I have been single for longer than I have ever been with someone. It is easy to say I have known loneliness probably more of it that most of my friends. With that said most of my friends are the kind of people who are never alone romantically speaking. Most of them don't understand what it is like to stand on your own and not reach for a hand to hold or to feel like the last cracked pringle at the bottom of the aluminum cylinder. I mean it's not like I always feel like a sad lonely chip that you'll never finish eating. I mean I understand what I am missing, yes, that does create a lonely ebb every now and then but I think that maybe my friends that are always in a new relationship are far more lonely than me.
I am not saying that I don't long for love. I do. I want to love and be loved so badly that I have found it in the wrong faces and have made believe for too long in those relationships that I was not happy throughout most of them. They had to end. When they ended the lonely was as deep as a Grand Canyon shaped hole in the center of my heart. It hurt. I think that everyone feels that at some point some people just don't know how to fill the hole with self-love. So they "cuff" and not just in cuffing season. People do it all the time and never really find their own sense of self. I am not saying this as the angry single girl.
I am saying this as the lonely single girl who wants love however...knows she cannot keep forcing it into her heart. You can't force-feed something like love. If you could everyone would be happy and nothing would ever hurt. It's not like when you were little and played dolls that fell in love with whichever version of Ken was finer at the time. Life is not like dolls in which you can conjure up happiness and have dreams fulfilled in a two-hour sitting or less. Neither is loving someone else or your self. It doesn't take a month or two to learn how to love yourself or figure out who you are and what your goals are. It takes time and I have found that unless you know who that person is as a singular entity you can't really learn how to grow with someone else.
I love my friends. I find them adventurous, hilarious, and well my closest friends. Some of them just have this tendency to need someone. Once they have that someone they fall hard and fast and it ends pretty soon after that and it all repeats as the next one comes around. A few of them find ways to prolong the inevitable by agreeing and agreeing in order to make someone happy. However, along the way, they wind up making themselves sink into a different kind of Grand Canyon-sized hole. I wish for them to find self-fulfillment unfeathered by their someones. I know I cannot change them any more than I can change myself. You see we all have deep fears. I fear that I will never find a soulmate and live with that just uncuffed.
While they must fear the very same thing and give into that fear. I am not heroic by any sense or higher than thou because I do not allow myself to sink into whatever hand fits best or wants mine at the moment. I am waiting for that right someone, I am waiting for that Godly man, I am waiting for that someone whose crazy matches mine, I am waiting. I am waiting openly for that person. However much that may scare me I will live my life while I wait. I'll go to the movies alone, go to the grocery store and work, I'll be myself and discover just who that person is and I think I will be better for that. So while I have feared this year I will not just partner up for the sake of partnering up.