Dear Tardy Tom,

It pains me greatly to have to pen this letter. I have no intention of making you feel bad about yourself or lowering your self-esteem in any way. However, you have backed me into a corner and I see no way out other than to confront the problem at hand. I would like to begin by saying that you are an amazing person: you're sweet, kind, nice, smart, funny, cute and every other generic word that is used to describe people that have now become totally meaningless. But all of these awesome qualities that you possess are ultimately and unfortunately overshadowed by your extreme tendency for tardiness. As someone who is as punctual as can be but still sets her watch two minutes fast, lateness is one of the cardinal sins in my book.

Confucius says “Don’t judge your fellow until you've walked a mile in their shoes.” Is there a time that we can coordinate me borrowing your shoes? If I had to guess what would happen as an outcome, I would assume that you would, in fact, be gracious enough to set up a time at which I can come borrow your shoes, I would subsequently arrive at the designated place two minutes early, as per my M.O., and then you would arrive a mere twenty minutes later. Ain’t nobody got time for that!

This letter isn't meant to be accusatory or condemning. Also, I want to clarify that I bear absolutely no contempt towards you, just your habits.

See, here’s the thing, I am always on time…except when you're not. Because when you're late, I am inextricably linked to you and to your timing. I understand that you have a real challenge in this particular area of your life and I would like to help. I believe that the only way to do that is through blunt honesty. No need to thank me.

Timing is just simple math so if you can't be on time, then I guess you should go back to third grade. Excuses are just meaningless words. What I’m really hearing when you excuse your tardiness is, “I don't value your time, my time, the general population's time or your feelings. Basically, I don't value you enough as a person to bother being punctual.” Apologizing is good, but showing up on time is better.

I know that you have a busy life and sometimes things just take a wee bit longer than you anticipate. That is definitely something I can commiserate with. However running into people and then catching up on 10 years’ worth of life isn't a valid excuse. Meet up for coffee for gosh sakes! That’s literally the only reason Starbucks exists -- well in addition to keeping college students awake. But really there is a time and place for everything and at the moment that I am waiting for you, the time is five minutes ago and the place is with me. Ms. Darbus from High School Musical really sums it up perfectly, “Timeliness means something in the world Mr. Bolton.” Minus the Mr. Bolton part, I’d really appreciate if you put this quote on a poster on your wall and then took it to heart.

I’ll see you later,

Punctual Pattie