I am neurotic. I'm a planner. I'm the one with the facts and the figures and the best course of action.
I'm the one that owes my friends apologies for the things I did and didn't say.
I am the Cynic. I am the one planning for heartbreak. I prepare for the worst case scenario. I analyze the past and spend so much time trying to predict the future, I didn't see the smiles on my friends faces from how happy they were in those moments.
I don't think I'm conventional but I've dreamed and planned the university/career life for so long that I wrote off romance and relationships completely and didn't take a moment to be happy for my friends before worrying.
To the friend with the long distance relationship that was worth the wait: I am so excited for you. We all knew you would make it but it was hard to see you miss him so much. We wished you were happier here with us but I understand that the feeling he gives you is more than what we could do and you couldn't wait for the next time you got on a plane. I anticipate every picture you post with him and the smile on your face makes me smile. Your patience amazes me and even though your relationship seemed too hard for me to fathom at the time, I was cheering you on from the sidelines. P.S. You guys have a great dog-baby.
To the best friend that got serious when I wasn't ready: I am so stingy and I was not ready for Prince Charming to whisk you off into the sunset- we were in the middle of beach yoga. He was so great I couldn't believe it. I couldn't trust him to treat you like a queen because he was a boy and we were goddesses that had important coffee dates to attend to. You're the baby of the group and I didn't want you to be a grown a** woman so fast. I know that at the end of every date night with him, the thing you wanted most was to not have to go home. So you didn't. I have to keep telling myself that we are adults now and you did the damn thang. You did what made you happy. That is so cool. I'm sorry for all of the doubts I kept in my head. I'm sorry for the uncertainty I harbored, and the faith I didn't have enough of. P.S. Congratulations on moving in with a person that thinks you're the most beautiful woman in the world (he's right). I love you.
To the friend that is going through a break-up to follow your dreams: I am so proud of you. I am so excited for your travels. You have so much love and adventure in your soul and I can't wait to watch you satisfy it. I truly believe now that love is coming for you whenever you're ready to create it again. Old me would've told you to stay single for a while and enjoy your adventure. Now I just want you to do whatever makes you happiest, each step of the way. Even if it turns out we don't have a lot of time- we have so much space and so many humans (and trees). You are so good at loving. P.S. and protesting.
To the sister that got on a plane and got married and had a baby 4,000 miles away: Life is crazy and it's decisions should be too. You took risks that I was too scared to try to understand and made love happen in the darkest and loneliest of places. Do you know how bright you are? I realize now that you may be a spontaneous person but love will make you do crazy things- it's taken me so long to figure that out. You have created a beautiful family and life of your own and I'm sorry that I didn't understand it. I'm sorry that my cynicism got in the way of me effectively supporting you. I'm sorry I tried so hard to be "correct" that I didn't use the loving words that I should have. Our paths are are so different but they will always come back together. P.S. I love you. I love your babygirl.
To the roommate with the awesome boyfriend: You might have been the poster-child for perfect relationships and even then I couldn't stop myself from wondering how it was going to work- we just seemed so young and you were so serious. I must have been really annoyed about something. Your relationship is fun to watch. I was sad to watch you rush home every Friday but I knew you were right where you belonged. You have taught me so much about how to make it work while following your dreams. I admire you so much and you and your boyfriend make me so happy. P.S. I can't wait for that long engagement to start.
To the best friends that have always been single: I know what it is to be hurt. I know what it is to wait. I know what abstinence feels like, especially after catastrophic relationships. You are all okay. You are doing fine. I know the awkward text messages are embarrassing and I know how your heart felt when you got stood up, or she never replied. A few months ago I would have told you that you were independent and didn't need a partner. That is true, but I do know you need love. And you deserve love. And that love is something you can create inside yourself and with your friends. When a partner does slowly or all at once slide in your DMs or pick you up for tea time, the butterflies will go crazy and it will be better than most things you've experienced but until then, just keeping your heart open and know that you are beautiful and worthy. P.S. I'll take you on a date anytime.
From my bad experiences, the way I've let relationship "norms" influence how I see things, and my own neuroticism and worry about you and possessiveness of our friendships, I've been too cynical about your relationships. We are all strong, loving people. We are all learning. We are all trying our best and you deserve every ounce of happiness your partner can give you. Most importantly we are all adults, which is still weird for me to think about and I'm so happy to start understanding how much power we have in taking charge of our lives now and our futures tomorrow. I'm in awe of your capacity to love and share and I am grateful that you let me be part of the ride for any time at all.
Love on.
