Dear Birth Parents,
You don’t know me. It’s been 20 years, 21 on April 18th, since you saw me in Phoenix, Arizona. I want to tell you I’m not angry at you. Once upon a time I was confused, but that was at the age everything was confusing. Once upon a time in Kindergarten I got teased, “Your parents don’t love you.” It stung, but I knew it wasn’t true. The sickening part of that statement was that every so often it came up as I aged to sting me once more. But it wasn’t true.
I understand why. Well, at least I think I do. It’s kind of like that scene in “Once Upon a Time,” “We wanted to give you your best chance.” I know it took courage to give me up. Why do I know this? Because my mother told me about your conversations.
Before I continue I should explain something that many don’t understand. The phase “Real Parents”... don’t use it. It’s rude to my adoptive parents. In all honesty, they are my “real parents.” The people who gave birth to me are known as “Birth Parents.” I call my adoptive parents “Mom” and “Dad” and my birth parents “Birth Mom” and “Birth Dad.” Or I use their names, but many people don’t know this information about their birth parents. So now that I’ve established the proper terminology I’ll continue my letter.
I want to thank you for having the courage to let me go. I know the whole time you must have been afraid, and it was probably even scarier when I came before you thought I would be due. So, thank you for having the courage to carry me full term.
People say I look like you two. My nose is like dad’s and certain facial structures are yours, mom. I’m not that great at rock climbing like my dad put on his hobbies list, but I am a horseback rider like my birth mom. I hope that makes you proud. I found out about your horseback riding hobby after I was two years in. I guess it was in my blood that I would be drawn to horses. So even though you didn’t raise me, there are still traits of both of you in me. It’s pretty clear to see you were both adventurous and caring, two traits I hopefully exemplify.
But I also need to apologize. Part of my life I was scared of becoming like you. There was an article I read about how certain traits are passed on to children even if they are not raised by their biological parents. So I was a bit afraid I would follow in your footsteps, develop traits or habits I didn’t want. But now I realize how ridiculous that was. Honestly if I develop your courage I would be honored.
People think adoption is a get out of free card for parents. It’s not. It may be the hardest thing to do. I know you two held me or at least saw me. Then you probably realized that would be the only time you saw me. You wouldn’t hear my first words or watch me learn to walk. You wouldn’t help me pick out a prom dress or hold me when I cried. You wouldn’t know me. That’s not easy. And I know it wasn’t easy for you because my parents paid for counseling for after the adoption. They wanted to make sure you were OK. When I realized that, I realized the struggle you must have felt.
But I do wonder if you ever think about me? Do you remember my birthday and think about me? You said I could meet you when I turned 18... did you count down the years till then? Were you disappointed when you didn’t hear from a lawyer? Did you ever try to find me on social media? I know I’ve looked for you. Have you ever wondered what I was like or who I grew up to be? Do you want me to find you?
I know this will probably never reach you, but I think I just needed to write it down just once. Just a thank you, an apology, and the questions that used to keep me up at night.
But if you are reading this, if you want, I’m more than happy to actually meet you. And I know I don’t actually know you, but I love you. I love you for giving me a chance, for giving my parents a chance to be parents. I want you to know that I’ve had a good life and you gave me that opportunity, I know it wasn’t easy but thank you.
Love Lots,
The Daughter You Gave The Best Chance Possible
* Side note: I was born April 18, 1995, late at night around 11 or so... I could be very wrong about the time, but it was in Phoenix Arizona. My mother (adoptive) was in very close contact with my birth mother and my birth grandmother (my birth father's side). This is part of the reason I know so much about my birth parents. A lot of adopted children don’t have as much information as I do. So I also want to thank my birth mother and birth grandmother for working so close with my mom to give me as much information about my family history as they did. They included medical records and everything. I’m not allergic to penicillin or bee stings, thank God. But it was good to know when I got stung and I had surgery on my appendix that these could be risks. So thank you so much for honestly giving me the best shot I could have at a good life. You guys picked some pretty awesome people to adopt me (apologies to the other potential couple, I’m sure you’re great, too!). On that note, actually, a little more education on adoption. No, not every child is put in an orphanage. No, not every adoption is public. Mine was actually a private adoption; my birth parents and in my case birth grandmother chose my adoptive parents. I think they picked well. Shoutout to my parents Linda and Chris (aka Mom and Dad). It's not wrong to ask questions, but remember to be courteous when asking.
