When I was a little girl, I used to watch princess movies and think about the day my knight in shining armor would come up and sweep me away, rescuing me from whatever humdrum activities occupied my time (cooking, cleaning, and gardening were among the chores I wanted to leave behind once he showed up). I thought that my life would be complete once he came for me, but I didn’t stop to consider that by saying I needed a man to complete me, I was also saying my life was incomplete until he arrived. As I grew up and realized that my childhood fantasies were ridiculously unrealistic, I began to understand that a strong woman does not need a man to complete her. She is complete all on her own. Once I grasped that, I thought I had figured out the secret to finding and maintaining mature relationships. I was wrong.
When I started dating, I found myself drawn to the gentle, emotional types. There is nothing wrong with men who express their emotions (which I talked about in my previous article), but the boys I dated took things a step further. Most of them were insecure about things that happened in their pasts and they tried to use me to make them feel better about themselves. They wanted me to be their salvation because they did not know how to love themselves on their own; they saw themselves as incomplete without somebody to hold. It took me a while to understand this, but when a man cannot see his own worth and needs a woman to improve his self-esteem and/or make him feel complete, that is a sign of a fundamentally unhealthy relationship. Co-dependence is not sexy.
I didn't like that my boyfriends were so dependent on me for their emotional fulfillment but I liked feeling appreciated and needed. When they held me close and told me they didn't know what they would do without me, I wasn't sure if I should consider that a romantic statement or a declaration that they couldn't handle their emotions on their own. Choosing to believe the best, I took their words at face-value...for a while. Then I realized that the words themselves were not the problem. The problem was their lack of emotional stability. For this reason, when my past boyfriends told me they loved me, I took their words with a grain of salt. I have always believed that if you cannot truly know how to love others until you know how to love yourself.
After a while, I stopped looking for guys who said they needed to be in a relationship to be happy. I stopped looking for guys who made it clear they were actively seeking girls, even if they were nice guys. Eventually, I stopped looking for a relationship altogether. I started just living my life, focusing on my schoolwork and various interests and trusting God to bring me the right guy in His perfect timing. I think He’s done a pretty good job so far.
