"Nice guys finish last" many people claim, especially said by those guys who are the untouched alternatives to the "bad boys" their female crushes choose. Is it true? If so, why?
According to Psychology Today, referring to the 1999 Herold & Milhausen study, nice is "generally defined as a constellation of traits that prioritize kindness, conscientiousness, warmth, and respect—but when it comes to romantic interest, nice can be a shorthand antonym for bold, strong, or sexy, instead meaning 'needy, weak, predictable, boring, inexperienced, and unattractive.'"
Read the Psychology Today article here.
Many studies conclude that women prefer jerks for short-term relations and the nice guys for long-term ones. The reason is the jerks are more able and willing to fulfill their desires, crossing off some items on their bucket list; while the nice guys are usually more safe for the long haul.
There is the reputation the male sex of the human race has: they only have one thing in mind. Some girls apply this generalization to all guys, thus believing the jerks are at least honest about sleeping with them. Some girls genuinely want that, as well.
Some girls have gotten burned even by nice guys. Not all "nice guys" are simply nice guys. Some are the kind who are so insecure about themselves they lie about their intentions. By being a "friend" to their crush they hope to eventually blossom into a relationship - in the meantime, much to their dismay they watch their crush choose jerks.
These kinds of nice guys hate being friend zoned - the state of being trapped as a friend when you want something more. They hate it enough that eventually they hold all the favors and emotional support they gave the girl over her head. This emotional abuse is just as bad as the physical abuse the nice guy warns his crush the jerks will put her through.
In a world of open jerks and closeted jerks, the former is seen as the lesser evil.
But these experiences are largely in those who are looking for short-term relations. How about those looking for long-term ones?
While the nice guy seems like the logical choice, that is only when they actually can be reliable and responsible. Will the nice guy be able to protect the girl from an attacker or from financial ruin? Possibly. But this point is moot in an era of gun rights culture, other security devices like tasers and pepper spray, of women's rights in the workplace, and of the "strong, independent" woman.
In truth, studies on the subject focus on traditional views of sex and gender, and not on the subjective theory of value. Some women want dominant guys, some want submissive ones. Traditionally the jerks have been dominant, while nice guys have been submissive.
In a post-Fifty Shades of Grey world, women are discovering where personality traits function in relationships. Opposites attract in this area, dominance and submission. Two dominant personalities rarely work together, the same is true for two submissive ones. Dominant nice guys usually do not suffer the fate of submissive nice guys.
Whether a nice guy or a jerk, by being assertive, independent, and secure in himself, a guy can win over submissive girls; by being shy, dependent, and secure in himself, a guy can be won over by dominant girls. But unless and until guys learn to be themselves they will never make a girl happy.
Some people choose partners who will be with them through thick and thin, regardless of traditional labels and norms. This requires time and tribulation to build trust, respect, and communication, as opposed to rushing in.
Remember, confidence is sexy. Women choose jerks because they come off as confident. It rarely lasts because it quickly becomes obvious they are as insecure as the typical nice guy.
The nice guy syndrome is just as bad as, if not worse than, the average jerk. Both, in truth, are jerks who will end up being a waste of time for the girl. At least with the jerks, they feel, girls will have some fun along the way. Even though the girls are somewhat dishonest about this, it is not justification for guys to either pretend to be a nice guy nor make them feel they are entitled.
Nice guys finish last for one simple reason: they are not running the race. There are plenty of fish in the sea, and nice guys are acting like the spoiled kids of fisherman who cry when they cannot catch a fish. Be comfortable in the water if you are trying to catch a fish - being insecure, either as a nice guy or as a jerk, you will feel out of your element no matter what.
