Dear 13 Year old Alyssa,
A few years ago, you wrote me a letter. The one thing that stuck out to me the most, was the fact that you asked me “if I was finally happy.” To answer your question; yes, you are finally happy. You don’t have a lot of friends (and I suppose that will never change) and no you aren’t in a relationship either. However, you’ll learn that other people cannot make you happy. I don’t want to tell you much about what happens next but I will say this, your life is about to change for better and for worse. You will be lower than where you are at the moment you wrote this letter to me but you’re also about to meet some of the best people in this phase of your life. Although I can say that as of now you’re still only friends with one of them, (and it’s not the person you’re expecting), you will learn more than I can even tell you from them and you’ll be forever grateful for that. You’ll still miss them and wish they continued to be just a text away like they promised they’d always be but sadly, that’s not how life works. It’s okay that you’ve moved on and that friendships end. Nothing changes in high school either, in fact things actually get worse for the first two years. Throughout it all though, you learn how strong you are and how much it takes to break you — and it takes a lot to break you.
On the bright side, things start to turn around the year before you move to Florida. After years and years of hearing that you would move one day, the summer before your senior year, you finally do. This is when your happiness comes in. For the first time ever, you’ll enjoy going to school, your grades are something that you’re proud of and you hardly ever miss a day (not to mention, you stop pretending to be sick). There’s a girl in your English class that will ask you to leave campus with her to go to Panera Bread during lunch. Do it, she becomes your best friend and someone that you wish that you could have met earlier. Also, that girl in your Spanish class that looks rude is actually one of the greatest and funniest people that you could ever meet and honestly these two people teach you more things about yourself and life than I could ever tell you. They’re two of the best friends you’ve ever had and you know that you can’t lose them because they get you and how your brain works more than any of the people you’ve ever been friends with. They were there for you when it seemed like the world was crumbling around you and they helped keep you afloat when you felt like you were tossed in open water and you’ll forever do the same for them.
As of right now, I am about a month away from turning 20. I feel like you would be proud of me in ways you can’t even imagine yet. I don’t have the answers for everything, I still can’t talk to people when I like them and maybe that’ll never change. I care less about what people think of me. I finally don’t care about liking politics so much because as you grow up, everyone else does too! I’m not even going to tell you about the election going on right now because you deserve to just let that play out for itself. You have doors and windows opened for you that you never would have dreamed of. Throughout it all, no matter how things are good one day and terrible the next; no matter how often you feel like there’s no way that you could ever be happy — just remember that you will be. You’re allowed to live. You’re allowed to laugh loudly at things no one else likes and make ridiculous jokes. You’re human. Stop trying to hold yourself to this impossible standard. Stop wishing your life away. Everything will come together in time and when it does, you’ll appreciate it so much more than I can write to you; (let’s leave that for 35+ Alyssa).
There have been so many things that you’ll be grateful you were alive to see.
