Dear friends and family,

As a current freshman in college, the idea of depression and social anxiety unfortunately isn't new to me. I basically grew up all over the world, and because of that, I was uprooted from home to home, saying goodbye to friend after friend. After so many times of constantly being moved, I just gave up on trying to make new friends. I grew more and more distant and closed off from everyone I knew, including myself. I became emotionally and physically distant.

However, despite my emotional troubles, I still craved a loving human’s touch. I wanted people to talk to me and to want to be with me. But I became extremely afraid to talk to others in utter fear of them not liking me. I didn't want others to like me because I craved attention. It was because I wanted to know what it was really like to have a lifelong friend, someone to talk to about things that I’ve been through and experienced.

Because of all this, I eventually fell prey to depression in my sophomore year of high school. In a time when you’re supposed to mature into a young adult and learn who you are and where you belong in society, I was sitting in the back corner of the classroom with my nose in a book, hoping that the teacher didn’t call on me or that no one looked my way; I was afraid of society, and of myself.

I didn’t feel like a "freak", per se, I just felt like the nobody that no one really wanted to be with. I blamed myself every day for it. You may not have noticed it, but there always seemed to be a dark cloud over my head that I could just never shoo away.

The funny thing is that no one ever bullied me. It was all just my mind telling me things that I didn’t want to hear, and I could never find a way to stop it. I could never even tell anyone. I was too afraid that they wouldn't believe me, or wouldn't take me seriously. I have only ever told my closest friend and my boyfriend about the things that I've gone through. And to my mom, I am sorry for never telling you, but I was afraid. I still am, but I feel know that all I have from you is nothing but love and support.

So, now I am telling everyone.

I don't want to tell everyone because I want you to feel sorry for me, I just want to spread awareness little by little that this is an everyday struggle not just for me, but for millions of adults and even children all across the world. You may not have noticed it then, but you sure do now.

Now that I am in college, I have finally found the strength through all of my family and friends who supported me without even knowing it, and through my own strength to get over my depression that plagued me for over two and a half years. But I am still trying everything that I can to muster up the strength to talk to others confidently, and to get over my anxiety.

I'm slowly getting a little better at it every day.

Nevertheless, from time to time, I can still feel my anxiety just bubbling towards the surface when it comes to social interaction and having to come face to face with the people that I have tried for years to stay far away from. I still feel the tremendous urge to crawl back into my little protective bubble that I've forced myself to grow over the years. To crawl back into the little corner with my book, wanting to burst into tears if someone notices me and asks me what's wrong. I would never be able to tell you.

The dark, depressing cloud is still there every now and then, I just work my hardest to ignore it, to tell it to go away. Sometimes it listens to my pleas, and sometimes it's very persistent.

But what really helps me overcome that, is to fight the battle with my mind. To not just ignore the urges, but to not listen to the little voice in my head constantly telling me, “they won’t like you,” or “you can’t do anything right.”

You have no idea how much it means to me when I hear someone give me a compliment, or when someone wants to have a meaningful conversation with me. It tells me that, yes, they really do like me. They really do want to know who I am. They want to hear my voice. Little things like that are what help me boost my self-esteem a little more each day. It’s what helps me learn how to be a little stronger, and more confident in myself. You guys have no idea how much you have helped me grow these last eighteen years of my life, and it only took me all eighteen years to realize it

Little by little, every day, I have the strength to break my wall down just a little bit more. Little by little every day, I have the strength to smile more. Little by little every day, I have the strength to know that I am worth loving. Both, by all of you who have been there for me, and for myself. Thank you for everything.

Sincerely,

Naomi

“Learning to love myself”