Yes, I Fear I'll Always Be Alone, But I Will Not Be Cuffed This Season Or Any Season

Yes, I Fear I'll Always Be Alone, But I Will Not Be Cuffed This Season Or Any Season

While love seems like the dream, I will not fabricate it out of the next man that walks into my life for the sake of solving my ever puzzling loneliness.


I have been single for longer than I have ever been with someone. It is easy to say I have known loneliness probably more of it that most of my friends. With that said most of my friends are the kind of people who are never alone romantically speaking. Most of them don't understand what it is like to stand on your own and not reach for a hand to hold or to feel like the last cracked pringle at the bottom of the aluminum cylinder. I mean it's not like I always feel like a sad lonely chip that you'll never finish eating. I mean I understand what I am missing, yes, that does create a lonely ebb every now and then but I think that maybe my friends that are always in a new relationship are far more lonely than me.

I am not saying that I don't long for love. I do. I want to love and be loved so badly that I have found it in the wrong faces and have made believe for too long in those relationships that I was not happy throughout most of them. They had to end. When they ended the lonely was as deep as a Grand Canyon shaped hole in the center of my heart. It hurt. I think that everyone feels that at some point some people just don't know how to fill the hole with self-love. So they "cuff" and not just in cuffing season. People do it all the time and never really find their own sense of self. I am not saying this as the angry single girl.

I am saying this as the lonely single girl who wants love however...knows she cannot keep forcing it into her heart. You can't force-feed something like love. If you could everyone would be happy and nothing would ever hurt. It's not like when you were little and played dolls that fell in love with whichever version of Ken was finer at the time. Life is not like dolls in which you can conjure up happiness and have dreams fulfilled in a two-hour sitting or less. Neither is loving someone else or your self. It doesn't take a month or two to learn how to love yourself or figure out who you are and what your goals are. It takes time and I have found that unless you know who that person is as a singular entity you can't really learn how to grow with someone else.

I love my friends. I find them adventurous, hilarious, and well my closest friends. Some of them just have this tendency to need someone. Once they have that someone they fall hard and fast and it ends pretty soon after that and it all repeats as the next one comes around. A few of them find ways to prolong the inevitable by agreeing and agreeing in order to make someone happy. However, along the way, they wind up making themselves sink into a different kind of Grand Canyon-sized hole. I wish for them to find self-fulfillment unfeathered by their someones. I know I cannot change them any more than I can change myself. You see we all have deep fears. I fear that I will never find a soulmate and live with that just uncuffed.

While they must fear the very same thing and give into that fear. I am not heroic by any sense or higher than thou because I do not allow myself to sink into whatever hand fits best or wants mine at the moment. I am waiting for that right someone, I am waiting for that Godly man, I am waiting for that someone whose crazy matches mine, I am waiting. I am waiting openly for that person. However much that may scare me I will live my life while I wait. I'll go to the movies alone, go to the grocery store and work, I'll be myself and discover just who that person is and I think I will be better for that. So while I have feared this year I will not just partner up for the sake of partnering up.

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It's Time For Romance Movies To Start Portraying Love And Relationships More Accurately

It's 2019, get with the times.


Currently, on TV and in the movies, many romance movies have the same storyline. If it's on Hallmark, two people fall in love and complete some kind of mission. If it's in the movies two people date/fall in love, something causes them to break up, then they get back together and everyone lives happily ever after.

The problem is that all of these plots are seriously unrealistic.

All of these movies and TV shows just inaccurately portray how a relationship works in real life. A real relationship takes a lot of work, time, and effort. Not everything is candy canes, unicorns, and comes so easily. There are so many other factors that people have to think about.

I really got into watching these romantic type movies when I started watching PG-13 movies. I would watch them and picture all my relationships going this way. But these movies painted the wrong picture of relationships. I'm not saying my boyfriend is a bad boyfriend at all, he is wonderful! But we both have learned it takes a lot of work, time, effort, and communication. These are things very few romance movies teach us.

Also, everyone expects things from their significant others from what they see in these movies. I was one of those people, but then real life hit. There are bills, jobs, and time management that you have to consider. This doesn't mean that my boyfriend and I don't go out, but we have to choose wisely for what we do and when we do it! We have also found fun things to do at home in place of going out in order to save money.

I understand that many people like to watch these programs and enjoy them. But there needs to be a change to accurately portray a relationship. Personally, I think this is why many young people's relationships don't last - they have watched this easy relationship develop and stay in a movie and they haven't seen what it is like in real life.

So, to those who produce these types of movies and shows, it's time that you start making things more realistic.

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To The Friend Starting The Next Chapter Of Her Life With The National Guard

I wish you the very best at all times, and I'm always here when you need me.


You were so nervous. You knew it wasn't going to be easy. It was even going to be your first time on a plane, along with your first time really being on your own. You may not have been 100% sure of what you were about to do, but I knew you were ready. I watched you grow throughout high school, especially our senior year, and I want you to know just how proud I am of you for making this life-changing career choice.

Joining the military isn't an easy choice, and boy, did you put a lot of time into your decision. I remember when you first mentioned the idea to me. I was surprised of course, but I never once doubted your capability. For a while, you continued to toss the idea around with your others, and eventually, you made your decision.

These next few months may seem like forever right now, but once you get into it, they're going to fly by. I can't wait for it to be May so I can hear about all of your adventures on one of our famous late night drives or Steak 'n Shake runs that usually end with us sitting in my driveway for hours talking, laughing and sometimes even crying. Summers were always the best with you, from trips to Cedar Point where I worked, Kalahari where you working, or the mall, of course. This summer, however, will be different. You and I will both have just gone through huge events, mine being my first year of college, and yours being boot camp. Even though we don't see each other as often as we used to, we're still close, and I admire that about us. No matter how many miles there are between us, I promise to always be here for you, at the highest of highs and the lowest of lows, and everything in between.

So, through these next few months, just keep in mind that I'm right there next to you, and I will always be a text, Snap, call, letter or email away. It may seem tough, maybe even impossible at times, but you're tougher. You always have been. You have me and a whole party bus full of friends and family backing you up, and we all believe in you. Now, go show the National Guard what you're made of!

XOXO, your "twin," Ash

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