I'm sure many of you readers have seen the movie "Neighbors." You know, the movie about a married couple (Seth Rogen and Rose Byrne) who find themselves living next door to a frat house run by the gorgeous Zac Efron and Dave Franco. While this movie is entertaining and leaves people in stitches with the outrageous stunts pulled between these bickering neighbors, bad neighbors in real life aren't so great (and let's be honest, they're never as funny as Seth Rogen or Rose Byrne, or as dreamy as Zac Efron or Dave Franco).
College is usually the first time people encounter crazy, wild or just plain bad neighbors, in student apartment complexes. And it sucks. It really sucks. Whether your neighbors are loud, smelly or party animals, here are a few solutions to combat these little (or big) annoyances:
1. The passive aggressive note
Oh, the passive aggressive note. It's witty, it's sarcastic and it's just the right amount of indirect confrontation so that you won't have to worry about actually confronting your neighbor face-to-face. Memes are a great way to express ill feelings towards your neighbors, and it takes off the pressure of someone having to be creative and original; plus, they're very funny.
If the passive aggressive note is your chosen method of confrontation, just make sure you leave it anonymously somewhere your neighbor will be sure to see it. Note: if you choose to claim your passive aggressiveness, at most leave your apartment number. Do not leave your name, phone number, email address, license plate number or social security number. That defeats the premise of a passive aggressive note.
2. Aggressive note
The aggressive note is like a passive aggressive note, but it's less witty and pumped full of rage like a body builder on steroids. Aggressive notes usually have less thought behind them and instead, more anger. If the aggressive note is your spirit animal, then by all means, stake claim to it.
Sign your name at the bottom of that rage-fueled piece of paper with pride. This will show your neighbors that you mean business and that you obviously don't care if they know who's complaining about them. It makes you seem on-edge, and no one wants to mess with a person who's on-edge (they're crazy).
3. Noise complaints
Like Brian Johnson from "The Breakfast Club," people who use formal noise complaints against their noisy neighbors are typically rule followers. While a noise complaint from the apartment complex may make your neighbors comply for a short period of time, it'll also make them a little ticked off and looking for a way to irritate whatever neighbor complained about them even more. So unless your apartment complex is strict about noise, this option may only provide a short term solution.
4. The law
*Cue "Cops" theme song* This option is probably the worst way possible to handle noisy neighbors. In reality, noisy neighbors are just noisy to the point of mental breakdown. The police have better things to do than to chide noisy children by telling them to "keep it down." And having the police called on you is both terrifying and extremely irritating. We're in college: either handle it immaturely through notes or maturely by talking it out, but do not go outside of the apartment complex if you need a third party.
5. Talk it out "man-to-man"
We're in college now. It's time to be semi-adults. If you feel up to the challenge of being a grown-up, put on your big boy pants or big girl panties, march over to your neighbors, knock on the door and say in a firm but polite voice, "We need to talk about (fill in the blank with whatever complaint you have against your neighbor)." For those of you who choose this option, I commend you. You all are going places in life.
6. Fight fire with fire
Oh, you're going to throw a party on a Sunday night and have fifty people stand outside my window and talk as loud as they can? OK, don't mind me as a lug out this giant stereo out onto my porch and blast "Bohemian Rhapsody." When it comes to fighting fire with fire, or in this case noise with noise, blasting your own music to drown out the noise above, below or across from you is a great idea.
Note: If you want to absolutely kill the party, I suggest blasting some classical Mozart or Simon and Garfunkel's "Sound of Silence." Nothing kills a party faster than music with no lyrics or music with lyrics like, "Hello darkness my old friend."
7. Water guns
Nothing shuts down a party faster than being sprayed with water when it's below freezing outside. This option also works great in the summer, just fill the water gun with ice water instead of tepid water. This option is great for the people who jut don't care anymore. Maybe you've given your neighbor plenty of warnings or maybe you've expressed your concerns and desire of going to sleep at a decent hour on a school night. The water gun is aggressive, creative and a great way to ensure a broken relationship with your noisy neighbors.
8. Write an article about your noisy neighbors on a national online magazine
So at 1:07 on a Sunday night –– well Monday morning –– my downstairs neighbors' party is still going strong. My roommates and I texted each other back and forth, complaining about how annoying and loud our neighbors are. It's 1:10, well now 1:15 in the morning for Pete's sake. Well by this point in time, I was already in my PJs and frankly was too lazy to go downstairs to ask them to keep it down and too unoriginal to come up with a witty and snarky passive aggressive note.
But then it hit me: Why not write an article giving other coeds, who may find themselves in my shoes, advice on dealing with noisy neighbors? It's witty, sassy, passive aggressive, with just a hint of evil genius. If you express yourself best through writing, try publishing a public article basically complaining about your neighbors to your readers without telling your neighbors that they're crappy etiquette and obnoxious noise inspired your snarky article. Maybe it'll help your readers and give you a purpose for being kept up past your desired bed time.