bothered to invite me personally. Or wonder why you seem to treat me so unfairly. No longer will I make a conscious effort to change my opinion of any of you; it just isn't worth it. No longer will I put up with these constant feelings of inadequacy, of needing to try harder. No longer will I put up with words or actions that are damaging to me--whether or not they're directed at me. And most of all, no longer will I put up with the general unfairness of the whole situation. I don't see any reason left to try. I'm just...done.

You may like me. You may think of me as a good person. You may even think of me as a friend and be completely taken aback by this. But if there's no proof, if you're not showing me that you feel that way, then all of that becomes meaningless. You have to show that you care. And you've proven to me in many ways that you're incapable of doing that. I'm sick of being the one who always cares more about other people than they do about me.

So don't expect to see or hear from me much anymore. Consider me gone. It's time for me to move on, and live the life I want and deserve, with the people who make me feel good about myself. Enjoy yours.

Cover Image Credit: Fable Feed

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10 Things Someone Who Grew Up In A Private School Knows

The 10 things that every private school-goer knows all too well.

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1. Uniforms

Plaid. The one thing that every private school-goer knows all too well. It was made into jumpers, skirts, shorts, scouts, hair ties, basically anything you could imagine, the school plaid was made into. You had many different options on what to wear on a normal day, but you always dreaded dress uniform day because of skirts and ballet flats. But it made waking up late for school a whole lot easier.

2. New people were a big deal

New people weren't a big thing. Maybe one or two a year to a grade, but after freshman year no one new really showed up, making the new kid a big deal.

3. You've been to school with most of your class since Kindergarten


Most of your graduating class has been together since Kindergarten, maybe even preschool, if your school has it. They've become part of your family, and you can honestly say you've grown up with your best friends.

4. You've had the same teachers over and over

Having the same teacher two or three years in a row isn't a real surprise. They know what you are capable of and push you to do your best.

5. Everyone knows everybody. Especially everyone's business.

Your graduating class doesn't exceed 150. You know everyone in your grade and most likely everyone in the high school. Because of this, gossip spreads like wildfire. So everyone knows what's going on 10 minutes after it happens.

6. Your hair color was a big deal

If it's not a natural hair color, then forget about it. No dyeing your hair hot pink or blue or you could expect a phone call to your parents saying you have to get rid of it ASAP.

7. Your school isn't like "Gossip Girl"

There is no eating off campus for lunch or casually using your cell phone in class. Teachers are more strict and you can't skip class or just walk right off of campus.

8. Sports are a big deal

Your school is the best of the best at most sports. The teams normally go to the state championships. The rest of the school that doesn't play sports attends the games to cheer on the teams.

9. Boys had to be clean-shaven, and hair had to be cut

If you came to school and your hair was not cut or your beard was not shaved, you were written up and made to go in the bathroom and shave or have the head of discipline cut your hair. Basically, if you know you're getting written up for hair, it's best just to check out and go get a hair cut.

10. Free dress days were like a fashion show

Wearing a school uniform every day can really drive you mad. That free dress day once a month is what you lived for. It was basically a fashion show for everyone, except for those upperclassmen who were over everything and just wore sweat pants.

Cover Image Credit: Authors Photos

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5 Times Your Depression Is Likely To Make You A Terrible Roommate

Mental health is the biggest factor sometimes into one's actions. Watching this happen to someone you love or even yourself can be depressing.

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Over the past few months, I've noticed that depression really sucks. Of course, everyone knows that. I didn't really realize that having serious depression would affect the people around me until my roommates and some friends started getting frustrated by my actions. Once I was confronted, I started seeing everything that I was doing, and it's truly awful and if I were in my roommate's shoes, I would be irritated as well.

1. When you stop acknowledging their presence

Whenever my roommates would come home, I don't even notice. I don't say hi and I don't even talk when they talk to me. I focus on what I'm doing. My energy is too gone to make idle conversation.

2. When you stop cleaning up after yourself

I leave my shoes everywhere, that's my big mess. I have a million shoes and I leave them everywhere. I don't pick up after my dog when she leaves her toys everywhere. My dirty dishes pile up where I leave them. The list goes on.

3. You don't take care of your own room

This is one of the biggest tells in depression. I'm not usually very messy. I'm messy but I always clean up after myself. Now, it takes me weeks to even attempt to straighten up my room. It also ends up getting dirtier within a few hours because I'm careless with my things.

4. You don't take care of yourself and it shows

Making myself look decent has never been one of my favorite things but wearing the same clothing day after day can become a little strange and questionable. Just as well as not brushing my hair or styling it (which I love to do).

5. You avoid any sort of 'hang out' with them.

I've avoided and decline any kind of hang out with them or go to a function with them there. I don't like the social interaction and I know that I'm not feeling up to it, so I just avoid it altogether.

There are so many other things that depression affects when it comes to being a roommate. However, some of those things are too personal. If you have a roommate that is going through some similar symptoms, be careful. Addressing it is hard, talking to them about it is hard, and if not brought up carefully, it can lead the roommate into a further depression. I'm grateful that it was brought to my attention, but I also know that I didn't want to leave my room for weeks. I hated myself even more and the thought that other people noticed the bad habits I had taken up, I thought they hated me too.

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