Yes, My Secret Is That I Live With Anxiety
Start writing a post
Health and Wellness

Yes, My Secret Is That I Live With Anxiety

I don't let it break me

Yes, My Secret Is That I Live With Anxiety

From pre-k to college, I have dealt with it.

First day of school? Too much change, too fast.

New haircut? Too scared because no one would recognize me.

Picture day? Too much pressure.

And then before I know it, I usually fall down.

Scared of the unknown, terrified of not having control, and obsessive about things not going exactly as planned: anxiety has been my biggest weakness (and strength) for as long as I can remember.

*If I can count to ten before I pass this stoplight I will ace my exam*

*If that runner in the distance doesn't stop moving before my alarm goes off nothing bad will happen to me today*

I would try to predict the outcome of my day by events I had no control over, but when I tried to explain this habit I had formed no one seemed to understand.

It comes in waves.

My senior year was when it reached its peak. I spent all four years of high school overloading my schedule with honors and Advanced Placement courses, community service, varsity track and cross country, a boyfriend, work - you name it I did it and it never felt like it was enough. I was yearning to get into a top tier college and in order to get there I fell to countless anxiety attacks and sleepless nights. Upon graduation all my hard work paid off I was enrolled in my dream university. After a messy break up with a high school fling and cutting off loose ties from hometown drama, I finally felt ready to start college. In my head that meant no more worries, no more stressing. Away from home I would be in control.

I started off my freshman year excited, but nervous. For once, I did not pass out on my first day or go numb when I had to introduce myself in class. I started off strong, I was making friends, going to parties, taking part in stupid decisions that I justified I would learn from them later. But what usually happens, with my anxiety, is that it comes tumbling in all at once.

One thing lead to another and my "dream" school did not end up being the palace I assumed it would be. After spending a year on its prestigious grounds, I left. Anxiety attacks, marginalization on campus, and lack of comfortably made my transition out of the university seem like the right choice, but it was hard saying goodbye to the place I felt I had worked my whole life to gain entry to.

Fast forward two years, new school, seemingly new life: new friends, boy friend, extracurriculars, even a goddamn new major. Junior year and my anxiety is right back to its highest point. Back to having my days dictated by a tightly-bound schedule and needing to plan weeks in advance to spend time with my friends, just as it had felt in high school.

Back to passing out after hours of staring at the same formulas on repeat or vocab words who's prefixes change their whole meaning. Instead of worrying about what college I will receive my undergrad I now find myself glued to my calculator before and after every exam, what score can I get to safeguard my gpa for law school? Will a law school want me? How will I pay?

From an outsider it may seem like I have it all figured out, resume overloaded, my schedule perfectly penciled in: each moment accounted for and past-time carefully jotted down. However, my anxiety demands perfection and perfection demands time - more time than I realistically have to spare. I don't fall down anymore like I used to, I've learned the signs of my attacks, but it has taken so much time to get to that point.

It frustrates me, people who joke about the severity of anxiety without realizing how debilitating it can be. Anyone hurting out there, I feel for you. When you feel your stomach knot while sitting in the center seat on an airplane, excessive worry that your loved one will leave you, or an unexplainable need to straighten out that picture on your desk, again and then one more time.

Try to talk to someone about it, or write/sing about how you feel. You may think your anxiety will destroy you, but you have the power to turn your weakness into your strength.

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

Hurricane Preparedness

In Louisiana and many other states, it is important to have a hurricane plan

Munger Construction

With hurricane season, it's always best to be prepared for it. It means having a plan for your family and home. Everyone in Louisiana should know the basics of preparing for hurricane season.

Keep Reading... Show less

An Atlanta Weekend

A New Yorker's quick weekend in Atlanta.


On a weekend visit to Atlanta, I had to adjust to people being personable and congenial to me. Although I had lived in the South before, I had to get reacquainted with southern hospitality due to visiting from Brooklyn. Atlanta Uber drivers are very down to earth, offer snacks, and provide great genuine conversations. The opposite is the lay of the land from Brooklyn Uber drivers. The southern hospitality is provided not only from the Uber drivers, but restaurant servers, cashiers, or random people giving suggestions. Brooklyn is a dope and unique place to live, but short on the warmth more often than not.

Keep Reading... Show less

20 Traditional Hispanic Recipes To Feast On In Honor Of Hispanic Heritage Month

... in case you needed another excuse to eat empanadas and churros.

20 Traditional Hispanic Recipes To Feast On In Honor Of Hispanic Heritage Month

Like many of my wanderlust-ridden friends and family, I'll travel anywhere for the promise of good food. I once went to Thailand in pursuit of traditional massaman curry and Spain for authentic patatas bravas — neither of which let me down.

What usually ends up being the biggest letdown is coming home to miss the traditional, local cuisine. It may not have quite the same ambiance, but trying to cook authentic dishes at home can increase appreciation for the craft and culture behind them.

Keep Reading... Show less
Google Images

Launched by Iranian journalist Masih Alinejad in 2014, My Stealthy Freedom is a commendable campaign that shows women going against the strict hijab restrictions in Iran. This movement has recently gained a lot of momentum on their Facebook page and is currently even gaining support from tourists in Iran. Ms. Alinejad shares photos of men in hijabs and women inside Iran who have taken part in a moment of 'stealthy freedom' by removing their hijabs to the outside world.

Keep Reading... Show less

Sinning in Las Vegas

Be careful what you do and post


Going to Las Vegas for the weekend is practically a sacramental right of passage in college. It’s so crucial to our early adulthood development that Snapchat even made a filter that says “Vegas for the Weekend.” Damn Snapchat, you really do get it. 

Keep Reading... Show less

Subscribe to Our Newsletter

Facebook Comments