Dear all-too-relatable person who just cannot yet say goodbye to your unstable relationship;

I know you. I have been you. I have seen too many of my friends do exactly what you are doing. You are dragging on a relationship that has stopped working. Whether it be over one major problem, an overwhelming abundance of minor disputes, or both, the patterns are often the same. There have been breaks “for real this time,” breakups that only lasted a short few days, repetitive arguments that never really got resolved, and never-ending excuses. You are not the first person (and definitely won’t be the last) to get stuck in these patterns. You aren’t blind to the issues either. They are screaming in your face. Actually, it is your best friends in your face, trying to convince you to move on without offending you and awakening the defensive monster inside. You are not to blame, but you do need to start thinking about what your relationship's reality is.

This is so much easier said than done. The relationship started out healthy. The love that drives it is real. How can you not be meant to be together when you love each other so much? Why would you stop being with someone who you love and who loves you as well?

I do not wish to pretend that I have all of the answers, nor do I intend to make this seem like a simple, easily resolved problem. Matters of the heart never are easily resolved problems. These are my personal opinions and reflections based on my own experiences as well as what I have observed. I also encourage anyone who finds themselves in an unhealthy relationship, or having any other emotional turmoil, to seek help. Indiana University provides multiple counseling services including CAPS, the Center for Human Growth Counseling Services and Crimson Corps.

If there is one thing I have learned from my rough, at best, dating experiences, it is this: just because you love someone, that does not mean you should be with them. Unfortunately, love is a human emotion that does not always correlate with logic, follow desirable timing, or only exist between people who are fit for one another. Loving someone does not automatically stop when the healthiness of the relationship ends. As a result, romantic love plays a complicated role in our lives. A serious relationship requires love in order to be worthwhile, and yet, love alone does not justify a relationship's continuation. There is so much more to the equation.

There is definitely something admirable about going to all lengths to be with the one you love and not giving up easily, but to what cost? All too often, love becomes a justification for sacrificing pieces of yourself and of your desires, or it drives a person away from friends and family. That is not the kind of love worth fighting for, especially at a young age, when there is so much opportunity, adventure, and growth just waiting for you. I beg you not to miss out on being the fullest version of yourself for the sake of love.

Two types of romantic love exist; healthy and toxic. Unfortunately, these are equally real, and often the more passionate is the latter. That is why one of the hardest things you can do is accept any validity in an outsider's perspective on your relationship. No one else knows how you are feeling, how encompassing your love is. Yet, making no effort to consider an objective perspective could be dangerous to your well-being.

If you are committing yourself to straining over the continuation of a serious relationship through the defining years of your life, please consider a few other aspects of the relationship. Do they respect you, your values, your goals, your passions, your priorities, your closest friends, and your family? Do they inspire and encourage growth, positive change, and development? Do you feel safe to communicate and discuss frustrations about the relationship with them?

I think that if you cannot answer yes to these questions, or do not believe that they could answer yes to these questions about you, then the matter of loving each is no longer sufficient in justifying the continuation of the relationship.

I encourage you to consider the hurt that your ruinous patterns are causing in yourself, the person you love, and everyone around; helplessly watching your pain continue. Sometimes the damage in a relationship cannot be undone. Sometimes, loving another person requires ending the relationship, because you want nothing but the best for them, even if that is no longer you. Often, you can forgive, but you cannot forget, all the pain that has dominated your time together. Never is love, with no other factors considered, reason enough to validate a relationship.

Please know that you can and will be okay without the person you love in your life. A prevalent belief is that the loneliness and pain of officially ending your relationship, especially one that has become such an important part of your life, will be worse than the pain you are enduring now. I will not try to argue that it won't be hard, exhausting and nearly excruciating to let go and move on, but you will be giving yourself a chance for happiness in the long term and a chance to experience healthy relationships down the road. You can find more joy in your own heart, and rediscover your identity, in a way that was not possible under the limitations of an unstable relationship. You, on your own, are capable of unlimited possibilities.