I was 14 years old when I first heard your name. Back then I just knew you as the guy who was best friends with the guy I had a crush on. Now, at 20 years old, you're the guy who changed who I am forever. People reading this who don't know the whole story are probably thinking "awwww he made her a better person, they probably had a great relationship", but if you are the one reading this, you know that our relationship (if that's what you really want to call it) was anything but great. Before I met you I was as innocent as ever. I was 14 years old heading into the 4 years that would shape me as a human being. Little did I know that it would involve such heartache, unfairness, betrayal and abandonment- and it all started with you. 

I let you engulf me. You took up all my time and all of my thoughts. Anytime you were upset, I blamed myself. Anytime you were mad at me, I blamed myself, even though 99% of the time I had done absolutely nothing wrong. Every time you left me and went to someone new, I blamed myself. I thought for some reason that I wasn't good enough for you. My head was so wrapped up in you that I was unable to see that the pain that I felt for those 3 years never should have happened. I was blinded by your words and seemingly caring actions. Everyone around me tried to tell me it was time to walk away, that I didn't deserve everything you put me through, even your best friend tried to talk some sense into you. Someone who lived 9 hours away knew you weren't good for me- but I ignored them- I ignored everyone. I made excuses for you. It was nice to have someone who appeared to genuinely care about my happiness while everything else around me seemed to be crashing down.   

While yes, I do truly believe you did and still do care about me, let me tell you why those 3 years play over and over in my head still like a nightmare that never ends. You cheated on me. You were my first and you cheated on me. That kind of thing sticks with you for a while. Then, not even two days after I broke up with you, you found someone else. Now lets get this straight, that wasn't really the part that bothered me. The part that bothered me was that you let her treat me like trash and then tried to come back to me. You let her spam my phone with over 100 messages at 1 o'clock in the morning mocking me about everything I had said to you. 100 messages. They were never ending, I had to turn my phone off. You let her be petty enough to attempt to send me a picture of you kissing, for no reason other than an attempt to hurt me. Lucky for me, the picture never went through. You, on the other hand, didn't believe that it didn't go through and insisted that I had gotten it. So what if I had? What exactly you were trying to accomplish, I had no idea. I lost all of my friends that quarter but gained a couple of voicemails on my phone calling me things I'd rather not repeat I guess she was better than me, or maybe I just needed better friends. Lucky for me, I got some pretty great ones because of that. Moving on to a more.... touchy subject. Now I don't know what you were taught growing up, but when a girl who has never gone down on a guy before finds out she doesn't really like it and isn't confident about it but does it still because she knows you like it, you should not- you should NEVER- hold her head down making it impossible for her to stop unless you have talked about what is okay before hand. Because of you, I still sometimes have anxiety attacks from your careless actions. The last thing to me is the most disturbing, I wonder if you even remember it. I was taking a nap on your bed, peaceful and dreaming, and then I felt it. Girls, let me tell you something, it is NEVER okay for a guy to do anything to you while you are asleep and unable to give consent, whether you're in a serious relationship or not. I wish someone would have been there to tell me that when I was 15. 

Throughout those 3 years we were ~sort of~ together, I had been crushed, ashamed, broken, left behind, made fun of and called things I never thought I would be called for things I didn't even really do, but I learned so much about myself. I learned how to stand up for myself. I learned that I deserve so much more than a guy who gets power from seeing me crumble. I learned that it's okay to leave the friends you had and start over if it means you're surrounded by people willing to help you grow. I learned that there are more important things in high school than being in a relationship, especially if it's a poor and abusive one. As much as I hate you for everything that you did to me and put me through, I can't help but want to thank you for pushing me towards the things and the people that truly wanted the best for me and who still stand by me to this day. If it weren't for you, I wouldn't be where I am today, or who I am today, and I am proud of the person I have become. So thank you for showing me that there are terrible people in this world, and thank you for pushing me in the direction of better things.