Hello past me,
I'm writing to you from college; 20 years old. Can you believe it? The destination is kind of what you expected -- in college, trying to be a veterinarian, still close with your family, a good group of friends. While the destination is expected right now, you're journey is going to be a little rockier than you think.
Your anxiety is going to increase. You're going to have spouts of social anxiety, panic attacks, and OCD. Quite often, you're going to feel that the world is better off without you. You're going to picture a life without you; the lives of your family and your friends. Would they be better off?
It's going to get really difficult during high school. I know you want to be in the top of the class and to get into a perfect school. So, you're going to strive for utter perfectionism. You're going to take all of the APs, play volleyball year round, join oodles of clubs, and still try to socialize with your friends. In that aspect, your perfectionism pays off. You graduate 16/563, you are a starter on your volleyball teams, you have a close group of friends, and you get many college acceptances, including a full ride to the University of Alabama.
Your perfectionism is going to control you in ways you'll never expect. During the summer of your senior year, you're going to drop a few pounds. Then a few more. And some more after that. The weight loss becomes an addiction. You're going to restrict your calories and over exercise yourself. Your hair is going to start falling out, your heart rate is going to slow down, and you're going to have zero energy. You're going to lie to your family and say it's not on purpose, but it is. Every time the scale drops, you're going to think you're getting more beautiful. Well I want to tell you this -- do whatever you can to not listen to the demon in your head. Because once it's in there, it'll never leave. It's a battle you're going to face each and every day.
You're going to experience loss, both physically and mentally. They'll be hard, but they will make you stronger. Poppop and Grandma are going to pass away within two months of each other and it's going to be the hardest time of your whole life. Never forget that they're still watching over you and they're only a prayer away. You are going to grow apart from some friends over the years; some because of the physical distance and some because the effort isn't being contributed both ways. Well, you're going to make some best friends in college who you'll stay friends with forever.
As a little girl, you may not be thinking about boys, but they will enter your life. You'll go on a few dates that will turn into nothing; don't blame that on yourself. Some people just won't accept the quirky gal you are. You're going to date a few boys and fall in love. You're also going to experience heartbreak, the kind that makes you think you're going to die. Just remember -- that feeling doesn't last forever. One day, a boy will come along and he's going to change your life. You're going to click and fall in love like you never have before and it's going to be magical. Wait for it.
Before I end this letter, I just want to leave you with some parting advice. First off, stay true to yourself; don't change your quirky ways for anybody. If people don't like you for who you are, that is their loss. Second, please know that it is okay to not be perfect and please learn how to cope with failure. Third, whatever you do, don't give into the demons. But, if you do, I know you'll find your way out. Fourth, stay close with your family through thick and thin; they're going to be your closest support and best friends. Lastly, never think that the world would be better off without you. You're a beautiful, kind-hearted girl. You're going to do great things, trust me.
XOXO,
Your future self
p.s. Make sure to make yourself happy.
