We've all seen the movies. We grew up with stories of romance; of a princess saved by her prince, of the hard girl turned soft by love, of the charismatic and sensitive boy showing a girl that her trauma can be overcome by his love. We've been conditioned by our culture to expect validation from our romantic relationships.
I've begun to reach the age where declarations of love are no longer deemed petulant by society, but rather a determination towards your future. Couples are no longer thinking of matching prom outfits, but of marriage possibilities and whether or not their futures coincide. And though it may seem like a hard and sudden transition, it was one that I felt as though I had been thoroughly prepared for.
What society doesn't prepare us for is that life doesn't always work out that way.
Many can relate to that feeling of suppressed desperation when looking for a significant other; a fact that I wasn't aware of when I was experiencing it myself. So often, we hear the relatively frantic proclamation of, "I'm never going to find love!" It's a phrase so common to us, we barely think anything of it. But this anxiety induced by the idea that we should easily find love is something that we shouldn't just overlook.
Us lonely singles get fed a variety of cliches from those in relationships that are supposed to make us feel better. We get told that love will come to us when it is ready for us. We get told that we should just love ourselves to make up for it. We get told that there are plenty of fish in the sea.
The thing is, I, as I'm sure many others are, am a realist. I don't believe in fate, I believe in working for things. I believe in self-love, but I know that sometimes, loving yourself doesn't make up for the lack of validation you feel from loneliness. I've heard enough words from inspirational women to know that you can be successful without being in a relationship.
But sometimes, it feels contradictory. We may not need to be in a relationship, but through mass media's depiction of romance and societal pressures, we feel as though without the confirmation from romance that we are able to be loved, we are less adequate. According to a study conducted at University of Missouri-Columbia (2009), women being reminded and discussing their single status with people of whom are on a different life path drums up the pressure to find love, commonly leading to settling or making compromises.
So how do we get ourselves out of this seemingly never-ending pattern of feeling less and less of ourselves when our romantic relationships don't work out?
It was a question that I have undoubtedly struggled with, and often still do. I'm not sure if I will ever completely abandon the insecurities that go along with being alone. There are still many things I don't know about myself that contribute to this practically mythical self-actualization.
But there are a few things I do know: my mom will always be there for me when I'm crying. My sister will always be there to watch my favorite TV show with when I'm feeling particularly lonely. My friends will always encourage my independence and make me laugh when they know I'm hurting.
Often times, the love we have is overlooked.
Seek validation elsewhere. Remind yourself that you can be loved, mainly because you already are. It is perfectly fine to be without a romantic relationship, because chances are, you have an adequate love without even realizing it.
